FADE IN:
EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - DAY
Two men in their late 20’s, PHILLIP and WALTER, take their seats in the upper deck of a football stadium. They are decked out in jerseys and hats supporting the home team.
PHILLIP(sarcastically)
Nice seats.
WALTER
Hey, they were free. Stop complaining.
The FAN comes up and sits in the seat directly behind them. He is a large, muscular black man in his late 40’s with thick glasses and a shaved head. When he speaks he has a deep, guttural voice reminiscent of an old blues man. He also sports the home team’s jersey. He leans down in between Phillip and Walter.
FAN
Hometown boys huh? Alright!
PHILLIP
Yep.
WALTER
Oh yeah.
FAN
We’re going to have a good game today. A GOOD game today! I can feel it.
PHILLIP
I hope so.
FAN
Hope? Boy you got to have faith! Faith I say!
He claps Walter on the back and leans back in his seat. Walter and Phillip exchange an “I hope it’s not going to be like this all game” glance.
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - SAME
The home team runs out onto the field. The crowd rises to its feet and begins cheering.
EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - SAME
Walter and Phillip are on their feet, clapping for the team. The Fan jumps up from his seat.
FAN
Those boys are looking good. Looking good! State better look out today, they gonna get a healthy dose of number 33 today. All day. Number 33! A healthy dose!
The Fan leans down between Phillip and Walter.
FAN (CONT'D)
You feel me?
WALTER
A healthy dose?
FAN
That’s right. A healthy dose of number 33. All day. All day. Number 33 gonna be up in that ass all day!
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - LATER
The teams line up and kickoff. The home team gets the ball and lines up for a play. Number 33 scores a touchdown on a long run on the first play from scrimmage.
EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - SAME
After the touchdown is scored all of the people in Walter and Phillip’s section are giving each other high fives and chest bumping one another.
FAN
What’d I tell you? All day. Number 33 up in that ass all day. Sweep right, number 33. Sweep left, number 33. Between the tackles, number 33. Up that ass, number 33. All day. ALL DAY! What’d I tell you? Up! In! That! Ass!
Walter and Phillip give each other a pained look.
PHILLIP
All day?
FAN
All day! What I tell you?
WALTER
All. Day.
FAN
That’s right. All day!
Walter rubs at his eyes as if trying to relieve a tension headache. He looks at the game clock. 14:45 left in the first quarter. He peeks back at The Fan and sees a one seat buffer in every direction from the Fan except for the seats Walter and Phillip are sitting in. The Fan continues CHEERING (ad lib) as a fan, CHUCK, in front of Phillip turns around.
CHUCK
Worst seats in the house.
PHILLIP
Excuse me?
CHUCK
You got the worst seats in the house. You didn’t pay for those, did you?
PHILLIP
No, my buddy gave them to me.
CHUCK
He must hate you. What did you do, sleep with his sister?
PHILLIP
No, he just said he couldn’t come this week.
CHUCK
That guy never comes. I see different people in those seats every week. That guy must have a lot of enemies.
WALTER
It’s not that bad is it? Does he calm down at all?
CHUCK
He is calm. Wait ‘til they go on defense.
WALTER
What, it gets worse?
Chuck laughs to himself and turns to face the game.
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - SAME
The teams line up and the home team kicks off to the visiting team. The visiting team lines up for a play.
EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - SAME
Walter looks at Phillip.
WALTER
How could it possibly get worse?
Phillip shrugs his shoulders. The Fan stands up behind them.
FAN
The I formation? Are you kidding me? They don’t respect you Mister Pendergast! They do not respect you!
WALTER(to Phillip)
Who is Mr. Pendergast?
Phillip shrugs his shoulders. Chuck turns around.
CHUCK
He’s the defensive coordinator. But his real name is Pendergrass. Not Pendergast. I don’t know where he came up with that one.
FAN
They do not respect you Mr. Pendergast! The I formation? That’s an insult to you, your momma and your hometown Mr. Pendergast! Don’t let them do that to you. You got to man up!
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - SAME
The visiting team runs a running play. It gains five or six yards.
EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - SAME
The Fan is going nuts in his seat.
FAN
Five yards! From the I formation? Mr. Pendergast you need to check your manhood at the door. You cannot let them do that to you. You cannot let them do that! You need 8 men in the box for that! 8 men in the box! All day baby, all day!
WALTER(to Phillip)
There’s no way he can keep this up all game.
CUT TO:
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - LATER
The clock shows 4:35 left in the 4th quarter. The home team is winning 47 to 6 and they have the ball.
EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - SAME
The entire section is empty except for Phillip, Walter and The Fan. The Fan has not lost one ounce of his venom as he yells at the game.
FAN
You know they were not looking for that number 33. A healthy dose of 33, that’s all you need. Take two number 33’s and call me in the morning. All day baby. All day. Mr. Pendergast, I hope you’re paying attention to this. That’s how you play. That, is, how, you, play, the, game!
He slaps Walter on the back.
FAN (CONT'D)
You can’t stop these boys! You cannot stop these boys! They run this. They control the game. You can’t control the game the way they do. No you can’t.
FADE OUT:
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - LATER
The clock hits 0:00 and the teams run off the field. The home team has won 54-6.
EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - SAME
Walter and Phillip get up to leave, they both look completely worn out. The Fan is still going strong.
FAN
Hell of a game boys. Hell of a game. A healthy dose of number 33. Eight men in the box. Mr. Pendergast finally got the respect that he was due. Hell of a game. Whooo!
WALTER
Yeah, hell of a game.
The Fan claps him on the back.
FAN
You take care now. Be good to yourself and your family. See you next week. Got a big game coming. Hell of a game. Got to get Mr. Pendergast the respect he deserves.
PHILLIP
Yes sir. We sure do. Catch you later.
FAN
Later boys.
Walter and Phillip leave the section.
INT. STADIUM CONCOURSE - SAME
Walter and Phillip walk through the stadium on their way out.
WALTER
Holy crap, I thought that dude would never shut up.
PHILLIP
He didn’t shut up. My voice hurts just from listening to him. I think I’m going to need to get some beer or something on the way home.
WALTER
Yeah, I can hit some of that with you. I think I’m more worn out than the players are. I can’t believe that guy.
PHILLIP
Yeah, I wonder what he is like when he’s away from football. Probably a nice, quiet dude who just goes to the football games to get it all out of him.
WALTER
Yeah, I bet he’s like a librarian or something.
They laugh.
CUT TO:
INT. GROCERY STORE - LATER
Walter and Phillip hold a 30-pack of beer and some chips as they walk toward the checkout counter of the grocery store. As they get closer, a loud, familiar voice echoes through the store. They round the corner and see The Fan at the checkout counter of a terrified looking CASHIER.
The cashier scans a package of Flintstones chewable vitamins.
FAN
A healthy dose of vitamin C in those there! A healthy dose! You know what I do with those things?
CASHIER
N-no.
FAN
I pop those things in my mouth for a HEALTHY dose of vitamin C. All day. All day baby. Vitamin C. That’s what it’s all about.
The cashier tries to scan an avocado. The UPC code is ripped so she must check the booklet for the code.
CASHIER
Hmm. The UPC’s not working.
FAN
Not working? You hear that Mr. Kumquat? That UPC does not respect you. No respect from the UPC. None whatsoever.
CASHIER
Umm, sir, this is an avocado.
The Fan gives her a blank look for an extended second. He then turns back to the avocado in her hand and starts yelling at it.
FAN
No respect for you Mr. Kumquat! Did you hear what she said? An avocado? You can’t put an avocado in the bag with the vitamin C. Ain’t nobody trying to make no guacamole ‘round here. No respect Mr. Kumquat! None. Gonna put my Flintstones vitamins next to you on the way home and we’re going to practice a zone defense, you hear me? I cannot believe the level of disrespect you have earned yourself from that UPC.
Walter and Phillip freeze in their tracks. Walter puts the beer down on the floor.
WALTER
I can’t do this.
Phillip puts his chips down.
PHILLIP
Me either.
They quickly walk out of the store to the fading sounds of The Fan talking to his groceries.
FAN
Two items in the bag. Two items! Got to get my healthy dose of vitamin C next to my good friend Mr. Kumquat and we are going to go home and respect each other. The UPC may not respect Mr. Kumquat but I sure as hell do. And the Flintstones vitamins respect the kumquat too. All day. All day baby. And all night. All day and all night.
THE END
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
The Forest And The Trees
The Forest and The Trees
Written by Patrick May and Ron Hooker, Jr.
Story by Ron Hooker, Jr.
Copyright 2008
FADE IN:
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
ARNOLD GREENSBURG, a twenty-something African-American man dressed in a power suit complete with a matching briefcase, bursts angrily through the front doors of the office building. He rips viciously at his tie to loosen it before turning back towards the building, shaking his fist.
ARNOLD
That’s not the last you’ll hear of me! That’s for sure! Not by a longshot.
He turns back and stomps away from the door. He grabs his tie again and wrestles with it, trying to get the knot undone. After a few seconds of unsuccessful fighting, he turns back toward the building.
ARNOLD (CONT'D)
This will not stand! Do you hear me? This, will, not, stand!
A PASSERBY dressed in a big puffy vest with matching Crocs shoes takes interest in the conversation Arnold is having with the building, cocking his head as if waiting for the building to answer.
ARNOLD (CONT'D)
You think you can stop me? You can’t! No way! No, way!
The passerby pulls a sandwich out of his vest and takes a bite. This is unplanned lunchtime entertainment for him.
ARNOLD (CONT'D)
They couldn’t stop me in school. They couldn’t stop me in my internship, and you damn well won’t stop me here! Do you hear?! Arnold Greensburg will not allow that to happen!
The passerby stops before taking another bit of his sandwich.
PASSERBY
Who’s Arnold Greensburg?
Arnold hears him.
ARNOLD
Who’s Arnold Greensburg? I’m Arnold Greensburg, that’s who.
Arnold turns back to the building.
ARNOLD (CONT'D)
And I won’t stand for it! Never have, never will!
PASSERBY
Your name is Arnold Greensburg?
ARNOLD
Yeah. You got a problem with that?
PASSERBY
No, it’s just your name. It doesn’t really . . . fit.
ARNOLD
What, a black man can’t be named Arnold?
PASSERBY
No, it’s just--
ARNOLD
You’ve never seen Diff’rent Strokes? You don’t think Gary Coleman deserved to be called Arnold? Let me tell you something, I have earned every letter of my name.
PASSERBY
It’s not Arnold. It’s Greensburg. It sounds very . . .
ARNOLD
What? Jewish?
PASSERBY
Yeah. Jewish.
ARNOLD
Oh, so you think just because I’m a black man I can’t be one of the chosen people?
PASSERBY
No, I--
ARNOLD
You think that just because I’m named after one of the characters in Diff’rent Strokes that I can’t celebrate Hanukkah? You think I don’t know the words to Dreidel and won’t spin one of those right in your face? I got 12 of those things a year for 10 years. You think I can’t spin one of those just because I’m a black man?
PASSERBY
No, I just thought--
ARNOLD
Thought what?
The passerby takes another bite of his sandwich. He gestures to the building.
PASSERBY
What did they do to you in there?
Arnold turns to the building, snarls at it then stomps away from the building and the passerby.
ARNOLD
What did they do? It’s not what they did, it’s what they didn’t do!
The passerby watches Arnold walk off. He stands for a couple of seconds, looking for new entertainment. Seeing none, he takes another bite of his sandwich and walks off.
INT. CAR - SAME
Arnold stomps to the car, flings the door open and hucks his briefcase into the back seat. He sits down heavily in the driver’s seat, puts a Bluetooth earpiece in his right ear, dials his phone, starts the car and pulls away aggressively.
ARNOLD(into the phone headset)
Hey, what are you doing? Meet me at the range, I need to vent.
EXT. DRIVING RANGE - AFTERNOON
Arnold has taken off his suit jacket and tie and has his sleeves rolled up. He is now wearing golf shoes. He lines up over a ball and belts it 300 yards down the driving range with perfect form. He doesn’t even take the time to admire his shot before teeing another ball up.
His friend WOODY, a white twenty-something walks up with his clubs slung across his back, admiring Arnold’s last shot.
WOODY
Nice shot.
ARNOLD
What? Oh. Yeah.
Arnold belts another 300 yard drive and tees up another ball without looking at it.
WOODY
So what’s going on? You okay?
Arnold pulls away from the ball and waggles the club menacingly in Woody’s face.
ARNOLD
You know what gets me? They won’t even give a guy a chance, you know. They won’t even give me a chance.
Arnold slams the club to the ground and rips at his throat as if trying to untie a tie.
WOODY
Dude, calm down, you’re not wearing a tie.
Woody picks up Arnold’s driver and hands it to him.
WOODY (CONT'D)
Here, take your club back. What happened?
Arnold snatches the club from Woody, walks over to his ball and rips another 300-yarder down the range.
ARNOLD
They wouldn’t even give me a chance. Said I didn’t have enough experience. How the hell am I supposed to get experience if they won’t hire me?
WOODY
I don’t know dude.
ARNOLD
I managed a restaurant for 2 years, you know? It’s not like I have no experience at EVERYTHING. Nobody can change a tire like I can. I know how to make an Excel spreadsheet. I can juggle. Have you ever played Cranium with me?
WOODY
Several times.
ARNOLD
Several times, you’re right. And you know what?
Arnold rips another long drive straight down the range.
ARNOLD (CONT'D)
I RULE at Cranium! I kick ass at that game.
WOODY
Yeah you do.
ARNOLD
But did I rule the first time I played it? No. It took practice, experience. Did I open up the game to play it the first time and see a sign in the box that said “You can’t play this game if you haven’t played before?”
WOODY
I don’t think so.
ARNOLD
No! Hell no! What kind of business sense would that make? I learned that game as I went along, just like everyone else. No one told me I couldn’t play because I didn’t have experience playing it.
Arnold slams his driver into the bag and grabs a pitching wedge. He slaps a shot right at the 125-yard flag, the ball bounces once and hits the flag on the range.
WOODY
Yeah dude, how does anyone get experience doing anything?
ARNOLD
Exactly! That’s exactly what I told them. But they wouldn’t listen to me. Idiots. Bunch of stupid dumb idiot jackasses.
Arnold hits another ball that hits the flag on the fly.
WOODY
Hey, you want me to see if we can get on the course and play a round? Get your mind off your worries.
ARNOLD
Sure, it’s not like I have a job to go to instead.
Woody walks toward the clubhouse. Arnold continues to hit shot after shot at the flag. The voice of the STARTER comes over the loudspeaker.
STARTER
Greensburg two to the first tee.
ARNOLD
Sweet, he got us on.
CUT TO:
EXT. GOLF COURSE TEE BOX - AFTERNOON
Arnold rails a drive long and straight down the fairway. Woody chunks his shot and the divot goes further than the ball.
WOODY
Man, I wish I could hit like you do.
ARNOLD
Just practice, man. Practice. Experience. Just gotta get your foot in the door and go from there. That’s all.
EXT. GOLF COURSE GREEN - AFTERNOON
Arnold drains a putt from 30 feet.
WOODY
Nice birdie.
Arnold pays no attention.
ARNOLD
All I need is a shot, you know. Just one shot and I will make the most of it. The thing is, I can learn on the job, just like everyone does . . .
EXT. GOLF COURSE BUNKER - AFTERNOON
Arnold hits a shot out of the greenside bunker that ends up less than a foot from the hole.
ARNOLD
I mean, who doesn’t want the opportunity to learn something new. Have I ever told you now long it took me to learn to tie a tie?
WOODY
Nice shot, dude.
ARNOLD
Like three tries. And I’m talking Windsor AND Half Windsor knots. Three tries. For both of them. I don’t play when it comes to stuff like that. You know what else--
CUT TO:EXT. GOLF COURSE VARIOUS - AFTERNOON
Arnold makes several great golf shots, all in between times of animatedly talking to Woody.
EXT. GOLF COURSE PAR 3 OVER WATER - AFTERNOON
Arnold hits his shot within 6 feet of the pin.
ARNOLD
Maybe sometime you can come over to my place and I will bake you up a stromboli. You think I got that one on the first try?
WOODY
Yep.
Woody hits his tee shot into the water. He walks dejectedly back to the cart with Arnold.
ARNOLD
You’re damn right I got that on the first try. One try, one stromboli. That’s how I do it. No experience necessary. None. That’s not to say my second stromboli wasn’t even better than the first, because it was, but my first one was still tasty as a motha’, you know?
WOODY
I know.
They put their clubs in their bags and Woody drives toward the green.
ARNOLD
Yeah, you know. I know you know. And my third one was EVEN BETTER. Just kept getting better and better the more I made. Soon, I didn’t even want to make strombolis anymore because I was just too tired of the deliciousness involved. So I switched to making Navajo tacos.
WOODY
Navajo tacos? Really?
Woody parks the cart next to the green. Arnold grabs his putter, Woody grabs his putter, his pitching wedge and another ball.
ARNOLD
You’re damn right, Navajo tacos. How many tries you think that one took?
WOODY
One?
Woody drops his ball in the drop zone and lines up over it.
ARNOLD
Two. I burned the shit out of the first ones. Never worked with hot grease like that before. But the second batch was good as hell. I’ll make you some sometime.
WOODY
Sounds good.
Woody chunks a shot that barely makes it to the green. He tosses his club and grabs his putter.
ARNOLD
Good? C’est magnifique, you know what I’m saying.
WOODY
What was that, French?
ARNOLD
Yeah that was French. Guess how many French classes I’ve taken?
WOODY
Two?
Arnold reads his line and lines up over his putt. Woody takes two strokes to drain his putt.
ARNOLD
None! I learned that from watching a Disney movie when I was like seven years old. I learned French from a cartoon and they’re saying I’m not good enough to run their stupid bowling alley because I don’t have EXPERIENCE. Seriously, I hate them. Hate, hate, hate them.
Arnold drains his putt, walks off the green with Woody and gets in the cart. Woody drives to the parking lot.
ARNOLD (CONT'D)
What hole are we on?
WOODY
We’re done. That was 18.
ARNOLD
18? Really? It didn’t feel like it.
WOODY
Yeah, I was hoping it would get your mind off the job interview. All it turned out to do was keep your mind off the game.
ARNOLD
How’d you do? What’d you shoot?
WOODY
98.
ARNOLD
98, nice. Good round Woody. You’re totally getting better. What did I shoot today?
WOODY
64. Two off your best here and only 3 off the course record.
ARNOLD
Really? Damn. Shoulda paid more attention, I guess.
WOODY
Might have helped.
Woody pulls up to Arnold’s car and they both get out and start putting their clubs away in their cars.
ARNOLD
Well, thanks for letting me vent to you today buddy. I appreciate it.
WOODY
No problem, dude. Someday you’ll figure out your calling. There’s a great career out there somewhere for you.
ARNOLD
Man I hope so. I just wish I knew where to look, you know?
WOODY
You’ll find it. Keep your chin up.
ARNOLD
Later bro. I’m going home to check the job boards.
They shake hands, get in their cars and drive away.
THE END
Written by Patrick May and Ron Hooker, Jr.
Story by Ron Hooker, Jr.
Copyright 2008
FADE IN:
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
ARNOLD GREENSBURG, a twenty-something African-American man dressed in a power suit complete with a matching briefcase, bursts angrily through the front doors of the office building. He rips viciously at his tie to loosen it before turning back towards the building, shaking his fist.
ARNOLD
That’s not the last you’ll hear of me! That’s for sure! Not by a longshot.
He turns back and stomps away from the door. He grabs his tie again and wrestles with it, trying to get the knot undone. After a few seconds of unsuccessful fighting, he turns back toward the building.
ARNOLD (CONT'D)
This will not stand! Do you hear me? This, will, not, stand!
A PASSERBY dressed in a big puffy vest with matching Crocs shoes takes interest in the conversation Arnold is having with the building, cocking his head as if waiting for the building to answer.
ARNOLD (CONT'D)
You think you can stop me? You can’t! No way! No, way!
The passerby pulls a sandwich out of his vest and takes a bite. This is unplanned lunchtime entertainment for him.
ARNOLD (CONT'D)
They couldn’t stop me in school. They couldn’t stop me in my internship, and you damn well won’t stop me here! Do you hear?! Arnold Greensburg will not allow that to happen!
The passerby stops before taking another bit of his sandwich.
PASSERBY
Who’s Arnold Greensburg?
Arnold hears him.
ARNOLD
Who’s Arnold Greensburg? I’m Arnold Greensburg, that’s who.
Arnold turns back to the building.
ARNOLD (CONT'D)
And I won’t stand for it! Never have, never will!
PASSERBY
Your name is Arnold Greensburg?
ARNOLD
Yeah. You got a problem with that?
PASSERBY
No, it’s just your name. It doesn’t really . . . fit.
ARNOLD
What, a black man can’t be named Arnold?
PASSERBY
No, it’s just--
ARNOLD
You’ve never seen Diff’rent Strokes? You don’t think Gary Coleman deserved to be called Arnold? Let me tell you something, I have earned every letter of my name.
PASSERBY
It’s not Arnold. It’s Greensburg. It sounds very . . .
ARNOLD
What? Jewish?
PASSERBY
Yeah. Jewish.
ARNOLD
Oh, so you think just because I’m a black man I can’t be one of the chosen people?
PASSERBY
No, I--
ARNOLD
You think that just because I’m named after one of the characters in Diff’rent Strokes that I can’t celebrate Hanukkah? You think I don’t know the words to Dreidel and won’t spin one of those right in your face? I got 12 of those things a year for 10 years. You think I can’t spin one of those just because I’m a black man?
PASSERBY
No, I just thought--
ARNOLD
Thought what?
The passerby takes another bite of his sandwich. He gestures to the building.
PASSERBY
What did they do to you in there?
Arnold turns to the building, snarls at it then stomps away from the building and the passerby.
ARNOLD
What did they do? It’s not what they did, it’s what they didn’t do!
The passerby watches Arnold walk off. He stands for a couple of seconds, looking for new entertainment. Seeing none, he takes another bite of his sandwich and walks off.
INT. CAR - SAME
Arnold stomps to the car, flings the door open and hucks his briefcase into the back seat. He sits down heavily in the driver’s seat, puts a Bluetooth earpiece in his right ear, dials his phone, starts the car and pulls away aggressively.
ARNOLD(into the phone headset)
Hey, what are you doing? Meet me at the range, I need to vent.
EXT. DRIVING RANGE - AFTERNOON
Arnold has taken off his suit jacket and tie and has his sleeves rolled up. He is now wearing golf shoes. He lines up over a ball and belts it 300 yards down the driving range with perfect form. He doesn’t even take the time to admire his shot before teeing another ball up.
His friend WOODY, a white twenty-something walks up with his clubs slung across his back, admiring Arnold’s last shot.
WOODY
Nice shot.
ARNOLD
What? Oh. Yeah.
Arnold belts another 300 yard drive and tees up another ball without looking at it.
WOODY
So what’s going on? You okay?
Arnold pulls away from the ball and waggles the club menacingly in Woody’s face.
ARNOLD
You know what gets me? They won’t even give a guy a chance, you know. They won’t even give me a chance.
Arnold slams the club to the ground and rips at his throat as if trying to untie a tie.
WOODY
Dude, calm down, you’re not wearing a tie.
Woody picks up Arnold’s driver and hands it to him.
WOODY (CONT'D)
Here, take your club back. What happened?
Arnold snatches the club from Woody, walks over to his ball and rips another 300-yarder down the range.
ARNOLD
They wouldn’t even give me a chance. Said I didn’t have enough experience. How the hell am I supposed to get experience if they won’t hire me?
WOODY
I don’t know dude.
ARNOLD
I managed a restaurant for 2 years, you know? It’s not like I have no experience at EVERYTHING. Nobody can change a tire like I can. I know how to make an Excel spreadsheet. I can juggle. Have you ever played Cranium with me?
WOODY
Several times.
ARNOLD
Several times, you’re right. And you know what?
Arnold rips another long drive straight down the range.
ARNOLD (CONT'D)
I RULE at Cranium! I kick ass at that game.
WOODY
Yeah you do.
ARNOLD
But did I rule the first time I played it? No. It took practice, experience. Did I open up the game to play it the first time and see a sign in the box that said “You can’t play this game if you haven’t played before?”
WOODY
I don’t think so.
ARNOLD
No! Hell no! What kind of business sense would that make? I learned that game as I went along, just like everyone else. No one told me I couldn’t play because I didn’t have experience playing it.
Arnold slams his driver into the bag and grabs a pitching wedge. He slaps a shot right at the 125-yard flag, the ball bounces once and hits the flag on the range.
WOODY
Yeah dude, how does anyone get experience doing anything?
ARNOLD
Exactly! That’s exactly what I told them. But they wouldn’t listen to me. Idiots. Bunch of stupid dumb idiot jackasses.
Arnold hits another ball that hits the flag on the fly.
WOODY
Hey, you want me to see if we can get on the course and play a round? Get your mind off your worries.
ARNOLD
Sure, it’s not like I have a job to go to instead.
Woody walks toward the clubhouse. Arnold continues to hit shot after shot at the flag. The voice of the STARTER comes over the loudspeaker.
STARTER
Greensburg two to the first tee.
ARNOLD
Sweet, he got us on.
CUT TO:
EXT. GOLF COURSE TEE BOX - AFTERNOON
Arnold rails a drive long and straight down the fairway. Woody chunks his shot and the divot goes further than the ball.
WOODY
Man, I wish I could hit like you do.
ARNOLD
Just practice, man. Practice. Experience. Just gotta get your foot in the door and go from there. That’s all.
EXT. GOLF COURSE GREEN - AFTERNOON
Arnold drains a putt from 30 feet.
WOODY
Nice birdie.
Arnold pays no attention.
ARNOLD
All I need is a shot, you know. Just one shot and I will make the most of it. The thing is, I can learn on the job, just like everyone does . . .
EXT. GOLF COURSE BUNKER - AFTERNOON
Arnold hits a shot out of the greenside bunker that ends up less than a foot from the hole.
ARNOLD
I mean, who doesn’t want the opportunity to learn something new. Have I ever told you now long it took me to learn to tie a tie?
WOODY
Nice shot, dude.
ARNOLD
Like three tries. And I’m talking Windsor AND Half Windsor knots. Three tries. For both of them. I don’t play when it comes to stuff like that. You know what else--
CUT TO:EXT. GOLF COURSE VARIOUS - AFTERNOON
Arnold makes several great golf shots, all in between times of animatedly talking to Woody.
EXT. GOLF COURSE PAR 3 OVER WATER - AFTERNOON
Arnold hits his shot within 6 feet of the pin.
ARNOLD
Maybe sometime you can come over to my place and I will bake you up a stromboli. You think I got that one on the first try?
WOODY
Yep.
Woody hits his tee shot into the water. He walks dejectedly back to the cart with Arnold.
ARNOLD
You’re damn right I got that on the first try. One try, one stromboli. That’s how I do it. No experience necessary. None. That’s not to say my second stromboli wasn’t even better than the first, because it was, but my first one was still tasty as a motha’, you know?
WOODY
I know.
They put their clubs in their bags and Woody drives toward the green.
ARNOLD
Yeah, you know. I know you know. And my third one was EVEN BETTER. Just kept getting better and better the more I made. Soon, I didn’t even want to make strombolis anymore because I was just too tired of the deliciousness involved. So I switched to making Navajo tacos.
WOODY
Navajo tacos? Really?
Woody parks the cart next to the green. Arnold grabs his putter, Woody grabs his putter, his pitching wedge and another ball.
ARNOLD
You’re damn right, Navajo tacos. How many tries you think that one took?
WOODY
One?
Woody drops his ball in the drop zone and lines up over it.
ARNOLD
Two. I burned the shit out of the first ones. Never worked with hot grease like that before. But the second batch was good as hell. I’ll make you some sometime.
WOODY
Sounds good.
Woody chunks a shot that barely makes it to the green. He tosses his club and grabs his putter.
ARNOLD
Good? C’est magnifique, you know what I’m saying.
WOODY
What was that, French?
ARNOLD
Yeah that was French. Guess how many French classes I’ve taken?
WOODY
Two?
Arnold reads his line and lines up over his putt. Woody takes two strokes to drain his putt.
ARNOLD
None! I learned that from watching a Disney movie when I was like seven years old. I learned French from a cartoon and they’re saying I’m not good enough to run their stupid bowling alley because I don’t have EXPERIENCE. Seriously, I hate them. Hate, hate, hate them.
Arnold drains his putt, walks off the green with Woody and gets in the cart. Woody drives to the parking lot.
ARNOLD (CONT'D)
What hole are we on?
WOODY
We’re done. That was 18.
ARNOLD
18? Really? It didn’t feel like it.
WOODY
Yeah, I was hoping it would get your mind off the job interview. All it turned out to do was keep your mind off the game.
ARNOLD
How’d you do? What’d you shoot?
WOODY
98.
ARNOLD
98, nice. Good round Woody. You’re totally getting better. What did I shoot today?
WOODY
64. Two off your best here and only 3 off the course record.
ARNOLD
Really? Damn. Shoulda paid more attention, I guess.
WOODY
Might have helped.
Woody pulls up to Arnold’s car and they both get out and start putting their clubs away in their cars.
ARNOLD
Well, thanks for letting me vent to you today buddy. I appreciate it.
WOODY
No problem, dude. Someday you’ll figure out your calling. There’s a great career out there somewhere for you.
ARNOLD
Man I hope so. I just wish I knew where to look, you know?
WOODY
You’ll find it. Keep your chin up.
ARNOLD
Later bro. I’m going home to check the job boards.
They shake hands, get in their cars and drive away.
THE END
Friday, October 3, 2008
"The Office" Spec Script Cold Open
This is the "cold open" for my new spec script for The Office (NBC, Thursday nights). This is the part that usually runs right before the opening credits.
COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
INT. THE OFFICE - PAM’S DESK AND FRONT DOOR - DAY
PAM sits at her desk, typing. MICHAEL walks in the door, takes two steps and stops, presenting himself to her. He is up to his ears with beaded necklaces. He looks at Pam and giggles.
PAM
Hi Michael. I like your necklaces.
MICHAEL
I bet you do. Well if you want one, you’re going to have to earn it.
She looks over at JIM, who was has the phone receiver in his hand getting ready to make a call. Once he sees Michael he aborts the phone call.
JIM
What did you do last night Michael?
MICHAEL
Wouldn’t you like to know?
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
Michael in his office.
MICHAEL
I saw a DVD last night. Got it accidentally from Netflix. I ordered season one of The Gilmore Girls, instead I got this other one. Girls Gone--crazy, something. Anyway, you would not believe what some girls will do for beads. Beads! I think today is going to be a good day.
JIM TALKING HEAD
JIM
The Gilmore Girls. The Gil-more Girls.
INT. THE OFFICE - PAM’S DESK AND FRONT DOOR - D1
MICHAEL tugs on one of his beaded necklaces.
MICHAEL
Pam, you ready to earn one of these things?
PAM is appalled.
PAM
No Michael, I’m not.
MICHAEL
Are you sure? Because I really want to give you one.
Michael turns to JIM and throws him a necklace.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Think fast!
JIM
What’s this for?
MICHAEL
For prior services rendered. Basketball. Shirts and skins. You were a skin. And I thank you.
Pam and Jim exchange looks that say “Wow.” Michael walks over to MEREDITH’S desk. DWIGHT perks up at his desk. Meredith sighs and continues doing her work.
DWIGHT
Michael, what are you doing? Meredith, do not take your shirt off.
He places a necklace over her head. She looks up.
MICHAEL
(under his breath)
I’ve got pictures.
MEREDITH TALKING HEAD
MEREDITH
I have a lot of those necklaces already. I use them for Christmas decorations. My tree collapsed last year.
INT. THE OFFICE - ACCOUNTING AREA -MOMENTS LATER - D1
Michael approaches ANGELA’S desk. Angela writes ferociously on a balance sheet. KEVIN, wide-eyed with anticipation, stands up to look over the divider at Angela. OSCAR leans back and crosses his arms.
MICHAEL
Angela, I would like you to--
ANGELA
No Michael.
MICHAEL
(whispering)
Angela. The human body is a beautiful, wonderful--
ANGELA
No!
Kevin is crushed. Michael turns to PHYLLIS and STANLEY. DWIGHT jumps up from his desk.
DWIGHT
Michael, I want one.
Dwight begins to unbutton his shirt.
MICHAEL
(scolding)
No Dwight! No! These are for women only.
DWIGHT
But Jim got one.
MICHAEL
Jim is different. Than you.
DWIGHT
What about Phyllis? Does she get one? Please say no.
Michael takes off one of the necklaces and weighs it in his hand, looking at Phyllis and Stanley, debating. Phyllis is terrified of what could happen next.
MICHAEL
Blech. No. No. No.
(turns to Dwight)
Dwight, put your shirt back on. Okay, take one. Saw a nipple.
Michael throws a necklace to Dwight, who catches it and raises a hand in victory.
DWIGHT
YESSS!
ANDY has his shirt off at his desk.
ANDY
Hit me, Michael. Hit me.
INT. PHYLLIS’ BEDROOM - DAY
Phyllis opens a drawer in her dresser. It is filled to the top with beaded necklaces. She pulls out a photo of herself at a much younger age on Bourbon Street. Parts of the photo are blurred out.
PHYLLIS
I got all these in New Orleans on spring break in ‘88. That was a fun night.
(looks at full drawer)
Bob Vance calls me a pack rat.
She looks at the picture of herself.
PHYLLIS (CONT'D)
I was a hottie.
INT. THE OFFICE - PAM’S DESK AND FRONT DOOR - D1
MICHAEL stands in the doorway to his office.
MICHAEL
Pam, last chance. Free beads?
PAM
No Michael.
MICHAEL
Well fine Pam. Deprive us all. Thanks for being a team player.
JIM
She can just borrow mine if she needs to.
MICHAEL
(conflict happily resolved)
Oh, well, that works. Here, take one more. In case you need a backup. Can’t be too careful.
Michael hands Jim an extra necklace and goes into his office.
END OF COLD OPEN
COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
INT. THE OFFICE - PAM’S DESK AND FRONT DOOR - DAY
PAM sits at her desk, typing. MICHAEL walks in the door, takes two steps and stops, presenting himself to her. He is up to his ears with beaded necklaces. He looks at Pam and giggles.
PAM
Hi Michael. I like your necklaces.
MICHAEL
I bet you do. Well if you want one, you’re going to have to earn it.
She looks over at JIM, who was has the phone receiver in his hand getting ready to make a call. Once he sees Michael he aborts the phone call.
JIM
What did you do last night Michael?
MICHAEL
Wouldn’t you like to know?
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
Michael in his office.
MICHAEL
I saw a DVD last night. Got it accidentally from Netflix. I ordered season one of The Gilmore Girls, instead I got this other one. Girls Gone--crazy, something. Anyway, you would not believe what some girls will do for beads. Beads! I think today is going to be a good day.
JIM TALKING HEAD
JIM
The Gilmore Girls. The Gil-more Girls.
INT. THE OFFICE - PAM’S DESK AND FRONT DOOR - D1
MICHAEL tugs on one of his beaded necklaces.
MICHAEL
Pam, you ready to earn one of these things?
PAM is appalled.
PAM
No Michael, I’m not.
MICHAEL
Are you sure? Because I really want to give you one.
Michael turns to JIM and throws him a necklace.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Think fast!
JIM
What’s this for?
MICHAEL
For prior services rendered. Basketball. Shirts and skins. You were a skin. And I thank you.
Pam and Jim exchange looks that say “Wow.” Michael walks over to MEREDITH’S desk. DWIGHT perks up at his desk. Meredith sighs and continues doing her work.
DWIGHT
Michael, what are you doing? Meredith, do not take your shirt off.
He places a necklace over her head. She looks up.
MICHAEL
(under his breath)
I’ve got pictures.
MEREDITH TALKING HEAD
MEREDITH
I have a lot of those necklaces already. I use them for Christmas decorations. My tree collapsed last year.
INT. THE OFFICE - ACCOUNTING AREA -MOMENTS LATER - D1
Michael approaches ANGELA’S desk. Angela writes ferociously on a balance sheet. KEVIN, wide-eyed with anticipation, stands up to look over the divider at Angela. OSCAR leans back and crosses his arms.
MICHAEL
Angela, I would like you to--
ANGELA
No Michael.
MICHAEL
(whispering)
Angela. The human body is a beautiful, wonderful--
ANGELA
No!
Kevin is crushed. Michael turns to PHYLLIS and STANLEY. DWIGHT jumps up from his desk.
DWIGHT
Michael, I want one.
Dwight begins to unbutton his shirt.
MICHAEL
(scolding)
No Dwight! No! These are for women only.
DWIGHT
But Jim got one.
MICHAEL
Jim is different. Than you.
DWIGHT
What about Phyllis? Does she get one? Please say no.
Michael takes off one of the necklaces and weighs it in his hand, looking at Phyllis and Stanley, debating. Phyllis is terrified of what could happen next.
MICHAEL
Blech. No. No. No.
(turns to Dwight)
Dwight, put your shirt back on. Okay, take one. Saw a nipple.
Michael throws a necklace to Dwight, who catches it and raises a hand in victory.
DWIGHT
YESSS!
ANDY has his shirt off at his desk.
ANDY
Hit me, Michael. Hit me.
INT. PHYLLIS’ BEDROOM - DAY
Phyllis opens a drawer in her dresser. It is filled to the top with beaded necklaces. She pulls out a photo of herself at a much younger age on Bourbon Street. Parts of the photo are blurred out.
PHYLLIS
I got all these in New Orleans on spring break in ‘88. That was a fun night.
(looks at full drawer)
Bob Vance calls me a pack rat.
She looks at the picture of herself.
PHYLLIS (CONT'D)
I was a hottie.
INT. THE OFFICE - PAM’S DESK AND FRONT DOOR - D1
MICHAEL stands in the doorway to his office.
MICHAEL
Pam, last chance. Free beads?
PAM
No Michael.
MICHAEL
Well fine Pam. Deprive us all. Thanks for being a team player.
JIM
She can just borrow mine if she needs to.
MICHAEL
(conflict happily resolved)
Oh, well, that works. Here, take one more. In case you need a backup. Can’t be too careful.
Michael hands Jim an extra necklace and goes into his office.
END OF COLD OPEN
Thursday, October 2, 2008
The Claymores Part 13
INT. SACRAMENTO CONVENTION CENTER DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT
Charlie and Carmen wheel the trunk into the corner of the room. Brock, Ezekiel and Karol all stand, waiting to see what’s in the trunk.
CHARLIE
You guys ready?
Charlie opens the trunk and pulls out a costume consisting of a traditional old world Scottish military dress uniform, complete with kilt and beret. Charlie loves it.
CHARLIE (CONT'D)
Eh? You like?
The others sit stone faced.
BROCK
What the hell is that?
CHARLIE
It’s our costume for the competition.
BROCK
Why?
CHARLIE
Because we have to dress alike. It’s part of the whole schtick of the show.
BROCK
Schtick? I don’t think we need a schtick.
CHARLIE
Look, it’s just a uniform, so we’re all dressed the same onstage.
KAROL
What are the swords for?
CHARLIE
Part of the costume. Scottish Claymores.
KAROL
Yeah, but . . . swords?
CHARLIE
We’re not going to use them. I just thought they looked cool.
EZEKIEL
Charlie, I’m not wearing that. Especially that skirt thing.
CHARLIE
That skirt thing is a kilt.
EZEKIEL
That skirt thing is a skirt, and I’m not wearing it.
CHARLIE
Guys, please. Just try them on. If you don’t like them, we won’t ever wear them again, okay?
EZEKIEL
Why would we ever wear them again anyway?
CHARLIE
Because we need them to get into the finals. We need to really nail this show. Like REALLY nail this show.
KAROL
Fine, you go first.
CHARLIE
What do you mean?
KAROL
I mean you go get dressed first and we’ll see what it looks like. If it isn’t totally ridiculous, I’ll think about it.
CHARLIE
All of you?
They look at each other and nod.
CHARLIE (CONT'D)
You’re on.
Charlie runs into the bathroom adjacent to the dressing room.
INT. SACRAMENTO CONVENTION CENTER DRESSING ROOM - LATER
Charlie walks tentatively out of the bathroom, dressed to the hilt in traditional Scottish garb. Kilt, sporran, beret, long socks, jacket and tie, claymore strapped to his side, the whole package. Carmen wolf whistles.
CARMEN
Nice.
Charlie does a quick dance step and ends with a flourish.
CHARLIE
Not bad, eh?
Karol gets up to take a closer look.
KAROL
Not bad. Not bad.
(to Brock and Ezekiel)
What do you think?
Deep thought.
BROCK
I can rock that.
EZEKIEL
Me too. Not as bad as I thought it would look.
There is a KNOCK at the door. A PAGE opens the door and sticks his head into the room.
PAGE
Claymores, this is your 30 minute call.
CHARLIE
Thanks.
The page leaves.
CARMEN
Game time fellas. Hurry and get dressed and let’s run the routine one last time before we hit it.
INT. SACRAMENTO CONVENTION CENTER AUDITORIUM - NIGHT
A barbershop quartet dressed in standard gear of black pants and striped shirts with suspenders leaves the stage. Anne walks onto the stage from the other side and takes the microphone.
ANNE
Let’s hear it for Sactown Synchrony. Give those guys a round of applause. And now, last but certainly not least, we have a group coming out of Las Vegas, The Claymores!
The lights dim.
INT. BACKSTAGE - NIGHT
Charlie, Brock, Ezekiel and Karol stand on the side of the stage, frozen with stage fright.
EZEKIEL
They’re going to know, man, they’re going to know.
BROCK
Know what?
EZEKIEL
We’re not wearing underwear, man! Who does that? Who goes onstage with a dress on and no underwear?
CHARLIE
It’s not a dress, it’s a KILT.
EZEKIEL
You got any underwear on?
CHARLIE
Well, no.
KAROL
So we’re freeballing in front of all these people. That’s not right. It’s not right to freeball in front of grandmothers. There are grandmothers out there!
BROCK
I freeball all the time, what’s the big deal?
EZEKIEL
You gonna freeball in front of Nana?
BROCK
It’s not like she’s never seen balls before. She was married to Poppy for like 50 years, she did have kids. I’m sure she juggled some balls in her lifetime.
EZEKIEL
Okay now you’re crossing the line. You are CROSSING THE LINE! My Nana did not juggle Poppy’s balls!
INT. SACRAMENTO CONVENTION CENTER AUDITORIUM - SAME
“My Nana did not juggle Poppy’s balls!” resonates through the silent crowd. Shocked faces abound, with a few sultry looks from some grandmothers in the audience.
INT. BACKSTAGE - SAME
Ezekiel has Brock by the lapel, threatening to choke him while Charlie and Karol try to separate them. The page comes up behind them.
PAGE
Claymores. You’re on! Go!
Ezekiel releases Brock. Karol smooths out Brock’s outfit.
ANNE(O.S.)
Ladies and gentlemen, The Claymores!
PAGEGo! Go! Go!
The four of them take a deep breath, and then--
INT. SACRAMENTO CONVENTION CENTER AUDITORIUM - SAME
A barking military cadence from O.S. Charlie leads The Claymores on stage in a military-style jogging cadence, followed by Karol, then Brock and Ezekiel in the same cadence. They stop with several feet between them, covering the entire stage.
Charlie draws his sword. The others follow suit. They break into a rendition of “Citizen Soldier” made popular by the band 3 Doors Down. During the singing of the song, they engage in a very complex set of choreography involving the swords. They sound pretty good. The choreography is good, the boys stumble a few times, but the overall performance is very entertaining.
When they finish, the crowd sits stunned for a beat. Then, a STANDING OVATION. The Claymores run giddily off the stage.
INT. BACKSTAGE - SAME
The Claymores give each other high fives and celebrate their performance. Carmen gives each one a hug.
ANNE(O.S.)Well, that didn’t take long. Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like the judges have made a decision. The winner of this year’s West Coast Barbershop Quartet competition, moving on to the national finals in two weeks in Las Vegas, Nevada, is . . . The Claymores!
The audience erupts. The Claymores are dumbfounded.
CHARLIEWe won?
CARMEN
Get out there! Go!
KAROL
We won!
They run, jubilantly back onto the stage.
INT. SACRAMENTO CONVENTION CENTER PERFORMANCE STAGE - SAME
Anne holds out a trophy to The Claymores as they run to the center of the stage. Brock and Ezekiel try to elbow each other out of the way to accept the trophy. Karol outmaneuvers both of them to take it from Anne. Charlie grabs the microphone.
CHARLIE
You like us! You really, really like us!
Movement in the audience catches Charlie’s eye. A couple in middle aisle seats gets up and hurriedly runs from the theater. It is Tabitha and Darwin DeCloud.
CHARLIE (CONT'D)
Hey, is that Tabi--?
He drops the microphone, runs and jumps off the front of the stage. Unfortunately, there is an orchestra pit and Charlie tumbles from sight with a great CRASH.
KAROL
Where the hell did Charlie go?
He looks over the edge, Charlie is tangled in a heap of chairs on his back at the bottom of the orchestra pit.
KAROL (CONT'D)
What are you doing?
CHARLIE
Go catch that girl. That’s Shamus’ girlfriend.
KAROL
What girl?
CHARLIE
The one leaving down the center aisle with that guy. Hurry!
Karol turns for a second and quickly talks to Brock and Ezekiel. He turns and leaps easily over the orchestra pit, chasing Tabitha.
CUT TO:
INT. ORCHESTRA PIT - SAME
Charlie looks up as Karol sails over the orchestra pit, sans underwear.
CHARLIE Could’ve done without that visual.
Charlie extricates himself from the chairs and climbs out of the orchestra pit.
Charlie and Carmen wheel the trunk into the corner of the room. Brock, Ezekiel and Karol all stand, waiting to see what’s in the trunk.
CHARLIE
You guys ready?
Charlie opens the trunk and pulls out a costume consisting of a traditional old world Scottish military dress uniform, complete with kilt and beret. Charlie loves it.
CHARLIE (CONT'D)
Eh? You like?
The others sit stone faced.
BROCK
What the hell is that?
CHARLIE
It’s our costume for the competition.
BROCK
Why?
CHARLIE
Because we have to dress alike. It’s part of the whole schtick of the show.
BROCK
Schtick? I don’t think we need a schtick.
CHARLIE
Look, it’s just a uniform, so we’re all dressed the same onstage.
KAROL
What are the swords for?
CHARLIE
Part of the costume. Scottish Claymores.
KAROL
Yeah, but . . . swords?
CHARLIE
We’re not going to use them. I just thought they looked cool.
EZEKIEL
Charlie, I’m not wearing that. Especially that skirt thing.
CHARLIE
That skirt thing is a kilt.
EZEKIEL
That skirt thing is a skirt, and I’m not wearing it.
CHARLIE
Guys, please. Just try them on. If you don’t like them, we won’t ever wear them again, okay?
EZEKIEL
Why would we ever wear them again anyway?
CHARLIE
Because we need them to get into the finals. We need to really nail this show. Like REALLY nail this show.
KAROL
Fine, you go first.
CHARLIE
What do you mean?
KAROL
I mean you go get dressed first and we’ll see what it looks like. If it isn’t totally ridiculous, I’ll think about it.
CHARLIE
All of you?
They look at each other and nod.
CHARLIE (CONT'D)
You’re on.
Charlie runs into the bathroom adjacent to the dressing room.
INT. SACRAMENTO CONVENTION CENTER DRESSING ROOM - LATER
Charlie walks tentatively out of the bathroom, dressed to the hilt in traditional Scottish garb. Kilt, sporran, beret, long socks, jacket and tie, claymore strapped to his side, the whole package. Carmen wolf whistles.
CARMEN
Nice.
Charlie does a quick dance step and ends with a flourish.
CHARLIE
Not bad, eh?
Karol gets up to take a closer look.
KAROL
Not bad. Not bad.
(to Brock and Ezekiel)
What do you think?
Deep thought.
BROCK
I can rock that.
EZEKIEL
Me too. Not as bad as I thought it would look.
There is a KNOCK at the door. A PAGE opens the door and sticks his head into the room.
PAGE
Claymores, this is your 30 minute call.
CHARLIE
Thanks.
The page leaves.
CARMEN
Game time fellas. Hurry and get dressed and let’s run the routine one last time before we hit it.
INT. SACRAMENTO CONVENTION CENTER AUDITORIUM - NIGHT
A barbershop quartet dressed in standard gear of black pants and striped shirts with suspenders leaves the stage. Anne walks onto the stage from the other side and takes the microphone.
ANNE
Let’s hear it for Sactown Synchrony. Give those guys a round of applause. And now, last but certainly not least, we have a group coming out of Las Vegas, The Claymores!
The lights dim.
INT. BACKSTAGE - NIGHT
Charlie, Brock, Ezekiel and Karol stand on the side of the stage, frozen with stage fright.
EZEKIEL
They’re going to know, man, they’re going to know.
BROCK
Know what?
EZEKIEL
We’re not wearing underwear, man! Who does that? Who goes onstage with a dress on and no underwear?
CHARLIE
It’s not a dress, it’s a KILT.
EZEKIEL
You got any underwear on?
CHARLIE
Well, no.
KAROL
So we’re freeballing in front of all these people. That’s not right. It’s not right to freeball in front of grandmothers. There are grandmothers out there!
BROCK
I freeball all the time, what’s the big deal?
EZEKIEL
You gonna freeball in front of Nana?
BROCK
It’s not like she’s never seen balls before. She was married to Poppy for like 50 years, she did have kids. I’m sure she juggled some balls in her lifetime.
EZEKIEL
Okay now you’re crossing the line. You are CROSSING THE LINE! My Nana did not juggle Poppy’s balls!
INT. SACRAMENTO CONVENTION CENTER AUDITORIUM - SAME
“My Nana did not juggle Poppy’s balls!” resonates through the silent crowd. Shocked faces abound, with a few sultry looks from some grandmothers in the audience.
INT. BACKSTAGE - SAME
Ezekiel has Brock by the lapel, threatening to choke him while Charlie and Karol try to separate them. The page comes up behind them.
PAGE
Claymores. You’re on! Go!
Ezekiel releases Brock. Karol smooths out Brock’s outfit.
ANNE(O.S.)
Ladies and gentlemen, The Claymores!
PAGEGo! Go! Go!
The four of them take a deep breath, and then--
INT. SACRAMENTO CONVENTION CENTER AUDITORIUM - SAME
A barking military cadence from O.S. Charlie leads The Claymores on stage in a military-style jogging cadence, followed by Karol, then Brock and Ezekiel in the same cadence. They stop with several feet between them, covering the entire stage.
Charlie draws his sword. The others follow suit. They break into a rendition of “Citizen Soldier” made popular by the band 3 Doors Down. During the singing of the song, they engage in a very complex set of choreography involving the swords. They sound pretty good. The choreography is good, the boys stumble a few times, but the overall performance is very entertaining.
When they finish, the crowd sits stunned for a beat. Then, a STANDING OVATION. The Claymores run giddily off the stage.
INT. BACKSTAGE - SAME
The Claymores give each other high fives and celebrate their performance. Carmen gives each one a hug.
ANNE(O.S.)Well, that didn’t take long. Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like the judges have made a decision. The winner of this year’s West Coast Barbershop Quartet competition, moving on to the national finals in two weeks in Las Vegas, Nevada, is . . . The Claymores!
The audience erupts. The Claymores are dumbfounded.
CHARLIEWe won?
CARMEN
Get out there! Go!
KAROL
We won!
They run, jubilantly back onto the stage.
INT. SACRAMENTO CONVENTION CENTER PERFORMANCE STAGE - SAME
Anne holds out a trophy to The Claymores as they run to the center of the stage. Brock and Ezekiel try to elbow each other out of the way to accept the trophy. Karol outmaneuvers both of them to take it from Anne. Charlie grabs the microphone.
CHARLIE
You like us! You really, really like us!
Movement in the audience catches Charlie’s eye. A couple in middle aisle seats gets up and hurriedly runs from the theater. It is Tabitha and Darwin DeCloud.
CHARLIE (CONT'D)
Hey, is that Tabi--?
He drops the microphone, runs and jumps off the front of the stage. Unfortunately, there is an orchestra pit and Charlie tumbles from sight with a great CRASH.
KAROL
Where the hell did Charlie go?
He looks over the edge, Charlie is tangled in a heap of chairs on his back at the bottom of the orchestra pit.
KAROL (CONT'D)
What are you doing?
CHARLIE
Go catch that girl. That’s Shamus’ girlfriend.
KAROL
What girl?
CHARLIE
The one leaving down the center aisle with that guy. Hurry!
Karol turns for a second and quickly talks to Brock and Ezekiel. He turns and leaps easily over the orchestra pit, chasing Tabitha.
CUT TO:
INT. ORCHESTRA PIT - SAME
Charlie looks up as Karol sails over the orchestra pit, sans underwear.
CHARLIE Could’ve done without that visual.
Charlie extricates himself from the chairs and climbs out of the orchestra pit.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Sharing Life Treatment
"Sharing Life"by Patrick May
In a cubicle at the end of the day we meet RONNIE, an average-looking accountant fresh out of college in Phoenix, AZ. He watches the clock, waiting for the day to end. He is invited to a party, the same party he’s been attending since college started. He attends, but just like the rest of his life, he is bored with it. His sole means of excitement consists of going onto travel websites, picking out expansive travel plans and then canceling the plans before he has to pay for them.
Ronnie attends a nationwide corporate training session in Dallas. He knows no one there and spends his first night alone watching travel shows on TV in his hotel room in a nice airport hotel.
His first day of corporate instruction he is introduced to CHARLIE, a twenty-something corporate accountant with an intriguing beauty and manner. Ronnie tries, unsuccessfully, to gain access to her world. She is not quite indifferent to him, but does not go out of her way to let him in.
Ronnie gets his chance when he sees Charlie doing homework from the training session with others from class in the hotel lobby. He runs to his hotel room to get his homework and in his rush he gets in an altercation with an OLD MAN and his WIFE. The altercation is resolved by hotel security, but by the time Ronnie gets back to the lobby, Charlie is gone. The next day Ronnie finally catches Charlie’s eye in the training session. They flirt non-verbally, but every time Ronnie gets a chance to talk to her something or someone interrupts one of them.
That night, Ronnie makes sure to bring his homework with him everywhere he goes on the off chance he can meet with Charlie. Finally luck is on his side. She invites him into her homework group in a way only she can. After the homework is done, she uses Ronnie to fend off the painful advances of BILL, a member of her group. After Bill leaves, Charlie tells Ronnie to walk her back to her room so he will “know where to pick me up tomorrow morning.”
The next morning Ronnie shows up and drives her to the conference center. He brings her breakfast. She makes fun of him good-naturedly. There is instant chemistry between them. Outside of the conference center she goes to her normal set of friends, leaving Ronnie to fend for himself. At lunchtime, she again uses Ronnie to fend off a pick-up attempt from Bill. They go to lunch together. Charlie receives a phone call that she hides from Ronnie. Bill follows them and shows up as they are leaving the restaurant.
Bill talks to Charlie alone. Ronnie minds his business but ends up making some smart-aleck remarks that cause Bill to want to fight. Charlie defuses the situation, but Ronnie has a new enemy. Ronnie drives Charlie back to the conference center and asks her to dinner. She agrees.
At dinner Charlie marvels at how Ronnie eats the same meals at the same times every day. She cuts his dinner short, interrupting his predictable life. “You’re taking me bowling.”
Ronnie and Charlie bowl. Ronnie loses badly the first game. Another mysterious phone call for Charlie. They place a wager on the second game, if Ronnie wins he gets a kiss, if he loses he does her homework. They battle evenly, but before the game is over Bill shows up, looking for a fight. Ronnie and Charlie both throw punches but decide to flee the bowling alley before the fight gets out of hand. They decide they want to get some beer and go back to the hotel to talk.
The quest for beer in a dry Texas county turns into an epic journey through several counties. They finally score a 12-pack and head back to the hotel. They stand on a balcony overlooking the airport and drink their hard-earned beer. Ronnie waxes poetic on the airport, “Every time a plane takes off or lands, someone’s life changes.” It hits both of them that this night is their last night together as the seminar ends tomorrow.
Ronnie talks of tragedy while Charlie wants to live in the moment. They dance together in the hotel room. She teaches him how to find the moment. He has never ‘felt’ a moment before. Now he understands.
Bill has managed to track them back to Ronnie’s hotel room. Just as Ronnie and Charlie are leaning in for their first kiss, Bill knocks. Ronnie takes out all of his aggression on Bill with a nice assist from Charlie. The ‘felt’ moment is ruined. Charlie goes back to her room, alone, due to another mysterious phone call.
The next day the seminar ends. Charlie asks Ronnie to take her to the airport. They decide to get one last drink before her plane takes off. While getting the drink, Ronnie tries to tell Charlie how he feels about her. In the middle of the conversation Charlie gets a call . . . from her boyfriend. Ronnie is crushed. Charlie makes him promise to try to find that moment he ‘felt’ the night before again. Charlie says, “Thank you for sharing your life with me, even if it was only for a couple of days.” Ronnie agrees, “I guess that’s better than nothing, right?”
Charlie goes her way, Ronnie goes his. When he gets home the first thing he does is get online to a travel site. He picks out the best vacation. When it comes time to book it, instead of hitting the ‘back’ button, he books it.
In a cubicle at the end of the day we meet RONNIE, an average-looking accountant fresh out of college in Phoenix, AZ. He watches the clock, waiting for the day to end. He is invited to a party, the same party he’s been attending since college started. He attends, but just like the rest of his life, he is bored with it. His sole means of excitement consists of going onto travel websites, picking out expansive travel plans and then canceling the plans before he has to pay for them.
Ronnie attends a nationwide corporate training session in Dallas. He knows no one there and spends his first night alone watching travel shows on TV in his hotel room in a nice airport hotel.
His first day of corporate instruction he is introduced to CHARLIE, a twenty-something corporate accountant with an intriguing beauty and manner. Ronnie tries, unsuccessfully, to gain access to her world. She is not quite indifferent to him, but does not go out of her way to let him in.
Ronnie gets his chance when he sees Charlie doing homework from the training session with others from class in the hotel lobby. He runs to his hotel room to get his homework and in his rush he gets in an altercation with an OLD MAN and his WIFE. The altercation is resolved by hotel security, but by the time Ronnie gets back to the lobby, Charlie is gone. The next day Ronnie finally catches Charlie’s eye in the training session. They flirt non-verbally, but every time Ronnie gets a chance to talk to her something or someone interrupts one of them.
That night, Ronnie makes sure to bring his homework with him everywhere he goes on the off chance he can meet with Charlie. Finally luck is on his side. She invites him into her homework group in a way only she can. After the homework is done, she uses Ronnie to fend off the painful advances of BILL, a member of her group. After Bill leaves, Charlie tells Ronnie to walk her back to her room so he will “know where to pick me up tomorrow morning.”
The next morning Ronnie shows up and drives her to the conference center. He brings her breakfast. She makes fun of him good-naturedly. There is instant chemistry between them. Outside of the conference center she goes to her normal set of friends, leaving Ronnie to fend for himself. At lunchtime, she again uses Ronnie to fend off a pick-up attempt from Bill. They go to lunch together. Charlie receives a phone call that she hides from Ronnie. Bill follows them and shows up as they are leaving the restaurant.
Bill talks to Charlie alone. Ronnie minds his business but ends up making some smart-aleck remarks that cause Bill to want to fight. Charlie defuses the situation, but Ronnie has a new enemy. Ronnie drives Charlie back to the conference center and asks her to dinner. She agrees.
At dinner Charlie marvels at how Ronnie eats the same meals at the same times every day. She cuts his dinner short, interrupting his predictable life. “You’re taking me bowling.”
Ronnie and Charlie bowl. Ronnie loses badly the first game. Another mysterious phone call for Charlie. They place a wager on the second game, if Ronnie wins he gets a kiss, if he loses he does her homework. They battle evenly, but before the game is over Bill shows up, looking for a fight. Ronnie and Charlie both throw punches but decide to flee the bowling alley before the fight gets out of hand. They decide they want to get some beer and go back to the hotel to talk.
The quest for beer in a dry Texas county turns into an epic journey through several counties. They finally score a 12-pack and head back to the hotel. They stand on a balcony overlooking the airport and drink their hard-earned beer. Ronnie waxes poetic on the airport, “Every time a plane takes off or lands, someone’s life changes.” It hits both of them that this night is their last night together as the seminar ends tomorrow.
Ronnie talks of tragedy while Charlie wants to live in the moment. They dance together in the hotel room. She teaches him how to find the moment. He has never ‘felt’ a moment before. Now he understands.
Bill has managed to track them back to Ronnie’s hotel room. Just as Ronnie and Charlie are leaning in for their first kiss, Bill knocks. Ronnie takes out all of his aggression on Bill with a nice assist from Charlie. The ‘felt’ moment is ruined. Charlie goes back to her room, alone, due to another mysterious phone call.
The next day the seminar ends. Charlie asks Ronnie to take her to the airport. They decide to get one last drink before her plane takes off. While getting the drink, Ronnie tries to tell Charlie how he feels about her. In the middle of the conversation Charlie gets a call . . . from her boyfriend. Ronnie is crushed. Charlie makes him promise to try to find that moment he ‘felt’ the night before again. Charlie says, “Thank you for sharing your life with me, even if it was only for a couple of days.” Ronnie agrees, “I guess that’s better than nothing, right?”
Charlie goes her way, Ronnie goes his. When he gets home the first thing he does is get online to a travel site. He picks out the best vacation. When it comes time to book it, instead of hitting the ‘back’ button, he books it.
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