FADE IN:
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL STADIUM - NIGHT
The crowd is at a feverish pitch as two rival high school teams square off at the line of scrimmage. The ball is snapped--a sweep to the right. NUMBER 50, and African-American defensive end zeroes in on the ball carrier. He has him in his sights, ready to make the tackle, then . . .
CRACK! A wide receiver virtually annihilates number 50 on a block, knocking him off his feet and onto his back. The ballcarrier is brought down a few yards downfield by other members of the defense.
The QUARTERBACK signals to his team.
QUARTERBACK
Huddle up! Huddle up!
All of the offensive team members huddle up. The defensive team members also huddle. The offense walks to the line of scrimmage and sets up in formation for another play. The defense does the same. Number 50 is not on the line.
DEFENSIVE COACH
Where the hell is 50?! Where’s the D-end?
NUMBER 8 walks up to the coach and points into the backfield 30 yards behind the line of scrimmage.
NUMBER 8
There he is coach.
Number 50 strolls nonchalantly through the manicured grass near the end zone behind the offense. He looks around, confused, and keeps walking toward the goal line.
DEFENSIVE COACH
Jerrod! 50! What the hell are you doing?!
Number 50 looks at the coach, squints his eyes as if trying to figure out who he is, then shrugs his shoulders and continues walking. The coach runs to the REFEREE.
DEFENSIVE COACH (CONT'D)
Time out! Injury time out!
REFEREE
Where’s the injury?
The coach points to number 50. The referee blows his whistle and runs out onto the field, stopping the play. The teams huddle up again.
DEFENSIVE COACH
Somebody get a trainer out there.
The TRAINER runs out onto the field to where number 50 is walking.
TRAINER
Jerrod! What are you doing?
NUMBER 50
Oh, hey Katie. What’s going on?
TRAINER
What are you doing over here?
NUMBER 50
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
(long pause)
Walking?
TRAINER
Yeah, okay, let’s get off the field. Come on.
NUMBER 50
Oh shit! I’m supposed to be in this play, huh?
Number 50 runs over to the offensive huddle and squeezes his way in.
NUMBER 50 (CONT'D)
It’s okay guys, I’m ready now.
Everyone in the huddle looks at him with puzzled looks.
QUARTERBACK
Wrong huddle, dude.
NUMBER 50
Hey, who’re you guys?
The trainer runs up and grabs him by the back of the jersey, pulling him out of the huddle.
NUMBER 50 (CONT'D)
(to trainer)
Who are those guys? I don’t know them.
TRAINER
That’s the other team, dipshit. Let’s get off the field.
Number 50 heads to the wrong sideline. The trainer grabs him by the back of the jersey again and spins him to the correct sideline.
TRAINER (CONT'D)
This way, genius.
CUT TO:EXT. SIDELINE TRAINING TABLE - NIGHT
Number 50 stands next to the training table. The trainer has a small penlight in her hand as she works.
TRAINER
Okay Jerrod, I need you to answer some questions for me. What day is it?
NUMBER 50
Hmm. Tuesday?
TRAINER
Tuesday. Are you sure?
NUMBER 50
No.
TRAINER
Wanna try again?
NUMBER 50
Hmmmmmmmmmmm.
TRAINER
Look around you. What’s going on tonight?
NUMBER 50
A football game.
TRAINER
And what day do you play games on?
NUMBER 50
Friday! It’s Friday.
TRAINER
Good. Okay, I’m going to need you to remember three words for me. Do you think you can do that?
NUMBER 50
Hell yeah.
TRAINER
Okay, the words are: house, blue, dog. You got that?
NUMBER 50
House, blue, dog. Got it.
TRAINER
Now, I need you to follow this light without moving your head. You got it?
NUMBER 50
Child’s play.
The trainer moves the pen around slowly in an arcing motion. Number 50 follows the pen but moves his whole head instead of his eyes.
TRAINER
Just your eyes Jerrod.
NUMBER 50
Like I said, child’s play.
The trainer repeats the motion, number 50’s whole head moves again.
TRAINER
Just your eyes!
NUMBER 50
I am just using my eyes. Look!
Number 50 bugs his eyes out in an exaggerated fashion. The trainer repeats the motion, 50’s head still moves.
NUMBER 50 (CONT'D)
Just my eyes. Only the eyes. The eyes have it. Snake eyes. Eye of the dragon.
The trainer stops the motion.
NUMBER 50 (CONT'D)
Nailed it! What’s next?
TRAINER
Who is the president of the United States?
NUMBER 50
Obama, son!
TRAINERGood, good. Hey, remember those three words I told you?
NUMBER 50
Of course!
TRAINER
What were they?
NUMBER 50
Tree, sonar, captain. Nailed it again!
TRAINER
Yeah you did. Can I see that?
She takes his helmet out of his hand and hands it to the equipment manager, who walks away with it.
NUMBER 50
What are you doing to my helmet? I need to get back in the game.
TRAINER
Oh, we’re going to put some more air in it. We’ll get it back to you.
NUMBER 50
Okay, okay.
Number 50 stands motionless for a couple of seconds before he starts looking around on the ground in the immediate area. He gets a puzzled look on his face.
NUMBER 50 (CONT'D)
Hey, Katie. Have you seen my helmet?
TRAINER
Yeah, I put it on the bus.
NUMBER 50
The bus?
TRAINER
Yeah.
NUMBER 50
Okay.
Number 50 nods in agreement. After a few seconds he looks around again, then:
NUMBER 50 (CONT'D)
Where’s my helmet? Has anyone seen my helmet?
TRAINER
It’s on the bus.
NUMBER 50
Oh. Okay.
(a beat)
Which bus?
TRAINER
The one with the helmets on it.
NUMBER 50
Oh, okay.
He looks around at the field and the stadium, something clicks in his mind.
NUMBER 50 (CONT'D)
Isn’t this a home game? This looks like a home game.
TRAINER
It is.
NUMBER 50
So why do we need a bus?
TRAINER
To put all the helmets on.
NUMBER 50
Okay. I got it. So I’ll just stand here then.
TRAINER
Good idea. There’s using your noodle.
The trainer turns back to watch the game. Number 50 wanders off the side of the field and into the home stands. He looks under several people’s seats before he sits next to the band to watch the game.
The trainer turns around and sees he is gone. She has a moment of panic before someone points number 50 out in the stands. She runs up to get him.
TRAINER (CONT'D)
What the hell are you doing?
NUMBER 50
Well, I looked for my helmet, then I got tired.
TRAINER
Do you feel like going for a ride at all?
NUMBER 50
Sure, where to?
TRAINER
To get your helmet.
NUMBER 50
Yeah, I’ll go.
TRAINER
Great.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Number 50 is loaded into the back of an ambulance.
NUMBER 50
You sure they’ve got my helmet at the hospital?
TRAINER
Yeah, but you have to pass a special test before they’ll give it to you.
NUMBER 50
What kind of test? I’m not good at tests.
TRAINER
Just a CAT scan. You don’t even have to study for it.
NUMBER 50
I’m gonna nail it then.
TRAINER
You do that. Nail it better than you did all the other tests tonight though, okay.
NUMBER 50
Okay. No problem. Off to get my helmet!
The doors close and the ambulance drives away into the night.
THE END
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Scorpion--A Short Screenplay
FADE IN:
EXT. BACKYARD - NIGHT
KEITH and BRAD, two college students, sit on a bench with their backs to the wall next to the BBQ grill. ROGER, also a college student, sits on a lawn chair facing Keith and Brad. All three of them hold beers and sip them.
KEITH
Man, did you see that game last night?
BRAD
Oh yeah. Great fourth quarter. That was such a good ending.
KEITH
Yeah, when he rolled out on fourth and seventeen from his own 8 yard line . . . man, what a pass.
BRAD
Best pass I’ve ever seen him make. Threaded the needle, double coverage--
Brad and Keith both look in puzzlement at Roger, who stares at the wall behind them with a look of sheer terror on his face.
BRAD (CONT'D)
Roger, are you okay?
Roger maintains the look of terror on his face.
ROGER
I’m fine. Why do you ask?
BRAD
Well, the look on your face.
ROGER
What look on my face?
KEITH
The look on your face right now.
Roger’s look of terror disappears.
ROGER
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
KEITH
It’s gone now. You look normal now.
ROGER
Um, guys, I think I always look normal. Obviously. I only have one face.
KEITH
Dude, you had a stupid look on your face.
ROGER
Are you saying I look stupid?
KEITH
Not now.
BRAD
But you did.
Roger shrugs his shoulders and leans back in his chair.
ROGER
You guys are crazy. Imagining things.
Brad and Keith look at each other and decide it’s not worth fighting about.
BRAD
So anyway, he scrambles around, throws into double coverage. Bam! Fires the ball right in there for a first down. Awesome. Awesome play.
KEITH
Yeah, did you see how he looked off the safety before he--
Roger has the terrified look on his face again as he stares at the wall behind Keith and Brad.
KEITH (CONT'D)
Roger, what is going on?
ROGER
Nothing.
KEITH
You’re doing it again.
ROGER
No I’m not.
BRAD
Yeah, you are.
Brad takes out his camera phone, snaps a picture of Roger’s face and shows him.
BRAD (CONT'D)
See. What the hell?
Roger’s look of terror goes away while he looks at the picture. It comes back as soon as he lifts his head and looks at the wall behind Brad and Keith.
ROGER
That’s not me.
BRAD
Dude, I just took your picture.
ROGER
That’s not me. I don’t know how you did that. Is that some new iPhone app?
BRAD
I just took your picture and showed it to you. How the hell would I fake that?
ROGER
You’re a smart guy, you tell me.
Brad puts his phone back in his pocket.
KEITH
Roger, what’s going on? Is there something going on behind us?
ROGER
No. Maybe.
Keith and Brad turn around and see a giant scorpion on the wall between their heads. They both freak out and run behind Roger.
KEITH
Dude! Why didn’t you tell us there was a giant fucking scorpion on the wall?
ROGER
I wasn’t sure what it was.
KEITH
It’s a fucking scorpion! A six-year-old could have identified that!
BRAD
Stevie Wonder could have identified that!
ROGER
Are you sure it’s a scorpion?
KEITH
I’ll tell you after I kill it.
Keith takes off his shoe and makes to kill the scorpion with it.
ROGER
No wait! Don’t kill it!
Keith hesitates and doesn’t kill the scorpion.
BRAD
Why not?
ROGER
Scorpions eat bugs.
BRAD
They’re poisonous. If it bites me I could die.
ROGER
Scorpions don’t bite. They sting.
BRAD
Fine, it could sting me and I could die.
ROGER
Would that really be so bad?
BRAD
Get that fucking look off your face!
ROGER
I still don’t know what you’re talking about.
Brad takes his phone out, snaps another picture of Roger and shows him the face.
BRAD
That’s what I’m talking about.
ROGER
Dude, that’s weird. That guy is wearing the same clothes as me, but that’s not my face. Those guys at Apple are geniuses.
BRAD
Dude--
KEITH
Roger, seriously, I’m going to kill that scorpion.
ROGER
Don’t kill it. Look, I’ll warn you if it comes close to you, okay?
KEITH
Why don’t we just kill it and not worry about it?
ROGER
Because he’s just living his life. He’s not bothering anyone. How would you like it if you were walking down the street one day, enjoying the scenery, and someone smashed you into a greasy spot on the sidewalk because you had a knife in your pocket and you “might” stab someone with it?
Keith and Brad think about this.
KEITH
Okay, okay. I won’t kill it.
BRAD
But if it gets close to me you’d better warn me. I don’t want to get stung.
ROGER
Don’t worry guys, I will totally warn you.
BRAD
Alright. I’m going to trust you.
KEITH
Me too.
ROGER
Good. Now, have a seat and tell me more about the game last night.
Brad and Keith sit back down cautiously. They both look over their shoulders at the scorpion on the wall.
ROGER (CONT'D)
Don’t even worry about him. He hasn’t moved in like five minutes. He’s probably asleep.
KEITH
Okay, so, the receiver runs this great double move on the corner, the quarterback looks off the safety, pumps the ball once to freeze the linebackers . . .
Roger’s face slowly goes from normal to the extreme look of terror as the story progresses.
KEITH (CONT'D)
. . . and WHAM! Fires the ball into the receiver, 25 yards on a rope.
ROGER
Uh huh. Uh huh. Sounds like a great play.
Brad meets Roger’s eyes and follows his gaze to the wall. The scorpion is gone. Brad jumps up quickly.
BRAD
What the fuck dude? Where is he?
Keith turns and sees that the scorpion is gone. He jumps up too.
KEITH
Shit! He’s gone.
ROGER
What are you guys talking about?
KEITH
The scorpion man, where is the scorpion?!
ROGER
The what?
BRAD
That big ass scorpion that was on the wall. Where did it go?
ROGER
Oh, that thing. Yeah. It’s on your back.
BRAD
What?!
Brad dances around the yard in an attempt to look at his own back.
BRAD (CONT'D)
Get it off me! Get it off! Get it off!
Keith runs over to Brad and swipes at his back.
KEITH
There’s nothing on his back.
ROGER
Maybe he’s on yours then. I wasn’t really paying attention.
KEITH
What?! Get it off!
Keith turns and does the same “look at my own back” dance that Brad did.
KEITH (CONT'D)
Is it on me? Is it? Get it off! Please!
Brad swipes at Keith’s back. They take turns swiping at each other’s back. Finally Brad sees the scorpion on the ground and stomps on it.
BRAD
I got it, I got it. No more scorpion.
KEITH
Hell yeah. The great white hunter strikes again.
Keith looks down at the carcass of the scorpion and leans low to talk to it.
KEITH (CONT'D)
How do you like that, bitch!
Keith jumps up and high-fives Brad. They sit down with a look of smug satisfaction on their faces.
BRAD
Looks like I showed that scorpion a thing or two. That’ll teach him to come into my world.
Roger sits, stone faced.
ROGER
That was rude, man. Totally uncalled for.
BRAD
He was on my fucking back. What do you expect?
ROGER
I expect you to treat your fellow earth inhabitants with a little more respect and decorum.
KEITH
Dude, it was crawling all over us. It had to be done.
Stony silence from Roger.
KEITH (CONT'D)
Whatever dude. You’d have done the same if it was crawling on you.
No reaction from Roger. Brad and Keith sit back down on the bench.
BRAD
Anyway, so back to the game. He fires the ball into a spot about the size of a basketball from 25 yards out. It was an unbelievable throw. Just absolutely unbelievable.
Roger looks back at the wall and gets the look of terror on his face again. There is a puppy on the wall where the scorpion used to be.
ROGER(through teeth gritted in fear)
Nobody move. There is something on the wall behind you.
Brad and Keith make a move to turn and look.
ROGER (CONT'D)
Don’t turn around! Don’t look at it. Don’t let it know you are there. I’ll handle this.
Roger pulls a huge clown shoe out from under his chair, lets out at primal SCREAM and leads with the shoe in a dive at the wall between Brad and Keith.
CUT TO BLACK
THE END
EXT. BACKYARD - NIGHT
KEITH and BRAD, two college students, sit on a bench with their backs to the wall next to the BBQ grill. ROGER, also a college student, sits on a lawn chair facing Keith and Brad. All three of them hold beers and sip them.
KEITH
Man, did you see that game last night?
BRAD
Oh yeah. Great fourth quarter. That was such a good ending.
KEITH
Yeah, when he rolled out on fourth and seventeen from his own 8 yard line . . . man, what a pass.
BRAD
Best pass I’ve ever seen him make. Threaded the needle, double coverage--
Brad and Keith both look in puzzlement at Roger, who stares at the wall behind them with a look of sheer terror on his face.
BRAD (CONT'D)
Roger, are you okay?
Roger maintains the look of terror on his face.
ROGER
I’m fine. Why do you ask?
BRAD
Well, the look on your face.
ROGER
What look on my face?
KEITH
The look on your face right now.
Roger’s look of terror disappears.
ROGER
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
KEITH
It’s gone now. You look normal now.
ROGER
Um, guys, I think I always look normal. Obviously. I only have one face.
KEITH
Dude, you had a stupid look on your face.
ROGER
Are you saying I look stupid?
KEITH
Not now.
BRAD
But you did.
Roger shrugs his shoulders and leans back in his chair.
ROGER
You guys are crazy. Imagining things.
Brad and Keith look at each other and decide it’s not worth fighting about.
BRAD
So anyway, he scrambles around, throws into double coverage. Bam! Fires the ball right in there for a first down. Awesome. Awesome play.
KEITH
Yeah, did you see how he looked off the safety before he--
Roger has the terrified look on his face again as he stares at the wall behind Keith and Brad.
KEITH (CONT'D)
Roger, what is going on?
ROGER
Nothing.
KEITH
You’re doing it again.
ROGER
No I’m not.
BRAD
Yeah, you are.
Brad takes out his camera phone, snaps a picture of Roger’s face and shows him.
BRAD (CONT'D)
See. What the hell?
Roger’s look of terror goes away while he looks at the picture. It comes back as soon as he lifts his head and looks at the wall behind Brad and Keith.
ROGER
That’s not me.
BRAD
Dude, I just took your picture.
ROGER
That’s not me. I don’t know how you did that. Is that some new iPhone app?
BRAD
I just took your picture and showed it to you. How the hell would I fake that?
ROGER
You’re a smart guy, you tell me.
Brad puts his phone back in his pocket.
KEITH
Roger, what’s going on? Is there something going on behind us?
ROGER
No. Maybe.
Keith and Brad turn around and see a giant scorpion on the wall between their heads. They both freak out and run behind Roger.
KEITH
Dude! Why didn’t you tell us there was a giant fucking scorpion on the wall?
ROGER
I wasn’t sure what it was.
KEITH
It’s a fucking scorpion! A six-year-old could have identified that!
BRAD
Stevie Wonder could have identified that!
ROGER
Are you sure it’s a scorpion?
KEITH
I’ll tell you after I kill it.
Keith takes off his shoe and makes to kill the scorpion with it.
ROGER
No wait! Don’t kill it!
Keith hesitates and doesn’t kill the scorpion.
BRAD
Why not?
ROGER
Scorpions eat bugs.
BRAD
They’re poisonous. If it bites me I could die.
ROGER
Scorpions don’t bite. They sting.
BRAD
Fine, it could sting me and I could die.
ROGER
Would that really be so bad?
BRAD
Get that fucking look off your face!
ROGER
I still don’t know what you’re talking about.
Brad takes his phone out, snaps another picture of Roger and shows him the face.
BRAD
That’s what I’m talking about.
ROGER
Dude, that’s weird. That guy is wearing the same clothes as me, but that’s not my face. Those guys at Apple are geniuses.
BRAD
Dude--
KEITH
Roger, seriously, I’m going to kill that scorpion.
ROGER
Don’t kill it. Look, I’ll warn you if it comes close to you, okay?
KEITH
Why don’t we just kill it and not worry about it?
ROGER
Because he’s just living his life. He’s not bothering anyone. How would you like it if you were walking down the street one day, enjoying the scenery, and someone smashed you into a greasy spot on the sidewalk because you had a knife in your pocket and you “might” stab someone with it?
Keith and Brad think about this.
KEITH
Okay, okay. I won’t kill it.
BRAD
But if it gets close to me you’d better warn me. I don’t want to get stung.
ROGER
Don’t worry guys, I will totally warn you.
BRAD
Alright. I’m going to trust you.
KEITH
Me too.
ROGER
Good. Now, have a seat and tell me more about the game last night.
Brad and Keith sit back down cautiously. They both look over their shoulders at the scorpion on the wall.
ROGER (CONT'D)
Don’t even worry about him. He hasn’t moved in like five minutes. He’s probably asleep.
KEITH
Okay, so, the receiver runs this great double move on the corner, the quarterback looks off the safety, pumps the ball once to freeze the linebackers . . .
Roger’s face slowly goes from normal to the extreme look of terror as the story progresses.
KEITH (CONT'D)
. . . and WHAM! Fires the ball into the receiver, 25 yards on a rope.
ROGER
Uh huh. Uh huh. Sounds like a great play.
Brad meets Roger’s eyes and follows his gaze to the wall. The scorpion is gone. Brad jumps up quickly.
BRAD
What the fuck dude? Where is he?
Keith turns and sees that the scorpion is gone. He jumps up too.
KEITH
Shit! He’s gone.
ROGER
What are you guys talking about?
KEITH
The scorpion man, where is the scorpion?!
ROGER
The what?
BRAD
That big ass scorpion that was on the wall. Where did it go?
ROGER
Oh, that thing. Yeah. It’s on your back.
BRAD
What?!
Brad dances around the yard in an attempt to look at his own back.
BRAD (CONT'D)
Get it off me! Get it off! Get it off!
Keith runs over to Brad and swipes at his back.
KEITH
There’s nothing on his back.
ROGER
Maybe he’s on yours then. I wasn’t really paying attention.
KEITH
What?! Get it off!
Keith turns and does the same “look at my own back” dance that Brad did.
KEITH (CONT'D)
Is it on me? Is it? Get it off! Please!
Brad swipes at Keith’s back. They take turns swiping at each other’s back. Finally Brad sees the scorpion on the ground and stomps on it.
BRAD
I got it, I got it. No more scorpion.
KEITH
Hell yeah. The great white hunter strikes again.
Keith looks down at the carcass of the scorpion and leans low to talk to it.
KEITH (CONT'D)
How do you like that, bitch!
Keith jumps up and high-fives Brad. They sit down with a look of smug satisfaction on their faces.
BRAD
Looks like I showed that scorpion a thing or two. That’ll teach him to come into my world.
Roger sits, stone faced.
ROGER
That was rude, man. Totally uncalled for.
BRAD
He was on my fucking back. What do you expect?
ROGER
I expect you to treat your fellow earth inhabitants with a little more respect and decorum.
KEITH
Dude, it was crawling all over us. It had to be done.
Stony silence from Roger.
KEITH (CONT'D)
Whatever dude. You’d have done the same if it was crawling on you.
No reaction from Roger. Brad and Keith sit back down on the bench.
BRAD
Anyway, so back to the game. He fires the ball into a spot about the size of a basketball from 25 yards out. It was an unbelievable throw. Just absolutely unbelievable.
Roger looks back at the wall and gets the look of terror on his face again. There is a puppy on the wall where the scorpion used to be.
ROGER(through teeth gritted in fear)
Nobody move. There is something on the wall behind you.
Brad and Keith make a move to turn and look.
ROGER (CONT'D)
Don’t turn around! Don’t look at it. Don’t let it know you are there. I’ll handle this.
Roger pulls a huge clown shoe out from under his chair, lets out at primal SCREAM and leads with the shoe in a dive at the wall between Brad and Keith.
CUT TO BLACK
THE END
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Treading Water
FADE IN:
EXT. SAGUARO LAKE - DAWN
DARREN, a handsome man in his late 20’s with the weight of the world on his shoulders, drives a small boat with an outboard motor towards the center of the lake. He is dressed in business casual attire and drives the boat with a small amount of trepidation. He drives as far as he can from land and then sets the boat in tight circles.
A bird flies overhead. He watches it fly past, acknowledging its beauty. His sadness deepens. He looks back at the loading dock, now just a speck in the distance. The engine SPUTTERS as it begins to run out of gas.
DARREN
Well. I guess this is it.
He aims the boat back toward the loading dock. The engine sputters again. He takes a deep breath and jumps out of the boat into the cold water. The empty boat heads back toward land.
EXT. SAGUARO LAKE - UNDERWATER
Dark, peaceful silence. Darren looks around resignedly.
CUT TO:
EXT. OAK CREEK CANYON’S SLIDE ROCK- UNDERWATER
Darren looks up at the sunlight coming from above the water. He swims upwards towards it.
He breaks the surface and wipes the water from his eyes. He is at Slide Rock State Park in Sedona, AZ. He looks down to see he is standing in shallow water and wearing a swimsuit. He walks up the banks of the river and begins to climb out. A voice from behind him.
KEITH
That was fun, huh?
Darren spins quickly to see KEITH, his friend from college. Darren is very disoriented.
DARREN
Uhhh, yeah. That was awesome.
KEITH
Your ass is going to hurt for days after today. But it’s all worth it.
DARREN
Oh, I uh, I definitely hope so.
Darren turns and watches a young boy slide down the rocks of Slide Rock, bouncing on the rocks as he slides. He subconsciously rubs his backside.
KEITH
Hey, just check out the eye candy. That will make any amount of ass pain worth it.
Keith points to a section of red rock with four beautiful college-age girls, DANIELLE, ERICA, MICHELLE and BRIDGET sunbathing in bikinis. Darren focuses on Danielle and is incredulous.
DARREN
Danielle?
KEITH
What? You know one of those girls?
DARRENNo, I--
KEITH
You better introduce me. Don’t hold out on me man.
DARREN
Wait, I--, I just have a class with her I think. One of my Comm classes.
KEITH
Well then get to talking. Tell her we’re throwing a party tonight and you want to invite them.
DARREN
A party tonight?
KEITH
Yeah, if they say yes then we’ll just have to figure out how to throw a party. We can throw one at your house, your parents are out of town.
Darren is nervous but succumbs to the peer pressure.
DARREN
Okay. I’ll talk to them.
He walks over to where the girls are sunbathing and clears his throat. None of the girls take much notice. Darren clears his throat again. Danielle leans up and peels her sunglasses back to look him in the eye.
DANIELLE
You’re standing in my sunlight.
Darren quickly steps out of her sunlight.
DARREN
Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to. Just wasn’t thinking.
He looks familiarly at Danielle.
DANIELLE
What were your thinking?
She meets his gaze with a slight bit of confusion. She KNOWS this guy from somewhere. He tries desperately not to stare at her near-naked body.
DARREN
Well, I--
DANIELLE
Do I know you from somewhere?
DARREN
Yeah. I mean, no. Not really. Well, sort of. We have a class together.
DANIELLE
Economics?
DARREN
No, um, Comm 201.
DANIELLE
Comm 201 huh? Are you a communications major?
DARREN
Um, yeah, kind of. I, I just started with it, and, well--
DANIELLE
You might want to rethink that major, given the substance of this conversation.
MICHELLE
Leave him alone Danielle.
ERICA
Yeah, do you have to be rude to every guy that tries to talk to you?
DANIELLE
Hey, I’m just trying to help the guy out.
(to Darren)
Do you need a tutor for Comm 201? Is that what you came over here for?
DARREN
No, I, well, my friend Keith and I--
He points to Keith who is standing near the water and standing with his muscles flexed, trying to look as buff as possible. When he sees the girls look at him he stiffens.
DARREN (CONT'D)
Are having a party tonight and we wanted to know if you ladies would be interested in coming to it. It should be a good time.
Bridget and Erica give Keith a once-over and nod.
BRIDGET
He’s kind of cute. I’ll go.
ERICA
Me too.
DANIELLE
What’s in it for me? Besides you getting out of my sun for a little while?
DARREN
Well, we have a couple of kegs, a fire pit, beer pong and, um, a live band.
MICHELLE
A live band? Anybody I’ve heard of?
DARREN
I can say, with little doubt, that you have never heard of this band. But the beer will make up for that.
Danielle looks at Darren skeptically.
DARREN (CONT'D)
And you can tutor me, at Comm 201, if you think that will help.
Danielle smiles for the first time.
DANIELLE
Erica, give him your number so he can call us and tell us where the party is.
ERICA
Why don’t you give him your number?
DANIELLE
Because you’re the driver, so if you decide you don’t want to go then none of us will go.
BRIDGET
Plus you’re the hooker of the group. You’re used to random guys calling you.
ERICA
That’s true. Okay.
Keith watches as Darren takes a small piece of paper from Erica. Darren smiles weakly as he comes back to Keith.
KEITH
Dude, you got her number? Awesome!
DARREN
Yeah, but we’re in deep.
KEITH
Why?
DARREN
I told them we had a live band at our party tonight.
KEITH
Oh crap.
DARREN
Yeah. We’d better get going if we’re going to get a live band by tonight.
KEITH
Okay, but let’s do one more run before we bail.
DARREN
Okay.
They go to the top of Slide Rock and slide down one after another. When Darren hits the water he slips underneath the surface. It is dark and peaceful. He looks up to the light coming from above the surface and swims toward it.
CUT TO:
EXT. OAK CREEK CANYON MILE MARKER 377 - UNDERWATER
He breaks the surface to CHEERS. He wipes the water from his eyes. His college friends Keith, JOE, and TIM line the banks of Oak Creek at a deep spot in the river. Behind them stand Erica, Michelle and Bridget, all clapping. He spins in the water to look behind him to see a sheer rock wall about 50 feet tall.
TIM
That was awesome buddy! Awesome!
DARREN
What the hell did I just do?
Darren dog paddles to the bank of the river and rolls over onto his back, basking in the safety of dry land.
DARREN (CONT'D)
What, the hell, did I just do?
JOE
You jumped, dumbass. And it was awesome!
Darren turns to look at everyone on the bank of the river. Someone is missing. Suddenly a FEMALE YELL from behind him. He turns just in time to see a flash of a body hitting the water behind him. Everyone on the bank CHEERS.
DARREN
What was that?
He waits a long few seconds, looking at the surface of the water. Suddenly it breaks and Danielle comes splashing out of it, smiling from ear to ear.
She hits the banks of the river and slicks her hair back. She is the most beautiful thing Darren has ever seen. She looks at him quizzically.
DANIELLE
What?
Darren smiles.
DANIELLE (CONT'D)
What?!
DARREN
Nothing. Just, that was awesome.
DANIELLE
You think?
She looks up at the top of the cliff.
DANIELLE (CONT'D)
We should do that again.
DARREN
What, jump? From up there?
DANIELLE
Yeah jump. From up there. You already did it once and lived.
DARREN
Yeah, but I don’t want to press my luck.
DANIELLE
Then let me press your luck for you. You’re jumping. We’re jumping.
She grabs him by the hand and pulls him toward the trailhead that leads to the top of the cliff. Darren follows Danielle up the trail to the cliff, admiring her body as he follows. She truly is breathtaking.
EXT. OAK CREEK CANYON MILE MARKER 377 CLIFF - SAME
Danielle and Darren walk to the edge of the cliff and look down. The drop is staggering.
DARREN
I think jumping once was enough, don’t you?
DANIELLEYou only live once Darren.
DARREN
Live once, jump twice? Is that your motto?
DANIELLE
Sounds good to me.
Darren looks over the edge and gulps heavily. Danielle grabs his hand and squeezes it.
DANIELLE (CONT'D)
Jump with me.
DARREN
What?
Danielle steps off the edge of the cliff, pulling Darren with her. They fall towards the water in silence.
The water roars around them as they enter. Then dark, peaceful silence. Darren looks around underwater, Danielle is nowhere to be found. He sees the light coming from above the water and swims to it.
CUT TO:
INT. SHOWER - NIGHT
CLOSE ON Darren’s face as he stands in the shower with powerful jets of water hitting his face. Unable to breathe he steps back from the shower head and wipes the water away from his face.
He looks around, momentarily confused at his surroundings, which consist of a very girlishly decorated shower and bathroom. He recognizes this place.
DARREN
(whispering, to himself)
Danielle’s shower?
The shower curtain slowly slides back behind him. He jumps slightly. Danielle enters the shower.
DANIELLE
I’m coming in.
DARREN
Danielle?
DANIELLE
Yes?
DARREN
Um, hi.
Danielle wraps her arms around him from behind and whispers in his ear.
DANIELLE
Hi yourself. You sure were a tiger last night. And again this morning.
She kisses his neck then moves in front of him to get closer to the shower head.
DANIELLE (CONT'D)
Wash my hair.
Darren stands behind her and gently washes her hair for her. She enjoys his hands on her. She backs up into him.
DANIELLE (CONT'D)
Ooh, feels like someone is fully awake down there. Is there a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
He spins her around.
DARREN
I’m very, very, VERY happy to see you.
DANIELLE
I’m not sure if you’re happy enough to see me yet. Let me just go check. Gotta make sure to make you as happy as you make me.
She crouches down in front of him. He smiles and leans forward so his hands are on the shower wall in front of him. CLOSE ON Darren as the water from the shower head sprays directly in his face, creating a dark, peaceful silence.
CUT TO:
EXT. OAK CREEK CANYON MILE MARKER 377 UNDERWATER - NIGHT
Darren breaks the surface of the water and gasps for air. The full moon illuminates the water. A campfire burns next to the banks of the river. He looks to his right as Danielle breaks the surface next to him.
DANIELLE
That never gets old.
Darren looks deeply in her eyes.
DARREN
Nope. It sure doesn’t.
DANIELLE
Do you want to go again? That was twice as exciting at night.
DARREN
Sure, I’ll go again.
The fire sparks and crackles. Darren gets out to go look at it. He reaches down into the sand and grabs something.
DARREN (CONT'D)
Danielle, come check this out real quick. I think you should see this.
DANIELLE
What is it?
DARREN
I don’t think you’re going to believe it.
She gets out of the water and walks next to him.
DANIELLE
What is it?Darren gets down on one knee and holds out the item he picked up from the sand: a box with a ring in it.
DARREN
Danielle, will you marry me?
Danielle is shocked.
DANIELLE
What? I--
DARREN
This is the exact spot I fell in love with you and I want you to be with me forever.
DANIELLE
Yes. YES! Of course I will marry you!
Darren puts the ring on her finger. She admires it for a second before rushing into his arms so forcefully they both fall into the river. There is a dark and peaceful silence.
CUT TO:
INT. LAS VEGAS HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
CLOSE ON Darren as he wipes a liquid from his eyes. Keith, Tim and Joe surround him and spray him with champagne. Darren has trouble breathing or seeing his surroundings. Finally:
DARREN
What the hell?
The champagne bath stops as the bottles run out of bubbles. Keith hands him a bottle. Beer cans and empty bottles litter the room. The four of them are clearly drunk.
KEITH
Drink up, asshole.
TIM
Bottoms up, dumbass.
Darren takes the bottle from Keith and takes a swig. He chokes on it.
DARREN
Ugh, what is this crap?
JOE
You didn’t think we’d waste the good stuff on you did you? We decided to spend our money on better things.
DARREN
What kind of better things?
JOE
The kind of better things that you are going to be missing out on when your dumb ass gets married.
DARREN
Keith, what’s he talking about?
KEITH
Hey, I plead the fifth on this one.
DARREN
Keith, what is he talking about?
TIM
He’s talking about this evening’s entertainment.
DARREN
Entertainment? I thought I told you guys I didn’t want a stripper. I just wanted to hang out with you guys in Vegas for my bachelor party.
TIM
Don’t worry, she’s not a stripper.
DARREN
What?Joe leads a beautiful prostitute, AMANDA, from the bathroom.
JOE
Darren, this is Amanda. Amanda, Darren. Now that you’ve met, we’ve got a thing we’ve gotta go do in the lobby for, oh, an hour?
Amanda nods.
TIM
An hour it is then. See you then.
DARREN
What? No! You guys can’t leave me alone with her.
TIM
Darren, this woman has been paid handsomely to lick all of the champagne off of your body.
DARRENBut I--
TIM
Handsomely, I said. And on that note . . .
Tim pours his bottle of champagne down the front of Darren’s pants. He gestures to the wet area on Darren’s crotch as he speaks to Amanda.
TIM (CONT'D)
I think this would be a good area to start in. Just a suggestion.
Tim, Joe and Keith turn to leave.
JOE
See you in an hour.
DARREN
Guys, I--
AMANDA
Don’t worry Darren. I guarantee my services are worth every penny your friends spent. Every penny.
She pushes him back on his bed and begins to undo his belt. He leans back on his elbows while still holding the bottle of champagne. He takes a long swig and chokes on it when she suddenly and violently removes his belt, spilling champagne all over his face. CLOSE ON Darren’s face.
CUT TO:
INT. FIBBER MCGEE’S IRISH PUB - NIGHT
CLOSE ON Darren’s face as he wipes liquid out of his eyes. He is wearing the same clothes as he was wearing on the boat in the first scene. Danielle is standing facing him, an empty glass in her hand. She is livid.
DANIELLE
I can’t believe you did this! I can’t believe you did this to us! You said you loved me.
DARREN
I do! I do love you! That’s why I-
DANIELLE
Don’t tell me that. Don’t tell me that you fucked some other girl in the same sentence you tell me you love me.
DARREN
Look, she was a prostitute, she wasn’t--
DANIELLE
Oh, a prostitute! That’s supposed to make everything better? Are you kidding me?
DARREN
Danielle, I--
DANIELLE
You know what? I don’t want to hear it! I don’t!
She rips her engagement ring off and drops it in his drink.
DANIELLE (CONT'D)
Why don’t you give that to your prostitute. I’m sure she could find a better use for it than I ever will.
Danielle begins to storm off before coming back to grab another patron’s drink and throwing it in Darren’s face. CLOSE ON Darren’s face.
CUT TO:EXT. SAGUARO LAKE - DAY
CLOSE ON Darren’s unmoving pale blue face as water drips off of it. He is on his back on a boat, surrounded by Search and Rescue workers. The CHIEF zips up a body bag over Darren’s face.
CHIEF
Another floater out here. I wonder what convinced this guy that the sun wasn’t going to shine tomorrow?
THE END
EXT. SAGUARO LAKE - DAWN
DARREN, a handsome man in his late 20’s with the weight of the world on his shoulders, drives a small boat with an outboard motor towards the center of the lake. He is dressed in business casual attire and drives the boat with a small amount of trepidation. He drives as far as he can from land and then sets the boat in tight circles.
A bird flies overhead. He watches it fly past, acknowledging its beauty. His sadness deepens. He looks back at the loading dock, now just a speck in the distance. The engine SPUTTERS as it begins to run out of gas.
DARREN
Well. I guess this is it.
He aims the boat back toward the loading dock. The engine sputters again. He takes a deep breath and jumps out of the boat into the cold water. The empty boat heads back toward land.
EXT. SAGUARO LAKE - UNDERWATER
Dark, peaceful silence. Darren looks around resignedly.
CUT TO:
EXT. OAK CREEK CANYON’S SLIDE ROCK- UNDERWATER
Darren looks up at the sunlight coming from above the water. He swims upwards towards it.
He breaks the surface and wipes the water from his eyes. He is at Slide Rock State Park in Sedona, AZ. He looks down to see he is standing in shallow water and wearing a swimsuit. He walks up the banks of the river and begins to climb out. A voice from behind him.
KEITH
That was fun, huh?
Darren spins quickly to see KEITH, his friend from college. Darren is very disoriented.
DARREN
Uhhh, yeah. That was awesome.
KEITH
Your ass is going to hurt for days after today. But it’s all worth it.
DARREN
Oh, I uh, I definitely hope so.
Darren turns and watches a young boy slide down the rocks of Slide Rock, bouncing on the rocks as he slides. He subconsciously rubs his backside.
KEITH
Hey, just check out the eye candy. That will make any amount of ass pain worth it.
Keith points to a section of red rock with four beautiful college-age girls, DANIELLE, ERICA, MICHELLE and BRIDGET sunbathing in bikinis. Darren focuses on Danielle and is incredulous.
DARREN
Danielle?
KEITH
What? You know one of those girls?
DARRENNo, I--
KEITH
You better introduce me. Don’t hold out on me man.
DARREN
Wait, I--, I just have a class with her I think. One of my Comm classes.
KEITH
Well then get to talking. Tell her we’re throwing a party tonight and you want to invite them.
DARREN
A party tonight?
KEITH
Yeah, if they say yes then we’ll just have to figure out how to throw a party. We can throw one at your house, your parents are out of town.
Darren is nervous but succumbs to the peer pressure.
DARREN
Okay. I’ll talk to them.
He walks over to where the girls are sunbathing and clears his throat. None of the girls take much notice. Darren clears his throat again. Danielle leans up and peels her sunglasses back to look him in the eye.
DANIELLE
You’re standing in my sunlight.
Darren quickly steps out of her sunlight.
DARREN
Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to. Just wasn’t thinking.
He looks familiarly at Danielle.
DANIELLE
What were your thinking?
She meets his gaze with a slight bit of confusion. She KNOWS this guy from somewhere. He tries desperately not to stare at her near-naked body.
DARREN
Well, I--
DANIELLE
Do I know you from somewhere?
DARREN
Yeah. I mean, no. Not really. Well, sort of. We have a class together.
DANIELLE
Economics?
DARREN
No, um, Comm 201.
DANIELLE
Comm 201 huh? Are you a communications major?
DARREN
Um, yeah, kind of. I, I just started with it, and, well--
DANIELLE
You might want to rethink that major, given the substance of this conversation.
MICHELLE
Leave him alone Danielle.
ERICA
Yeah, do you have to be rude to every guy that tries to talk to you?
DANIELLE
Hey, I’m just trying to help the guy out.
(to Darren)
Do you need a tutor for Comm 201? Is that what you came over here for?
DARREN
No, I, well, my friend Keith and I--
He points to Keith who is standing near the water and standing with his muscles flexed, trying to look as buff as possible. When he sees the girls look at him he stiffens.
DARREN (CONT'D)
Are having a party tonight and we wanted to know if you ladies would be interested in coming to it. It should be a good time.
Bridget and Erica give Keith a once-over and nod.
BRIDGET
He’s kind of cute. I’ll go.
ERICA
Me too.
DANIELLE
What’s in it for me? Besides you getting out of my sun for a little while?
DARREN
Well, we have a couple of kegs, a fire pit, beer pong and, um, a live band.
MICHELLE
A live band? Anybody I’ve heard of?
DARREN
I can say, with little doubt, that you have never heard of this band. But the beer will make up for that.
Danielle looks at Darren skeptically.
DARREN (CONT'D)
And you can tutor me, at Comm 201, if you think that will help.
Danielle smiles for the first time.
DANIELLE
Erica, give him your number so he can call us and tell us where the party is.
ERICA
Why don’t you give him your number?
DANIELLE
Because you’re the driver, so if you decide you don’t want to go then none of us will go.
BRIDGET
Plus you’re the hooker of the group. You’re used to random guys calling you.
ERICA
That’s true. Okay.
Keith watches as Darren takes a small piece of paper from Erica. Darren smiles weakly as he comes back to Keith.
KEITH
Dude, you got her number? Awesome!
DARREN
Yeah, but we’re in deep.
KEITH
Why?
DARREN
I told them we had a live band at our party tonight.
KEITH
Oh crap.
DARREN
Yeah. We’d better get going if we’re going to get a live band by tonight.
KEITH
Okay, but let’s do one more run before we bail.
DARREN
Okay.
They go to the top of Slide Rock and slide down one after another. When Darren hits the water he slips underneath the surface. It is dark and peaceful. He looks up to the light coming from above the surface and swims toward it.
CUT TO:
EXT. OAK CREEK CANYON MILE MARKER 377 - UNDERWATER
He breaks the surface to CHEERS. He wipes the water from his eyes. His college friends Keith, JOE, and TIM line the banks of Oak Creek at a deep spot in the river. Behind them stand Erica, Michelle and Bridget, all clapping. He spins in the water to look behind him to see a sheer rock wall about 50 feet tall.
TIM
That was awesome buddy! Awesome!
DARREN
What the hell did I just do?
Darren dog paddles to the bank of the river and rolls over onto his back, basking in the safety of dry land.
DARREN (CONT'D)
What, the hell, did I just do?
JOE
You jumped, dumbass. And it was awesome!
Darren turns to look at everyone on the bank of the river. Someone is missing. Suddenly a FEMALE YELL from behind him. He turns just in time to see a flash of a body hitting the water behind him. Everyone on the bank CHEERS.
DARREN
What was that?
He waits a long few seconds, looking at the surface of the water. Suddenly it breaks and Danielle comes splashing out of it, smiling from ear to ear.
She hits the banks of the river and slicks her hair back. She is the most beautiful thing Darren has ever seen. She looks at him quizzically.
DANIELLE
What?
Darren smiles.
DANIELLE (CONT'D)
What?!
DARREN
Nothing. Just, that was awesome.
DANIELLE
You think?
She looks up at the top of the cliff.
DANIELLE (CONT'D)
We should do that again.
DARREN
What, jump? From up there?
DANIELLE
Yeah jump. From up there. You already did it once and lived.
DARREN
Yeah, but I don’t want to press my luck.
DANIELLE
Then let me press your luck for you. You’re jumping. We’re jumping.
She grabs him by the hand and pulls him toward the trailhead that leads to the top of the cliff. Darren follows Danielle up the trail to the cliff, admiring her body as he follows. She truly is breathtaking.
EXT. OAK CREEK CANYON MILE MARKER 377 CLIFF - SAME
Danielle and Darren walk to the edge of the cliff and look down. The drop is staggering.
DARREN
I think jumping once was enough, don’t you?
DANIELLEYou only live once Darren.
DARREN
Live once, jump twice? Is that your motto?
DANIELLE
Sounds good to me.
Darren looks over the edge and gulps heavily. Danielle grabs his hand and squeezes it.
DANIELLE (CONT'D)
Jump with me.
DARREN
What?
Danielle steps off the edge of the cliff, pulling Darren with her. They fall towards the water in silence.
The water roars around them as they enter. Then dark, peaceful silence. Darren looks around underwater, Danielle is nowhere to be found. He sees the light coming from above the water and swims to it.
CUT TO:
INT. SHOWER - NIGHT
CLOSE ON Darren’s face as he stands in the shower with powerful jets of water hitting his face. Unable to breathe he steps back from the shower head and wipes the water away from his face.
He looks around, momentarily confused at his surroundings, which consist of a very girlishly decorated shower and bathroom. He recognizes this place.
DARREN
(whispering, to himself)
Danielle’s shower?
The shower curtain slowly slides back behind him. He jumps slightly. Danielle enters the shower.
DANIELLE
I’m coming in.
DARREN
Danielle?
DANIELLE
Yes?
DARREN
Um, hi.
Danielle wraps her arms around him from behind and whispers in his ear.
DANIELLE
Hi yourself. You sure were a tiger last night. And again this morning.
She kisses his neck then moves in front of him to get closer to the shower head.
DANIELLE (CONT'D)
Wash my hair.
Darren stands behind her and gently washes her hair for her. She enjoys his hands on her. She backs up into him.
DANIELLE (CONT'D)
Ooh, feels like someone is fully awake down there. Is there a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
He spins her around.
DARREN
I’m very, very, VERY happy to see you.
DANIELLE
I’m not sure if you’re happy enough to see me yet. Let me just go check. Gotta make sure to make you as happy as you make me.
She crouches down in front of him. He smiles and leans forward so his hands are on the shower wall in front of him. CLOSE ON Darren as the water from the shower head sprays directly in his face, creating a dark, peaceful silence.
CUT TO:
EXT. OAK CREEK CANYON MILE MARKER 377 UNDERWATER - NIGHT
Darren breaks the surface of the water and gasps for air. The full moon illuminates the water. A campfire burns next to the banks of the river. He looks to his right as Danielle breaks the surface next to him.
DANIELLE
That never gets old.
Darren looks deeply in her eyes.
DARREN
Nope. It sure doesn’t.
DANIELLE
Do you want to go again? That was twice as exciting at night.
DARREN
Sure, I’ll go again.
The fire sparks and crackles. Darren gets out to go look at it. He reaches down into the sand and grabs something.
DARREN (CONT'D)
Danielle, come check this out real quick. I think you should see this.
DANIELLE
What is it?
DARREN
I don’t think you’re going to believe it.
She gets out of the water and walks next to him.
DANIELLE
What is it?Darren gets down on one knee and holds out the item he picked up from the sand: a box with a ring in it.
DARREN
Danielle, will you marry me?
Danielle is shocked.
DANIELLE
What? I--
DARREN
This is the exact spot I fell in love with you and I want you to be with me forever.
DANIELLE
Yes. YES! Of course I will marry you!
Darren puts the ring on her finger. She admires it for a second before rushing into his arms so forcefully they both fall into the river. There is a dark and peaceful silence.
CUT TO:
INT. LAS VEGAS HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
CLOSE ON Darren as he wipes a liquid from his eyes. Keith, Tim and Joe surround him and spray him with champagne. Darren has trouble breathing or seeing his surroundings. Finally:
DARREN
What the hell?
The champagne bath stops as the bottles run out of bubbles. Keith hands him a bottle. Beer cans and empty bottles litter the room. The four of them are clearly drunk.
KEITH
Drink up, asshole.
TIM
Bottoms up, dumbass.
Darren takes the bottle from Keith and takes a swig. He chokes on it.
DARREN
Ugh, what is this crap?
JOE
You didn’t think we’d waste the good stuff on you did you? We decided to spend our money on better things.
DARREN
What kind of better things?
JOE
The kind of better things that you are going to be missing out on when your dumb ass gets married.
DARREN
Keith, what’s he talking about?
KEITH
Hey, I plead the fifth on this one.
DARREN
Keith, what is he talking about?
TIM
He’s talking about this evening’s entertainment.
DARREN
Entertainment? I thought I told you guys I didn’t want a stripper. I just wanted to hang out with you guys in Vegas for my bachelor party.
TIM
Don’t worry, she’s not a stripper.
DARREN
What?Joe leads a beautiful prostitute, AMANDA, from the bathroom.
JOE
Darren, this is Amanda. Amanda, Darren. Now that you’ve met, we’ve got a thing we’ve gotta go do in the lobby for, oh, an hour?
Amanda nods.
TIM
An hour it is then. See you then.
DARREN
What? No! You guys can’t leave me alone with her.
TIM
Darren, this woman has been paid handsomely to lick all of the champagne off of your body.
DARRENBut I--
TIM
Handsomely, I said. And on that note . . .
Tim pours his bottle of champagne down the front of Darren’s pants. He gestures to the wet area on Darren’s crotch as he speaks to Amanda.
TIM (CONT'D)
I think this would be a good area to start in. Just a suggestion.
Tim, Joe and Keith turn to leave.
JOE
See you in an hour.
DARREN
Guys, I--
AMANDA
Don’t worry Darren. I guarantee my services are worth every penny your friends spent. Every penny.
She pushes him back on his bed and begins to undo his belt. He leans back on his elbows while still holding the bottle of champagne. He takes a long swig and chokes on it when she suddenly and violently removes his belt, spilling champagne all over his face. CLOSE ON Darren’s face.
CUT TO:
INT. FIBBER MCGEE’S IRISH PUB - NIGHT
CLOSE ON Darren’s face as he wipes liquid out of his eyes. He is wearing the same clothes as he was wearing on the boat in the first scene. Danielle is standing facing him, an empty glass in her hand. She is livid.
DANIELLE
I can’t believe you did this! I can’t believe you did this to us! You said you loved me.
DARREN
I do! I do love you! That’s why I-
DANIELLE
Don’t tell me that. Don’t tell me that you fucked some other girl in the same sentence you tell me you love me.
DARREN
Look, she was a prostitute, she wasn’t--
DANIELLE
Oh, a prostitute! That’s supposed to make everything better? Are you kidding me?
DARREN
Danielle, I--
DANIELLE
You know what? I don’t want to hear it! I don’t!
She rips her engagement ring off and drops it in his drink.
DANIELLE (CONT'D)
Why don’t you give that to your prostitute. I’m sure she could find a better use for it than I ever will.
Danielle begins to storm off before coming back to grab another patron’s drink and throwing it in Darren’s face. CLOSE ON Darren’s face.
CUT TO:EXT. SAGUARO LAKE - DAY
CLOSE ON Darren’s unmoving pale blue face as water drips off of it. He is on his back on a boat, surrounded by Search and Rescue workers. The CHIEF zips up a body bag over Darren’s face.
CHIEF
Another floater out here. I wonder what convinced this guy that the sun wasn’t going to shine tomorrow?
THE END
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
The Fan
FADE IN:
EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - DAY
Two men in their late 20’s, PHILLIP and WALTER, take their seats in the upper deck of a football stadium. They are decked out in jerseys and hats supporting the home team.
PHILLIP(sarcastically)
Nice seats.
WALTER
Hey, they were free. Stop complaining.
The FAN comes up and sits in the seat directly behind them. He is a large, muscular black man in his late 40’s with thick glasses and a shaved head. When he speaks he has a deep, guttural voice reminiscent of an old blues man. He also sports the home team’s jersey. He leans down in between Phillip and Walter.
FAN
Hometown boys huh? Alright!
PHILLIP
Yep.
WALTER
Oh yeah.
FAN
We’re going to have a good game today. A GOOD game today! I can feel it.
PHILLIP
I hope so.
FAN
Hope? Boy you got to have faith! Faith I say!
He claps Walter on the back and leans back in his seat. Walter and Phillip exchange an “I hope it’s not going to be like this all game” glance.
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - SAME
The home team runs out onto the field. The crowd rises to its feet and begins cheering.
EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - SAME
Walter and Phillip are on their feet, clapping for the team. The Fan jumps up from his seat.
FAN
Those boys are looking good. Looking good! State better look out today, they gonna get a healthy dose of number 33 today. All day. Number 33! A healthy dose!
The Fan leans down between Phillip and Walter.
FAN (CONT'D)
You feel me?
WALTER
A healthy dose?
FAN
That’s right. A healthy dose of number 33. All day. All day. Number 33 gonna be up in that ass all day!
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - LATER
The teams line up and kickoff. The home team gets the ball and lines up for a play. Number 33 scores a touchdown on a long run on the first play from scrimmage.
EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - SAME
After the touchdown is scored all of the people in Walter and Phillip’s section are giving each other high fives and chest bumping one another.
FAN
What’d I tell you? All day. Number 33 up in that ass all day. Sweep right, number 33. Sweep left, number 33. Between the tackles, number 33. Up that ass, number 33. All day. ALL DAY! What’d I tell you? Up! In! That! Ass!
Walter and Phillip give each other a pained look.
PHILLIP
All day?
FAN
All day! What I tell you?
WALTER
All. Day.
FAN
That’s right. All day!
Walter rubs at his eyes as if trying to relieve a tension headache. He looks at the game clock. 14:45 left in the first quarter. He peeks back at The Fan and sees a one seat buffer in every direction from the Fan except for the seats Walter and Phillip are sitting in. The Fan continues CHEERING (ad lib) as a fan, CHUCK, in front of Phillip turns around.
CHUCK
Worst seats in the house.
PHILLIP
Excuse me?
CHUCK
You got the worst seats in the house. You didn’t pay for those, did you?
PHILLIP
No, my buddy gave them to me.
CHUCK
He must hate you. What did you do, sleep with his sister?
PHILLIP
No, he just said he couldn’t come this week.
CHUCK
That guy never comes. I see different people in those seats every week. That guy must have a lot of enemies.
WALTER
It’s not that bad is it? Does he calm down at all?
CHUCK
He is calm. Wait ‘til they go on defense.
WALTER
What, it gets worse?
Chuck laughs to himself and turns to face the game.
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - SAME
The teams line up and the home team kicks off to the visiting team. The visiting team lines up for a play.
EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - SAME
Walter looks at Phillip.
WALTER
How could it possibly get worse?
Phillip shrugs his shoulders. The Fan stands up behind them.
FAN
The I formation? Are you kidding me? They don’t respect you Mister Pendergast! They do not respect you!
WALTER(to Phillip)
Who is Mr. Pendergast?
Phillip shrugs his shoulders. Chuck turns around.
CHUCK
He’s the defensive coordinator. But his real name is Pendergrass. Not Pendergast. I don’t know where he came up with that one.
FAN
They do not respect you Mr. Pendergast! The I formation? That’s an insult to you, your momma and your hometown Mr. Pendergast! Don’t let them do that to you. You got to man up!
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - SAME
The visiting team runs a running play. It gains five or six yards.
EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - SAME
The Fan is going nuts in his seat.
FAN
Five yards! From the I formation? Mr. Pendergast you need to check your manhood at the door. You cannot let them do that to you. You cannot let them do that! You need 8 men in the box for that! 8 men in the box! All day baby, all day!
WALTER(to Phillip)
There’s no way he can keep this up all game.
CUT TO:
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - LATER
The clock shows 4:35 left in the 4th quarter. The home team is winning 47 to 6 and they have the ball.
EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - SAME
The entire section is empty except for Phillip, Walter and The Fan. The Fan has not lost one ounce of his venom as he yells at the game.
FAN
You know they were not looking for that number 33. A healthy dose of 33, that’s all you need. Take two number 33’s and call me in the morning. All day baby. All day. Mr. Pendergast, I hope you’re paying attention to this. That’s how you play. That, is, how, you, play, the, game!
He slaps Walter on the back.
FAN (CONT'D)
You can’t stop these boys! You cannot stop these boys! They run this. They control the game. You can’t control the game the way they do. No you can’t.
FADE OUT:
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - LATER
The clock hits 0:00 and the teams run off the field. The home team has won 54-6.
EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - SAME
Walter and Phillip get up to leave, they both look completely worn out. The Fan is still going strong.
FAN
Hell of a game boys. Hell of a game. A healthy dose of number 33. Eight men in the box. Mr. Pendergast finally got the respect that he was due. Hell of a game. Whooo!
WALTER
Yeah, hell of a game.
The Fan claps him on the back.
FAN
You take care now. Be good to yourself and your family. See you next week. Got a big game coming. Hell of a game. Got to get Mr. Pendergast the respect he deserves.
PHILLIP
Yes sir. We sure do. Catch you later.
FAN
Later boys.
Walter and Phillip leave the section.
INT. STADIUM CONCOURSE - SAME
Walter and Phillip walk through the stadium on their way out.
WALTER
Holy crap, I thought that dude would never shut up.
PHILLIP
He didn’t shut up. My voice hurts just from listening to him. I think I’m going to need to get some beer or something on the way home.
WALTER
Yeah, I can hit some of that with you. I think I’m more worn out than the players are. I can’t believe that guy.
PHILLIP
Yeah, I wonder what he is like when he’s away from football. Probably a nice, quiet dude who just goes to the football games to get it all out of him.
WALTER
Yeah, I bet he’s like a librarian or something.
They laugh.
CUT TO:
INT. GROCERY STORE - LATER
Walter and Phillip hold a 30-pack of beer and some chips as they walk toward the checkout counter of the grocery store. As they get closer, a loud, familiar voice echoes through the store. They round the corner and see The Fan at the checkout counter of a terrified looking CASHIER.
The cashier scans a package of Flintstones chewable vitamins.
FAN
A healthy dose of vitamin C in those there! A healthy dose! You know what I do with those things?
CASHIER
N-no.
FAN
I pop those things in my mouth for a HEALTHY dose of vitamin C. All day. All day baby. Vitamin C. That’s what it’s all about.
The cashier tries to scan an avocado. The UPC code is ripped so she must check the booklet for the code.
CASHIER
Hmm. The UPC’s not working.
FAN
Not working? You hear that Mr. Kumquat? That UPC does not respect you. No respect from the UPC. None whatsoever.
CASHIER
Umm, sir, this is an avocado.
The Fan gives her a blank look for an extended second. He then turns back to the avocado in her hand and starts yelling at it.
FAN
No respect for you Mr. Kumquat! Did you hear what she said? An avocado? You can’t put an avocado in the bag with the vitamin C. Ain’t nobody trying to make no guacamole ‘round here. No respect Mr. Kumquat! None. Gonna put my Flintstones vitamins next to you on the way home and we’re going to practice a zone defense, you hear me? I cannot believe the level of disrespect you have earned yourself from that UPC.
Walter and Phillip freeze in their tracks. Walter puts the beer down on the floor.
WALTER
I can’t do this.
Phillip puts his chips down.
PHILLIP
Me either.
They quickly walk out of the store to the fading sounds of The Fan talking to his groceries.
FAN
Two items in the bag. Two items! Got to get my healthy dose of vitamin C next to my good friend Mr. Kumquat and we are going to go home and respect each other. The UPC may not respect Mr. Kumquat but I sure as hell do. And the Flintstones vitamins respect the kumquat too. All day. All day baby. And all night. All day and all night.
THE END
EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - DAY
Two men in their late 20’s, PHILLIP and WALTER, take their seats in the upper deck of a football stadium. They are decked out in jerseys and hats supporting the home team.
PHILLIP(sarcastically)
Nice seats.
WALTER
Hey, they were free. Stop complaining.
The FAN comes up and sits in the seat directly behind them. He is a large, muscular black man in his late 40’s with thick glasses and a shaved head. When he speaks he has a deep, guttural voice reminiscent of an old blues man. He also sports the home team’s jersey. He leans down in between Phillip and Walter.
FAN
Hometown boys huh? Alright!
PHILLIP
Yep.
WALTER
Oh yeah.
FAN
We’re going to have a good game today. A GOOD game today! I can feel it.
PHILLIP
I hope so.
FAN
Hope? Boy you got to have faith! Faith I say!
He claps Walter on the back and leans back in his seat. Walter and Phillip exchange an “I hope it’s not going to be like this all game” glance.
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - SAME
The home team runs out onto the field. The crowd rises to its feet and begins cheering.
EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - SAME
Walter and Phillip are on their feet, clapping for the team. The Fan jumps up from his seat.
FAN
Those boys are looking good. Looking good! State better look out today, they gonna get a healthy dose of number 33 today. All day. Number 33! A healthy dose!
The Fan leans down between Phillip and Walter.
FAN (CONT'D)
You feel me?
WALTER
A healthy dose?
FAN
That’s right. A healthy dose of number 33. All day. All day. Number 33 gonna be up in that ass all day!
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - LATER
The teams line up and kickoff. The home team gets the ball and lines up for a play. Number 33 scores a touchdown on a long run on the first play from scrimmage.
EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - SAME
After the touchdown is scored all of the people in Walter and Phillip’s section are giving each other high fives and chest bumping one another.
FAN
What’d I tell you? All day. Number 33 up in that ass all day. Sweep right, number 33. Sweep left, number 33. Between the tackles, number 33. Up that ass, number 33. All day. ALL DAY! What’d I tell you? Up! In! That! Ass!
Walter and Phillip give each other a pained look.
PHILLIP
All day?
FAN
All day! What I tell you?
WALTER
All. Day.
FAN
That’s right. All day!
Walter rubs at his eyes as if trying to relieve a tension headache. He looks at the game clock. 14:45 left in the first quarter. He peeks back at The Fan and sees a one seat buffer in every direction from the Fan except for the seats Walter and Phillip are sitting in. The Fan continues CHEERING (ad lib) as a fan, CHUCK, in front of Phillip turns around.
CHUCK
Worst seats in the house.
PHILLIP
Excuse me?
CHUCK
You got the worst seats in the house. You didn’t pay for those, did you?
PHILLIP
No, my buddy gave them to me.
CHUCK
He must hate you. What did you do, sleep with his sister?
PHILLIP
No, he just said he couldn’t come this week.
CHUCK
That guy never comes. I see different people in those seats every week. That guy must have a lot of enemies.
WALTER
It’s not that bad is it? Does he calm down at all?
CHUCK
He is calm. Wait ‘til they go on defense.
WALTER
What, it gets worse?
Chuck laughs to himself and turns to face the game.
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - SAME
The teams line up and the home team kicks off to the visiting team. The visiting team lines up for a play.
EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - SAME
Walter looks at Phillip.
WALTER
How could it possibly get worse?
Phillip shrugs his shoulders. The Fan stands up behind them.
FAN
The I formation? Are you kidding me? They don’t respect you Mister Pendergast! They do not respect you!
WALTER(to Phillip)
Who is Mr. Pendergast?
Phillip shrugs his shoulders. Chuck turns around.
CHUCK
He’s the defensive coordinator. But his real name is Pendergrass. Not Pendergast. I don’t know where he came up with that one.
FAN
They do not respect you Mr. Pendergast! The I formation? That’s an insult to you, your momma and your hometown Mr. Pendergast! Don’t let them do that to you. You got to man up!
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - SAME
The visiting team runs a running play. It gains five or six yards.
EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - SAME
The Fan is going nuts in his seat.
FAN
Five yards! From the I formation? Mr. Pendergast you need to check your manhood at the door. You cannot let them do that to you. You cannot let them do that! You need 8 men in the box for that! 8 men in the box! All day baby, all day!
WALTER(to Phillip)
There’s no way he can keep this up all game.
CUT TO:
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - LATER
The clock shows 4:35 left in the 4th quarter. The home team is winning 47 to 6 and they have the ball.
EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - SAME
The entire section is empty except for Phillip, Walter and The Fan. The Fan has not lost one ounce of his venom as he yells at the game.
FAN
You know they were not looking for that number 33. A healthy dose of 33, that’s all you need. Take two number 33’s and call me in the morning. All day baby. All day. Mr. Pendergast, I hope you’re paying attention to this. That’s how you play. That, is, how, you, play, the, game!
He slaps Walter on the back.
FAN (CONT'D)
You can’t stop these boys! You cannot stop these boys! They run this. They control the game. You can’t control the game the way they do. No you can’t.
FADE OUT:
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - LATER
The clock hits 0:00 and the teams run off the field. The home team has won 54-6.
EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - SAME
Walter and Phillip get up to leave, they both look completely worn out. The Fan is still going strong.
FAN
Hell of a game boys. Hell of a game. A healthy dose of number 33. Eight men in the box. Mr. Pendergast finally got the respect that he was due. Hell of a game. Whooo!
WALTER
Yeah, hell of a game.
The Fan claps him on the back.
FAN
You take care now. Be good to yourself and your family. See you next week. Got a big game coming. Hell of a game. Got to get Mr. Pendergast the respect he deserves.
PHILLIP
Yes sir. We sure do. Catch you later.
FAN
Later boys.
Walter and Phillip leave the section.
INT. STADIUM CONCOURSE - SAME
Walter and Phillip walk through the stadium on their way out.
WALTER
Holy crap, I thought that dude would never shut up.
PHILLIP
He didn’t shut up. My voice hurts just from listening to him. I think I’m going to need to get some beer or something on the way home.
WALTER
Yeah, I can hit some of that with you. I think I’m more worn out than the players are. I can’t believe that guy.
PHILLIP
Yeah, I wonder what he is like when he’s away from football. Probably a nice, quiet dude who just goes to the football games to get it all out of him.
WALTER
Yeah, I bet he’s like a librarian or something.
They laugh.
CUT TO:
INT. GROCERY STORE - LATER
Walter and Phillip hold a 30-pack of beer and some chips as they walk toward the checkout counter of the grocery store. As they get closer, a loud, familiar voice echoes through the store. They round the corner and see The Fan at the checkout counter of a terrified looking CASHIER.
The cashier scans a package of Flintstones chewable vitamins.
FAN
A healthy dose of vitamin C in those there! A healthy dose! You know what I do with those things?
CASHIER
N-no.
FAN
I pop those things in my mouth for a HEALTHY dose of vitamin C. All day. All day baby. Vitamin C. That’s what it’s all about.
The cashier tries to scan an avocado. The UPC code is ripped so she must check the booklet for the code.
CASHIER
Hmm. The UPC’s not working.
FAN
Not working? You hear that Mr. Kumquat? That UPC does not respect you. No respect from the UPC. None whatsoever.
CASHIER
Umm, sir, this is an avocado.
The Fan gives her a blank look for an extended second. He then turns back to the avocado in her hand and starts yelling at it.
FAN
No respect for you Mr. Kumquat! Did you hear what she said? An avocado? You can’t put an avocado in the bag with the vitamin C. Ain’t nobody trying to make no guacamole ‘round here. No respect Mr. Kumquat! None. Gonna put my Flintstones vitamins next to you on the way home and we’re going to practice a zone defense, you hear me? I cannot believe the level of disrespect you have earned yourself from that UPC.
Walter and Phillip freeze in their tracks. Walter puts the beer down on the floor.
WALTER
I can’t do this.
Phillip puts his chips down.
PHILLIP
Me either.
They quickly walk out of the store to the fading sounds of The Fan talking to his groceries.
FAN
Two items in the bag. Two items! Got to get my healthy dose of vitamin C next to my good friend Mr. Kumquat and we are going to go home and respect each other. The UPC may not respect Mr. Kumquat but I sure as hell do. And the Flintstones vitamins respect the kumquat too. All day. All day baby. And all night. All day and all night.
THE END
Friday, November 7, 2008
The Forest And The Trees
The Forest and The Trees
Written by Patrick May and Ron Hooker, Jr.
Story by Ron Hooker, Jr.
Copyright 2008
FADE IN:
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
ARNOLD GREENSBURG, a twenty-something African-American man dressed in a power suit complete with a matching briefcase, bursts angrily through the front doors of the office building. He rips viciously at his tie to loosen it before turning back towards the building, shaking his fist.
ARNOLD
That’s not the last you’ll hear of me! That’s for sure! Not by a longshot.
He turns back and stomps away from the door. He grabs his tie again and wrestles with it, trying to get the knot undone. After a few seconds of unsuccessful fighting, he turns back toward the building.
ARNOLD (CONT'D)
This will not stand! Do you hear me? This, will, not, stand!
A PASSERBY dressed in a big puffy vest with matching Crocs shoes takes interest in the conversation Arnold is having with the building, cocking his head as if waiting for the building to answer.
ARNOLD (CONT'D)
You think you can stop me? You can’t! No way! No, way!
The passerby pulls a sandwich out of his vest and takes a bite. This is unplanned lunchtime entertainment for him.
ARNOLD (CONT'D)
They couldn’t stop me in school. They couldn’t stop me in my internship, and you damn well won’t stop me here! Do you hear?! Arnold Greensburg will not allow that to happen!
The passerby stops before taking another bit of his sandwich.
PASSERBY
Who’s Arnold Greensburg?
Arnold hears him.
ARNOLD
Who’s Arnold Greensburg? I’m Arnold Greensburg, that’s who.
Arnold turns back to the building.
ARNOLD (CONT'D)
And I won’t stand for it! Never have, never will!
PASSERBY
Your name is Arnold Greensburg?
ARNOLD
Yeah. You got a problem with that?
PASSERBY
No, it’s just your name. It doesn’t really . . . fit.
ARNOLD
What, a black man can’t be named Arnold?
PASSERBY
No, it’s just--
ARNOLD
You’ve never seen Diff’rent Strokes? You don’t think Gary Coleman deserved to be called Arnold? Let me tell you something, I have earned every letter of my name.
PASSERBY
It’s not Arnold. It’s Greensburg. It sounds very . . .
ARNOLD
What? Jewish?
PASSERBY
Yeah. Jewish.
ARNOLD
Oh, so you think just because I’m a black man I can’t be one of the chosen people?
PASSERBY
No, I--
ARNOLD
You think that just because I’m named after one of the characters in Diff’rent Strokes that I can’t celebrate Hanukkah? You think I don’t know the words to Dreidel and won’t spin one of those right in your face? I got 12 of those things a year for 10 years. You think I can’t spin one of those just because I’m a black man?
PASSERBY
No, I just thought--
ARNOLD
Thought what?
The passerby takes another bite of his sandwich. He gestures to the building.
PASSERBY
What did they do to you in there?
Arnold turns to the building, snarls at it then stomps away from the building and the passerby.
ARNOLD
What did they do? It’s not what they did, it’s what they didn’t do!
The passerby watches Arnold walk off. He stands for a couple of seconds, looking for new entertainment. Seeing none, he takes another bite of his sandwich and walks off.
INT. CAR - SAME
Arnold stomps to the car, flings the door open and hucks his briefcase into the back seat. He sits down heavily in the driver’s seat, puts a Bluetooth earpiece in his right ear, dials his phone, starts the car and pulls away aggressively.
ARNOLD(into the phone headset)
Hey, what are you doing? Meet me at the range, I need to vent.
EXT. DRIVING RANGE - AFTERNOON
Arnold has taken off his suit jacket and tie and has his sleeves rolled up. He is now wearing golf shoes. He lines up over a ball and belts it 300 yards down the driving range with perfect form. He doesn’t even take the time to admire his shot before teeing another ball up.
His friend WOODY, a white twenty-something walks up with his clubs slung across his back, admiring Arnold’s last shot.
WOODY
Nice shot.
ARNOLD
What? Oh. Yeah.
Arnold belts another 300 yard drive and tees up another ball without looking at it.
WOODY
So what’s going on? You okay?
Arnold pulls away from the ball and waggles the club menacingly in Woody’s face.
ARNOLD
You know what gets me? They won’t even give a guy a chance, you know. They won’t even give me a chance.
Arnold slams the club to the ground and rips at his throat as if trying to untie a tie.
WOODY
Dude, calm down, you’re not wearing a tie.
Woody picks up Arnold’s driver and hands it to him.
WOODY (CONT'D)
Here, take your club back. What happened?
Arnold snatches the club from Woody, walks over to his ball and rips another 300-yarder down the range.
ARNOLD
They wouldn’t even give me a chance. Said I didn’t have enough experience. How the hell am I supposed to get experience if they won’t hire me?
WOODY
I don’t know dude.
ARNOLD
I managed a restaurant for 2 years, you know? It’s not like I have no experience at EVERYTHING. Nobody can change a tire like I can. I know how to make an Excel spreadsheet. I can juggle. Have you ever played Cranium with me?
WOODY
Several times.
ARNOLD
Several times, you’re right. And you know what?
Arnold rips another long drive straight down the range.
ARNOLD (CONT'D)
I RULE at Cranium! I kick ass at that game.
WOODY
Yeah you do.
ARNOLD
But did I rule the first time I played it? No. It took practice, experience. Did I open up the game to play it the first time and see a sign in the box that said “You can’t play this game if you haven’t played before?”
WOODY
I don’t think so.
ARNOLD
No! Hell no! What kind of business sense would that make? I learned that game as I went along, just like everyone else. No one told me I couldn’t play because I didn’t have experience playing it.
Arnold slams his driver into the bag and grabs a pitching wedge. He slaps a shot right at the 125-yard flag, the ball bounces once and hits the flag on the range.
WOODY
Yeah dude, how does anyone get experience doing anything?
ARNOLD
Exactly! That’s exactly what I told them. But they wouldn’t listen to me. Idiots. Bunch of stupid dumb idiot jackasses.
Arnold hits another ball that hits the flag on the fly.
WOODY
Hey, you want me to see if we can get on the course and play a round? Get your mind off your worries.
ARNOLD
Sure, it’s not like I have a job to go to instead.
Woody walks toward the clubhouse. Arnold continues to hit shot after shot at the flag. The voice of the STARTER comes over the loudspeaker.
STARTER
Greensburg two to the first tee.
ARNOLD
Sweet, he got us on.
CUT TO:
EXT. GOLF COURSE TEE BOX - AFTERNOON
Arnold rails a drive long and straight down the fairway. Woody chunks his shot and the divot goes further than the ball.
WOODY
Man, I wish I could hit like you do.
ARNOLD
Just practice, man. Practice. Experience. Just gotta get your foot in the door and go from there. That’s all.
EXT. GOLF COURSE GREEN - AFTERNOON
Arnold drains a putt from 30 feet.
WOODY
Nice birdie.
Arnold pays no attention.
ARNOLD
All I need is a shot, you know. Just one shot and I will make the most of it. The thing is, I can learn on the job, just like everyone does . . .
EXT. GOLF COURSE BUNKER - AFTERNOON
Arnold hits a shot out of the greenside bunker that ends up less than a foot from the hole.
ARNOLD
I mean, who doesn’t want the opportunity to learn something new. Have I ever told you now long it took me to learn to tie a tie?
WOODY
Nice shot, dude.
ARNOLD
Like three tries. And I’m talking Windsor AND Half Windsor knots. Three tries. For both of them. I don’t play when it comes to stuff like that. You know what else--
CUT TO:EXT. GOLF COURSE VARIOUS - AFTERNOON
Arnold makes several great golf shots, all in between times of animatedly talking to Woody.
EXT. GOLF COURSE PAR 3 OVER WATER - AFTERNOON
Arnold hits his shot within 6 feet of the pin.
ARNOLD
Maybe sometime you can come over to my place and I will bake you up a stromboli. You think I got that one on the first try?
WOODY
Yep.
Woody hits his tee shot into the water. He walks dejectedly back to the cart with Arnold.
ARNOLD
You’re damn right I got that on the first try. One try, one stromboli. That’s how I do it. No experience necessary. None. That’s not to say my second stromboli wasn’t even better than the first, because it was, but my first one was still tasty as a motha’, you know?
WOODY
I know.
They put their clubs in their bags and Woody drives toward the green.
ARNOLD
Yeah, you know. I know you know. And my third one was EVEN BETTER. Just kept getting better and better the more I made. Soon, I didn’t even want to make strombolis anymore because I was just too tired of the deliciousness involved. So I switched to making Navajo tacos.
WOODY
Navajo tacos? Really?
Woody parks the cart next to the green. Arnold grabs his putter, Woody grabs his putter, his pitching wedge and another ball.
ARNOLD
You’re damn right, Navajo tacos. How many tries you think that one took?
WOODY
One?
Woody drops his ball in the drop zone and lines up over it.
ARNOLD
Two. I burned the shit out of the first ones. Never worked with hot grease like that before. But the second batch was good as hell. I’ll make you some sometime.
WOODY
Sounds good.
Woody chunks a shot that barely makes it to the green. He tosses his club and grabs his putter.
ARNOLD
Good? C’est magnifique, you know what I’m saying.
WOODY
What was that, French?
ARNOLD
Yeah that was French. Guess how many French classes I’ve taken?
WOODY
Two?
Arnold reads his line and lines up over his putt. Woody takes two strokes to drain his putt.
ARNOLD
None! I learned that from watching a Disney movie when I was like seven years old. I learned French from a cartoon and they’re saying I’m not good enough to run their stupid bowling alley because I don’t have EXPERIENCE. Seriously, I hate them. Hate, hate, hate them.
Arnold drains his putt, walks off the green with Woody and gets in the cart. Woody drives to the parking lot.
ARNOLD (CONT'D)
What hole are we on?
WOODY
We’re done. That was 18.
ARNOLD
18? Really? It didn’t feel like it.
WOODY
Yeah, I was hoping it would get your mind off the job interview. All it turned out to do was keep your mind off the game.
ARNOLD
How’d you do? What’d you shoot?
WOODY
98.
ARNOLD
98, nice. Good round Woody. You’re totally getting better. What did I shoot today?
WOODY
64. Two off your best here and only 3 off the course record.
ARNOLD
Really? Damn. Shoulda paid more attention, I guess.
WOODY
Might have helped.
Woody pulls up to Arnold’s car and they both get out and start putting their clubs away in their cars.
ARNOLD
Well, thanks for letting me vent to you today buddy. I appreciate it.
WOODY
No problem, dude. Someday you’ll figure out your calling. There’s a great career out there somewhere for you.
ARNOLD
Man I hope so. I just wish I knew where to look, you know?
WOODY
You’ll find it. Keep your chin up.
ARNOLD
Later bro. I’m going home to check the job boards.
They shake hands, get in their cars and drive away.
THE END
Written by Patrick May and Ron Hooker, Jr.
Story by Ron Hooker, Jr.
Copyright 2008
FADE IN:
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
ARNOLD GREENSBURG, a twenty-something African-American man dressed in a power suit complete with a matching briefcase, bursts angrily through the front doors of the office building. He rips viciously at his tie to loosen it before turning back towards the building, shaking his fist.
ARNOLD
That’s not the last you’ll hear of me! That’s for sure! Not by a longshot.
He turns back and stomps away from the door. He grabs his tie again and wrestles with it, trying to get the knot undone. After a few seconds of unsuccessful fighting, he turns back toward the building.
ARNOLD (CONT'D)
This will not stand! Do you hear me? This, will, not, stand!
A PASSERBY dressed in a big puffy vest with matching Crocs shoes takes interest in the conversation Arnold is having with the building, cocking his head as if waiting for the building to answer.
ARNOLD (CONT'D)
You think you can stop me? You can’t! No way! No, way!
The passerby pulls a sandwich out of his vest and takes a bite. This is unplanned lunchtime entertainment for him.
ARNOLD (CONT'D)
They couldn’t stop me in school. They couldn’t stop me in my internship, and you damn well won’t stop me here! Do you hear?! Arnold Greensburg will not allow that to happen!
The passerby stops before taking another bit of his sandwich.
PASSERBY
Who’s Arnold Greensburg?
Arnold hears him.
ARNOLD
Who’s Arnold Greensburg? I’m Arnold Greensburg, that’s who.
Arnold turns back to the building.
ARNOLD (CONT'D)
And I won’t stand for it! Never have, never will!
PASSERBY
Your name is Arnold Greensburg?
ARNOLD
Yeah. You got a problem with that?
PASSERBY
No, it’s just your name. It doesn’t really . . . fit.
ARNOLD
What, a black man can’t be named Arnold?
PASSERBY
No, it’s just--
ARNOLD
You’ve never seen Diff’rent Strokes? You don’t think Gary Coleman deserved to be called Arnold? Let me tell you something, I have earned every letter of my name.
PASSERBY
It’s not Arnold. It’s Greensburg. It sounds very . . .
ARNOLD
What? Jewish?
PASSERBY
Yeah. Jewish.
ARNOLD
Oh, so you think just because I’m a black man I can’t be one of the chosen people?
PASSERBY
No, I--
ARNOLD
You think that just because I’m named after one of the characters in Diff’rent Strokes that I can’t celebrate Hanukkah? You think I don’t know the words to Dreidel and won’t spin one of those right in your face? I got 12 of those things a year for 10 years. You think I can’t spin one of those just because I’m a black man?
PASSERBY
No, I just thought--
ARNOLD
Thought what?
The passerby takes another bite of his sandwich. He gestures to the building.
PASSERBY
What did they do to you in there?
Arnold turns to the building, snarls at it then stomps away from the building and the passerby.
ARNOLD
What did they do? It’s not what they did, it’s what they didn’t do!
The passerby watches Arnold walk off. He stands for a couple of seconds, looking for new entertainment. Seeing none, he takes another bite of his sandwich and walks off.
INT. CAR - SAME
Arnold stomps to the car, flings the door open and hucks his briefcase into the back seat. He sits down heavily in the driver’s seat, puts a Bluetooth earpiece in his right ear, dials his phone, starts the car and pulls away aggressively.
ARNOLD(into the phone headset)
Hey, what are you doing? Meet me at the range, I need to vent.
EXT. DRIVING RANGE - AFTERNOON
Arnold has taken off his suit jacket and tie and has his sleeves rolled up. He is now wearing golf shoes. He lines up over a ball and belts it 300 yards down the driving range with perfect form. He doesn’t even take the time to admire his shot before teeing another ball up.
His friend WOODY, a white twenty-something walks up with his clubs slung across his back, admiring Arnold’s last shot.
WOODY
Nice shot.
ARNOLD
What? Oh. Yeah.
Arnold belts another 300 yard drive and tees up another ball without looking at it.
WOODY
So what’s going on? You okay?
Arnold pulls away from the ball and waggles the club menacingly in Woody’s face.
ARNOLD
You know what gets me? They won’t even give a guy a chance, you know. They won’t even give me a chance.
Arnold slams the club to the ground and rips at his throat as if trying to untie a tie.
WOODY
Dude, calm down, you’re not wearing a tie.
Woody picks up Arnold’s driver and hands it to him.
WOODY (CONT'D)
Here, take your club back. What happened?
Arnold snatches the club from Woody, walks over to his ball and rips another 300-yarder down the range.
ARNOLD
They wouldn’t even give me a chance. Said I didn’t have enough experience. How the hell am I supposed to get experience if they won’t hire me?
WOODY
I don’t know dude.
ARNOLD
I managed a restaurant for 2 years, you know? It’s not like I have no experience at EVERYTHING. Nobody can change a tire like I can. I know how to make an Excel spreadsheet. I can juggle. Have you ever played Cranium with me?
WOODY
Several times.
ARNOLD
Several times, you’re right. And you know what?
Arnold rips another long drive straight down the range.
ARNOLD (CONT'D)
I RULE at Cranium! I kick ass at that game.
WOODY
Yeah you do.
ARNOLD
But did I rule the first time I played it? No. It took practice, experience. Did I open up the game to play it the first time and see a sign in the box that said “You can’t play this game if you haven’t played before?”
WOODY
I don’t think so.
ARNOLD
No! Hell no! What kind of business sense would that make? I learned that game as I went along, just like everyone else. No one told me I couldn’t play because I didn’t have experience playing it.
Arnold slams his driver into the bag and grabs a pitching wedge. He slaps a shot right at the 125-yard flag, the ball bounces once and hits the flag on the range.
WOODY
Yeah dude, how does anyone get experience doing anything?
ARNOLD
Exactly! That’s exactly what I told them. But they wouldn’t listen to me. Idiots. Bunch of stupid dumb idiot jackasses.
Arnold hits another ball that hits the flag on the fly.
WOODY
Hey, you want me to see if we can get on the course and play a round? Get your mind off your worries.
ARNOLD
Sure, it’s not like I have a job to go to instead.
Woody walks toward the clubhouse. Arnold continues to hit shot after shot at the flag. The voice of the STARTER comes over the loudspeaker.
STARTER
Greensburg two to the first tee.
ARNOLD
Sweet, he got us on.
CUT TO:
EXT. GOLF COURSE TEE BOX - AFTERNOON
Arnold rails a drive long and straight down the fairway. Woody chunks his shot and the divot goes further than the ball.
WOODY
Man, I wish I could hit like you do.
ARNOLD
Just practice, man. Practice. Experience. Just gotta get your foot in the door and go from there. That’s all.
EXT. GOLF COURSE GREEN - AFTERNOON
Arnold drains a putt from 30 feet.
WOODY
Nice birdie.
Arnold pays no attention.
ARNOLD
All I need is a shot, you know. Just one shot and I will make the most of it. The thing is, I can learn on the job, just like everyone does . . .
EXT. GOLF COURSE BUNKER - AFTERNOON
Arnold hits a shot out of the greenside bunker that ends up less than a foot from the hole.
ARNOLD
I mean, who doesn’t want the opportunity to learn something new. Have I ever told you now long it took me to learn to tie a tie?
WOODY
Nice shot, dude.
ARNOLD
Like three tries. And I’m talking Windsor AND Half Windsor knots. Three tries. For both of them. I don’t play when it comes to stuff like that. You know what else--
CUT TO:EXT. GOLF COURSE VARIOUS - AFTERNOON
Arnold makes several great golf shots, all in between times of animatedly talking to Woody.
EXT. GOLF COURSE PAR 3 OVER WATER - AFTERNOON
Arnold hits his shot within 6 feet of the pin.
ARNOLD
Maybe sometime you can come over to my place and I will bake you up a stromboli. You think I got that one on the first try?
WOODY
Yep.
Woody hits his tee shot into the water. He walks dejectedly back to the cart with Arnold.
ARNOLD
You’re damn right I got that on the first try. One try, one stromboli. That’s how I do it. No experience necessary. None. That’s not to say my second stromboli wasn’t even better than the first, because it was, but my first one was still tasty as a motha’, you know?
WOODY
I know.
They put their clubs in their bags and Woody drives toward the green.
ARNOLD
Yeah, you know. I know you know. And my third one was EVEN BETTER. Just kept getting better and better the more I made. Soon, I didn’t even want to make strombolis anymore because I was just too tired of the deliciousness involved. So I switched to making Navajo tacos.
WOODY
Navajo tacos? Really?
Woody parks the cart next to the green. Arnold grabs his putter, Woody grabs his putter, his pitching wedge and another ball.
ARNOLD
You’re damn right, Navajo tacos. How many tries you think that one took?
WOODY
One?
Woody drops his ball in the drop zone and lines up over it.
ARNOLD
Two. I burned the shit out of the first ones. Never worked with hot grease like that before. But the second batch was good as hell. I’ll make you some sometime.
WOODY
Sounds good.
Woody chunks a shot that barely makes it to the green. He tosses his club and grabs his putter.
ARNOLD
Good? C’est magnifique, you know what I’m saying.
WOODY
What was that, French?
ARNOLD
Yeah that was French. Guess how many French classes I’ve taken?
WOODY
Two?
Arnold reads his line and lines up over his putt. Woody takes two strokes to drain his putt.
ARNOLD
None! I learned that from watching a Disney movie when I was like seven years old. I learned French from a cartoon and they’re saying I’m not good enough to run their stupid bowling alley because I don’t have EXPERIENCE. Seriously, I hate them. Hate, hate, hate them.
Arnold drains his putt, walks off the green with Woody and gets in the cart. Woody drives to the parking lot.
ARNOLD (CONT'D)
What hole are we on?
WOODY
We’re done. That was 18.
ARNOLD
18? Really? It didn’t feel like it.
WOODY
Yeah, I was hoping it would get your mind off the job interview. All it turned out to do was keep your mind off the game.
ARNOLD
How’d you do? What’d you shoot?
WOODY
98.
ARNOLD
98, nice. Good round Woody. You’re totally getting better. What did I shoot today?
WOODY
64. Two off your best here and only 3 off the course record.
ARNOLD
Really? Damn. Shoulda paid more attention, I guess.
WOODY
Might have helped.
Woody pulls up to Arnold’s car and they both get out and start putting their clubs away in their cars.
ARNOLD
Well, thanks for letting me vent to you today buddy. I appreciate it.
WOODY
No problem, dude. Someday you’ll figure out your calling. There’s a great career out there somewhere for you.
ARNOLD
Man I hope so. I just wish I knew where to look, you know?
WOODY
You’ll find it. Keep your chin up.
ARNOLD
Later bro. I’m going home to check the job boards.
They shake hands, get in their cars and drive away.
THE END
Friday, October 3, 2008
"The Office" Spec Script Cold Open
This is the "cold open" for my new spec script for The Office (NBC, Thursday nights). This is the part that usually runs right before the opening credits.
COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
INT. THE OFFICE - PAM’S DESK AND FRONT DOOR - DAY
PAM sits at her desk, typing. MICHAEL walks in the door, takes two steps and stops, presenting himself to her. He is up to his ears with beaded necklaces. He looks at Pam and giggles.
PAM
Hi Michael. I like your necklaces.
MICHAEL
I bet you do. Well if you want one, you’re going to have to earn it.
She looks over at JIM, who was has the phone receiver in his hand getting ready to make a call. Once he sees Michael he aborts the phone call.
JIM
What did you do last night Michael?
MICHAEL
Wouldn’t you like to know?
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
Michael in his office.
MICHAEL
I saw a DVD last night. Got it accidentally from Netflix. I ordered season one of The Gilmore Girls, instead I got this other one. Girls Gone--crazy, something. Anyway, you would not believe what some girls will do for beads. Beads! I think today is going to be a good day.
JIM TALKING HEAD
JIM
The Gilmore Girls. The Gil-more Girls.
INT. THE OFFICE - PAM’S DESK AND FRONT DOOR - D1
MICHAEL tugs on one of his beaded necklaces.
MICHAEL
Pam, you ready to earn one of these things?
PAM is appalled.
PAM
No Michael, I’m not.
MICHAEL
Are you sure? Because I really want to give you one.
Michael turns to JIM and throws him a necklace.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Think fast!
JIM
What’s this for?
MICHAEL
For prior services rendered. Basketball. Shirts and skins. You were a skin. And I thank you.
Pam and Jim exchange looks that say “Wow.” Michael walks over to MEREDITH’S desk. DWIGHT perks up at his desk. Meredith sighs and continues doing her work.
DWIGHT
Michael, what are you doing? Meredith, do not take your shirt off.
He places a necklace over her head. She looks up.
MICHAEL
(under his breath)
I’ve got pictures.
MEREDITH TALKING HEAD
MEREDITH
I have a lot of those necklaces already. I use them for Christmas decorations. My tree collapsed last year.
INT. THE OFFICE - ACCOUNTING AREA -MOMENTS LATER - D1
Michael approaches ANGELA’S desk. Angela writes ferociously on a balance sheet. KEVIN, wide-eyed with anticipation, stands up to look over the divider at Angela. OSCAR leans back and crosses his arms.
MICHAEL
Angela, I would like you to--
ANGELA
No Michael.
MICHAEL
(whispering)
Angela. The human body is a beautiful, wonderful--
ANGELA
No!
Kevin is crushed. Michael turns to PHYLLIS and STANLEY. DWIGHT jumps up from his desk.
DWIGHT
Michael, I want one.
Dwight begins to unbutton his shirt.
MICHAEL
(scolding)
No Dwight! No! These are for women only.
DWIGHT
But Jim got one.
MICHAEL
Jim is different. Than you.
DWIGHT
What about Phyllis? Does she get one? Please say no.
Michael takes off one of the necklaces and weighs it in his hand, looking at Phyllis and Stanley, debating. Phyllis is terrified of what could happen next.
MICHAEL
Blech. No. No. No.
(turns to Dwight)
Dwight, put your shirt back on. Okay, take one. Saw a nipple.
Michael throws a necklace to Dwight, who catches it and raises a hand in victory.
DWIGHT
YESSS!
ANDY has his shirt off at his desk.
ANDY
Hit me, Michael. Hit me.
INT. PHYLLIS’ BEDROOM - DAY
Phyllis opens a drawer in her dresser. It is filled to the top with beaded necklaces. She pulls out a photo of herself at a much younger age on Bourbon Street. Parts of the photo are blurred out.
PHYLLIS
I got all these in New Orleans on spring break in ‘88. That was a fun night.
(looks at full drawer)
Bob Vance calls me a pack rat.
She looks at the picture of herself.
PHYLLIS (CONT'D)
I was a hottie.
INT. THE OFFICE - PAM’S DESK AND FRONT DOOR - D1
MICHAEL stands in the doorway to his office.
MICHAEL
Pam, last chance. Free beads?
PAM
No Michael.
MICHAEL
Well fine Pam. Deprive us all. Thanks for being a team player.
JIM
She can just borrow mine if she needs to.
MICHAEL
(conflict happily resolved)
Oh, well, that works. Here, take one more. In case you need a backup. Can’t be too careful.
Michael hands Jim an extra necklace and goes into his office.
END OF COLD OPEN
COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
INT. THE OFFICE - PAM’S DESK AND FRONT DOOR - DAY
PAM sits at her desk, typing. MICHAEL walks in the door, takes two steps and stops, presenting himself to her. He is up to his ears with beaded necklaces. He looks at Pam and giggles.
PAM
Hi Michael. I like your necklaces.
MICHAEL
I bet you do. Well if you want one, you’re going to have to earn it.
She looks over at JIM, who was has the phone receiver in his hand getting ready to make a call. Once he sees Michael he aborts the phone call.
JIM
What did you do last night Michael?
MICHAEL
Wouldn’t you like to know?
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
Michael in his office.
MICHAEL
I saw a DVD last night. Got it accidentally from Netflix. I ordered season one of The Gilmore Girls, instead I got this other one. Girls Gone--crazy, something. Anyway, you would not believe what some girls will do for beads. Beads! I think today is going to be a good day.
JIM TALKING HEAD
JIM
The Gilmore Girls. The Gil-more Girls.
INT. THE OFFICE - PAM’S DESK AND FRONT DOOR - D1
MICHAEL tugs on one of his beaded necklaces.
MICHAEL
Pam, you ready to earn one of these things?
PAM is appalled.
PAM
No Michael, I’m not.
MICHAEL
Are you sure? Because I really want to give you one.
Michael turns to JIM and throws him a necklace.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Think fast!
JIM
What’s this for?
MICHAEL
For prior services rendered. Basketball. Shirts and skins. You were a skin. And I thank you.
Pam and Jim exchange looks that say “Wow.” Michael walks over to MEREDITH’S desk. DWIGHT perks up at his desk. Meredith sighs and continues doing her work.
DWIGHT
Michael, what are you doing? Meredith, do not take your shirt off.
He places a necklace over her head. She looks up.
MICHAEL
(under his breath)
I’ve got pictures.
MEREDITH TALKING HEAD
MEREDITH
I have a lot of those necklaces already. I use them for Christmas decorations. My tree collapsed last year.
INT. THE OFFICE - ACCOUNTING AREA -MOMENTS LATER - D1
Michael approaches ANGELA’S desk. Angela writes ferociously on a balance sheet. KEVIN, wide-eyed with anticipation, stands up to look over the divider at Angela. OSCAR leans back and crosses his arms.
MICHAEL
Angela, I would like you to--
ANGELA
No Michael.
MICHAEL
(whispering)
Angela. The human body is a beautiful, wonderful--
ANGELA
No!
Kevin is crushed. Michael turns to PHYLLIS and STANLEY. DWIGHT jumps up from his desk.
DWIGHT
Michael, I want one.
Dwight begins to unbutton his shirt.
MICHAEL
(scolding)
No Dwight! No! These are for women only.
DWIGHT
But Jim got one.
MICHAEL
Jim is different. Than you.
DWIGHT
What about Phyllis? Does she get one? Please say no.
Michael takes off one of the necklaces and weighs it in his hand, looking at Phyllis and Stanley, debating. Phyllis is terrified of what could happen next.
MICHAEL
Blech. No. No. No.
(turns to Dwight)
Dwight, put your shirt back on. Okay, take one. Saw a nipple.
Michael throws a necklace to Dwight, who catches it and raises a hand in victory.
DWIGHT
YESSS!
ANDY has his shirt off at his desk.
ANDY
Hit me, Michael. Hit me.
INT. PHYLLIS’ BEDROOM - DAY
Phyllis opens a drawer in her dresser. It is filled to the top with beaded necklaces. She pulls out a photo of herself at a much younger age on Bourbon Street. Parts of the photo are blurred out.
PHYLLIS
I got all these in New Orleans on spring break in ‘88. That was a fun night.
(looks at full drawer)
Bob Vance calls me a pack rat.
She looks at the picture of herself.
PHYLLIS (CONT'D)
I was a hottie.
INT. THE OFFICE - PAM’S DESK AND FRONT DOOR - D1
MICHAEL stands in the doorway to his office.
MICHAEL
Pam, last chance. Free beads?
PAM
No Michael.
MICHAEL
Well fine Pam. Deprive us all. Thanks for being a team player.
JIM
She can just borrow mine if she needs to.
MICHAEL
(conflict happily resolved)
Oh, well, that works. Here, take one more. In case you need a backup. Can’t be too careful.
Michael hands Jim an extra necklace and goes into his office.
END OF COLD OPEN
Thursday, October 2, 2008
The Claymores Part 13
INT. SACRAMENTO CONVENTION CENTER DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT
Charlie and Carmen wheel the trunk into the corner of the room. Brock, Ezekiel and Karol all stand, waiting to see what’s in the trunk.
CHARLIE
You guys ready?
Charlie opens the trunk and pulls out a costume consisting of a traditional old world Scottish military dress uniform, complete with kilt and beret. Charlie loves it.
CHARLIE (CONT'D)
Eh? You like?
The others sit stone faced.
BROCK
What the hell is that?
CHARLIE
It’s our costume for the competition.
BROCK
Why?
CHARLIE
Because we have to dress alike. It’s part of the whole schtick of the show.
BROCK
Schtick? I don’t think we need a schtick.
CHARLIE
Look, it’s just a uniform, so we’re all dressed the same onstage.
KAROL
What are the swords for?
CHARLIE
Part of the costume. Scottish Claymores.
KAROL
Yeah, but . . . swords?
CHARLIE
We’re not going to use them. I just thought they looked cool.
EZEKIEL
Charlie, I’m not wearing that. Especially that skirt thing.
CHARLIE
That skirt thing is a kilt.
EZEKIEL
That skirt thing is a skirt, and I’m not wearing it.
CHARLIE
Guys, please. Just try them on. If you don’t like them, we won’t ever wear them again, okay?
EZEKIEL
Why would we ever wear them again anyway?
CHARLIE
Because we need them to get into the finals. We need to really nail this show. Like REALLY nail this show.
KAROL
Fine, you go first.
CHARLIE
What do you mean?
KAROL
I mean you go get dressed first and we’ll see what it looks like. If it isn’t totally ridiculous, I’ll think about it.
CHARLIE
All of you?
They look at each other and nod.
CHARLIE (CONT'D)
You’re on.
Charlie runs into the bathroom adjacent to the dressing room.
INT. SACRAMENTO CONVENTION CENTER DRESSING ROOM - LATER
Charlie walks tentatively out of the bathroom, dressed to the hilt in traditional Scottish garb. Kilt, sporran, beret, long socks, jacket and tie, claymore strapped to his side, the whole package. Carmen wolf whistles.
CARMEN
Nice.
Charlie does a quick dance step and ends with a flourish.
CHARLIE
Not bad, eh?
Karol gets up to take a closer look.
KAROL
Not bad. Not bad.
(to Brock and Ezekiel)
What do you think?
Deep thought.
BROCK
I can rock that.
EZEKIEL
Me too. Not as bad as I thought it would look.
There is a KNOCK at the door. A PAGE opens the door and sticks his head into the room.
PAGE
Claymores, this is your 30 minute call.
CHARLIE
Thanks.
The page leaves.
CARMEN
Game time fellas. Hurry and get dressed and let’s run the routine one last time before we hit it.
INT. SACRAMENTO CONVENTION CENTER AUDITORIUM - NIGHT
A barbershop quartet dressed in standard gear of black pants and striped shirts with suspenders leaves the stage. Anne walks onto the stage from the other side and takes the microphone.
ANNE
Let’s hear it for Sactown Synchrony. Give those guys a round of applause. And now, last but certainly not least, we have a group coming out of Las Vegas, The Claymores!
The lights dim.
INT. BACKSTAGE - NIGHT
Charlie, Brock, Ezekiel and Karol stand on the side of the stage, frozen with stage fright.
EZEKIEL
They’re going to know, man, they’re going to know.
BROCK
Know what?
EZEKIEL
We’re not wearing underwear, man! Who does that? Who goes onstage with a dress on and no underwear?
CHARLIE
It’s not a dress, it’s a KILT.
EZEKIEL
You got any underwear on?
CHARLIE
Well, no.
KAROL
So we’re freeballing in front of all these people. That’s not right. It’s not right to freeball in front of grandmothers. There are grandmothers out there!
BROCK
I freeball all the time, what’s the big deal?
EZEKIEL
You gonna freeball in front of Nana?
BROCK
It’s not like she’s never seen balls before. She was married to Poppy for like 50 years, she did have kids. I’m sure she juggled some balls in her lifetime.
EZEKIEL
Okay now you’re crossing the line. You are CROSSING THE LINE! My Nana did not juggle Poppy’s balls!
INT. SACRAMENTO CONVENTION CENTER AUDITORIUM - SAME
“My Nana did not juggle Poppy’s balls!” resonates through the silent crowd. Shocked faces abound, with a few sultry looks from some grandmothers in the audience.
INT. BACKSTAGE - SAME
Ezekiel has Brock by the lapel, threatening to choke him while Charlie and Karol try to separate them. The page comes up behind them.
PAGE
Claymores. You’re on! Go!
Ezekiel releases Brock. Karol smooths out Brock’s outfit.
ANNE(O.S.)
Ladies and gentlemen, The Claymores!
PAGEGo! Go! Go!
The four of them take a deep breath, and then--
INT. SACRAMENTO CONVENTION CENTER AUDITORIUM - SAME
A barking military cadence from O.S. Charlie leads The Claymores on stage in a military-style jogging cadence, followed by Karol, then Brock and Ezekiel in the same cadence. They stop with several feet between them, covering the entire stage.
Charlie draws his sword. The others follow suit. They break into a rendition of “Citizen Soldier” made popular by the band 3 Doors Down. During the singing of the song, they engage in a very complex set of choreography involving the swords. They sound pretty good. The choreography is good, the boys stumble a few times, but the overall performance is very entertaining.
When they finish, the crowd sits stunned for a beat. Then, a STANDING OVATION. The Claymores run giddily off the stage.
INT. BACKSTAGE - SAME
The Claymores give each other high fives and celebrate their performance. Carmen gives each one a hug.
ANNE(O.S.)Well, that didn’t take long. Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like the judges have made a decision. The winner of this year’s West Coast Barbershop Quartet competition, moving on to the national finals in two weeks in Las Vegas, Nevada, is . . . The Claymores!
The audience erupts. The Claymores are dumbfounded.
CHARLIEWe won?
CARMEN
Get out there! Go!
KAROL
We won!
They run, jubilantly back onto the stage.
INT. SACRAMENTO CONVENTION CENTER PERFORMANCE STAGE - SAME
Anne holds out a trophy to The Claymores as they run to the center of the stage. Brock and Ezekiel try to elbow each other out of the way to accept the trophy. Karol outmaneuvers both of them to take it from Anne. Charlie grabs the microphone.
CHARLIE
You like us! You really, really like us!
Movement in the audience catches Charlie’s eye. A couple in middle aisle seats gets up and hurriedly runs from the theater. It is Tabitha and Darwin DeCloud.
CHARLIE (CONT'D)
Hey, is that Tabi--?
He drops the microphone, runs and jumps off the front of the stage. Unfortunately, there is an orchestra pit and Charlie tumbles from sight with a great CRASH.
KAROL
Where the hell did Charlie go?
He looks over the edge, Charlie is tangled in a heap of chairs on his back at the bottom of the orchestra pit.
KAROL (CONT'D)
What are you doing?
CHARLIE
Go catch that girl. That’s Shamus’ girlfriend.
KAROL
What girl?
CHARLIE
The one leaving down the center aisle with that guy. Hurry!
Karol turns for a second and quickly talks to Brock and Ezekiel. He turns and leaps easily over the orchestra pit, chasing Tabitha.
CUT TO:
INT. ORCHESTRA PIT - SAME
Charlie looks up as Karol sails over the orchestra pit, sans underwear.
CHARLIE Could’ve done without that visual.
Charlie extricates himself from the chairs and climbs out of the orchestra pit.
Charlie and Carmen wheel the trunk into the corner of the room. Brock, Ezekiel and Karol all stand, waiting to see what’s in the trunk.
CHARLIE
You guys ready?
Charlie opens the trunk and pulls out a costume consisting of a traditional old world Scottish military dress uniform, complete with kilt and beret. Charlie loves it.
CHARLIE (CONT'D)
Eh? You like?
The others sit stone faced.
BROCK
What the hell is that?
CHARLIE
It’s our costume for the competition.
BROCK
Why?
CHARLIE
Because we have to dress alike. It’s part of the whole schtick of the show.
BROCK
Schtick? I don’t think we need a schtick.
CHARLIE
Look, it’s just a uniform, so we’re all dressed the same onstage.
KAROL
What are the swords for?
CHARLIE
Part of the costume. Scottish Claymores.
KAROL
Yeah, but . . . swords?
CHARLIE
We’re not going to use them. I just thought they looked cool.
EZEKIEL
Charlie, I’m not wearing that. Especially that skirt thing.
CHARLIE
That skirt thing is a kilt.
EZEKIEL
That skirt thing is a skirt, and I’m not wearing it.
CHARLIE
Guys, please. Just try them on. If you don’t like them, we won’t ever wear them again, okay?
EZEKIEL
Why would we ever wear them again anyway?
CHARLIE
Because we need them to get into the finals. We need to really nail this show. Like REALLY nail this show.
KAROL
Fine, you go first.
CHARLIE
What do you mean?
KAROL
I mean you go get dressed first and we’ll see what it looks like. If it isn’t totally ridiculous, I’ll think about it.
CHARLIE
All of you?
They look at each other and nod.
CHARLIE (CONT'D)
You’re on.
Charlie runs into the bathroom adjacent to the dressing room.
INT. SACRAMENTO CONVENTION CENTER DRESSING ROOM - LATER
Charlie walks tentatively out of the bathroom, dressed to the hilt in traditional Scottish garb. Kilt, sporran, beret, long socks, jacket and tie, claymore strapped to his side, the whole package. Carmen wolf whistles.
CARMEN
Nice.
Charlie does a quick dance step and ends with a flourish.
CHARLIE
Not bad, eh?
Karol gets up to take a closer look.
KAROL
Not bad. Not bad.
(to Brock and Ezekiel)
What do you think?
Deep thought.
BROCK
I can rock that.
EZEKIEL
Me too. Not as bad as I thought it would look.
There is a KNOCK at the door. A PAGE opens the door and sticks his head into the room.
PAGE
Claymores, this is your 30 minute call.
CHARLIE
Thanks.
The page leaves.
CARMEN
Game time fellas. Hurry and get dressed and let’s run the routine one last time before we hit it.
INT. SACRAMENTO CONVENTION CENTER AUDITORIUM - NIGHT
A barbershop quartet dressed in standard gear of black pants and striped shirts with suspenders leaves the stage. Anne walks onto the stage from the other side and takes the microphone.
ANNE
Let’s hear it for Sactown Synchrony. Give those guys a round of applause. And now, last but certainly not least, we have a group coming out of Las Vegas, The Claymores!
The lights dim.
INT. BACKSTAGE - NIGHT
Charlie, Brock, Ezekiel and Karol stand on the side of the stage, frozen with stage fright.
EZEKIEL
They’re going to know, man, they’re going to know.
BROCK
Know what?
EZEKIEL
We’re not wearing underwear, man! Who does that? Who goes onstage with a dress on and no underwear?
CHARLIE
It’s not a dress, it’s a KILT.
EZEKIEL
You got any underwear on?
CHARLIE
Well, no.
KAROL
So we’re freeballing in front of all these people. That’s not right. It’s not right to freeball in front of grandmothers. There are grandmothers out there!
BROCK
I freeball all the time, what’s the big deal?
EZEKIEL
You gonna freeball in front of Nana?
BROCK
It’s not like she’s never seen balls before. She was married to Poppy for like 50 years, she did have kids. I’m sure she juggled some balls in her lifetime.
EZEKIEL
Okay now you’re crossing the line. You are CROSSING THE LINE! My Nana did not juggle Poppy’s balls!
INT. SACRAMENTO CONVENTION CENTER AUDITORIUM - SAME
“My Nana did not juggle Poppy’s balls!” resonates through the silent crowd. Shocked faces abound, with a few sultry looks from some grandmothers in the audience.
INT. BACKSTAGE - SAME
Ezekiel has Brock by the lapel, threatening to choke him while Charlie and Karol try to separate them. The page comes up behind them.
PAGE
Claymores. You’re on! Go!
Ezekiel releases Brock. Karol smooths out Brock’s outfit.
ANNE(O.S.)
Ladies and gentlemen, The Claymores!
PAGEGo! Go! Go!
The four of them take a deep breath, and then--
INT. SACRAMENTO CONVENTION CENTER AUDITORIUM - SAME
A barking military cadence from O.S. Charlie leads The Claymores on stage in a military-style jogging cadence, followed by Karol, then Brock and Ezekiel in the same cadence. They stop with several feet between them, covering the entire stage.
Charlie draws his sword. The others follow suit. They break into a rendition of “Citizen Soldier” made popular by the band 3 Doors Down. During the singing of the song, they engage in a very complex set of choreography involving the swords. They sound pretty good. The choreography is good, the boys stumble a few times, but the overall performance is very entertaining.
When they finish, the crowd sits stunned for a beat. Then, a STANDING OVATION. The Claymores run giddily off the stage.
INT. BACKSTAGE - SAME
The Claymores give each other high fives and celebrate their performance. Carmen gives each one a hug.
ANNE(O.S.)Well, that didn’t take long. Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like the judges have made a decision. The winner of this year’s West Coast Barbershop Quartet competition, moving on to the national finals in two weeks in Las Vegas, Nevada, is . . . The Claymores!
The audience erupts. The Claymores are dumbfounded.
CHARLIEWe won?
CARMEN
Get out there! Go!
KAROL
We won!
They run, jubilantly back onto the stage.
INT. SACRAMENTO CONVENTION CENTER PERFORMANCE STAGE - SAME
Anne holds out a trophy to The Claymores as they run to the center of the stage. Brock and Ezekiel try to elbow each other out of the way to accept the trophy. Karol outmaneuvers both of them to take it from Anne. Charlie grabs the microphone.
CHARLIE
You like us! You really, really like us!
Movement in the audience catches Charlie’s eye. A couple in middle aisle seats gets up and hurriedly runs from the theater. It is Tabitha and Darwin DeCloud.
CHARLIE (CONT'D)
Hey, is that Tabi--?
He drops the microphone, runs and jumps off the front of the stage. Unfortunately, there is an orchestra pit and Charlie tumbles from sight with a great CRASH.
KAROL
Where the hell did Charlie go?
He looks over the edge, Charlie is tangled in a heap of chairs on his back at the bottom of the orchestra pit.
KAROL (CONT'D)
What are you doing?
CHARLIE
Go catch that girl. That’s Shamus’ girlfriend.
KAROL
What girl?
CHARLIE
The one leaving down the center aisle with that guy. Hurry!
Karol turns for a second and quickly talks to Brock and Ezekiel. He turns and leaps easily over the orchestra pit, chasing Tabitha.
CUT TO:
INT. ORCHESTRA PIT - SAME
Charlie looks up as Karol sails over the orchestra pit, sans underwear.
CHARLIE Could’ve done without that visual.
Charlie extricates himself from the chairs and climbs out of the orchestra pit.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
