The Buffalo Clan Full Script

copyright Patrick May

FADE IN:
INT. DARKENED HOUSE-NIGHT
Two shadowy figures make their way up a darkened staircase in an upper-middle-class home. DEREK, an African-American high school senior with an athletic build and JL, a shorter, compact Hispanic high school senior are dressed in all black with black beanies on and eye black under their eyes. Sounds of girls GIGGLING come from a room upstairs. Derek pulls a large, futuristic gun from the front waistband of his pants.

DEREK
You ready?

JL
Locked and loaded.

JL pulls up his shirt to reveal a similar gun from his waistband. The two of them silently move upstairs to either side of the doorway the giggling comes from and stand at the ready. A slumber party behind the door.

DEREK
(whispering)
These bitches are dead. One. Two.

JL
(yelling)
Three!

JL kicks the door open and he and Derek burst into the room full of five 14 YEAR OLD GIRLS. The girls scream wildly as the two boys enter the room, guns drawn. There are several POPPING noises as the boys unload their weapons at the girls. When the ammunition runs out, the boys turn and run from the room, laughing wildly. They sprint down the stairs and out of the house.

DINA, one of the girls comes running from the room and stops at the bannister above the stairway. She is covered in egg from head to toe.

DINA
Derek! I’m gonna kick your ass! Wait ‘til dad gets home!

CUT TO:
INT. FLAGSTAFF HIGH SCHOOL-DAY
JEFF SIMONS, a high school senior with a football player build SLAMS his locker shut and walks down the hall past a multitude of high school students. He wears a blue and white bowling shirt emblazoned with the Buffalo Clan symbol on the front lapel. He wears his hat backward and has DJ headphones wrapped around his neck.
A few lockers down is Derek, dressed similarly. Jeff stops at Derek’s locker and they do the Buffalo Clan handshake, which consists of each person sliding their palm across the other’s palm and then pointing at them.

JEFF
What up D?

DEREK
What up. You ready for this assembly after 5th hour today?

JEFF
Oh yeah, oh yeah. But the big question of the day is are YOU ready?

DEREK
Check this out.

Derek reaches into his backpack and pulls out the same gun he and JL used in their assault on the slumber party.

DEREK (CONT'D)
I modified 3 of these last night. They shoot eggs now. Nasty, stanky 4 week old eggs that I left outside accidentally on purpose. Not good for the victim. At all. She’s still not happy.

JEFF
Let me get one of these. How far do they--hold up.

SUSAN, a beautiful blond girl with an athletic build walks past with a few of her exceptionally pretty friends. She walks past Jeff and Derek in SLOW MOTION, making eye contact with Jeff for a split second before defiantly looking the other way. Jeff runs as if hiding behind Derek and looks over Derek’s shoulder at Susan after she passes.

JEFF (CONT'D)
(conspiratorily)
She’s walking in slow motion today, dude. Awesome.

Derek shakes his head in annoyance.

JEFF (CONT'D)
Hi Susan!

Susan turns to see who called her name. She sees Jeff hiding behind Derek and her face hardens before she turns and continues walking away.

JEFF (CONT'D)
She’s in love. She’ll come around.

DEREK
Give it up player, it ain’t never gonna happen.

JL and ROSES, a very tall and somewhat goofy white senior student walk up to Jeff and Derek. They all wear Buffalo Clan bowling shirts and do the Buffalo Clan handshake.

JEFF
What up JL, Roses? Check out the shit Derek came up with. A new egg launcher.
Derek shows them the egg launcher and smirks at JL.

JL
I heard a rumor that these things KICK ASS!

He gives Derek another Buffalo Clan handshake.

ROSES
You gotta let me get on one of these. How far does it shoot?

DEREK
I got about 30 feet out of it last night, but I couldn’t really get an accurate number because the eggs kept hitting my sister in her dome. That girl is going to learn to duck and cover if it kills me. Hopefully we can get more distance from a higher vantage point at the assembly today.

ROSES
I can’t wait, I can’t wait, I can’t wait. Shoot someone now. Now. NOW!

Just then LISETTE walks up to the group. She is a very beautiful and petite Hispanic high school junior. At the sight of her Derek quickly hides the egg launcher behind his back and tries not to look guilty.

LISETTE
Hey guys. Hey Jeff.

ROSES
Hey Lisette.

JEFF
Hi.

A school PHOTOGRAPHER walks up to them with her camera ready to shoot.

PHOTOGRAPHER
Smile everybody, this picture’s for the yearbook.

The photographer bunches everyone together, they all make crazy faces for the picture.

PHOTOGRAPHER (CONT'D)
Thanks.

Lisette pulls Jeff close to her.

LISETTE
Get one more, of me and Jeff.

Jeff is confused but poses with Lisette. The photographer snaps a picture of Jeff with his arm casually around a very smitten Lisette. Roses walks up and pushes Jeff out of the way.

ROSES
Now get one of us.

He tries to hug up on Lisette but she pushes him away just as the picture is taken.

ROSES (CONT'D)
(to photographer)
Sweet, get me a print of that, will you?

The photographer walks off. Lisette runs after her.

LISETTE
Hey, can I get a copy of those pictures?

PHOTOGRAPHER
Sure, meet me after school and I can get you a print.

LISETTE
Thanks.

Lisette runs back to the group of guys. When they see her coming back they quickly hide the guns again.

LISETTE (CONT'D)
What are you guys up to?

Her gaze lingers on Jeff a split-second longer than any of the others.

JEFF
Nothing. Why would we be planning anything?

LISETTE
Planning?

JEFF
Doing! Doing anything.

DEREK
I don’t even really know HOW to do things. Mostly.

JEFF
Me neither. I never learned how to do things. It’s been rough, but I have managed. Somehow. I don’t actually know how to do anything.

The bell RINGS for the next class period to start.

JEFF (CONT'D)
Except . . . be late . . . for class . . . again. Dammit! See you guys, gotta roll.

Jeff breaks off in a sprint down the hallway.

LISETTE
Bye Jeff!

Lisette turns to leave. Roses puts his arm around her shoulders and tries to walk with her.

ROSES
Hey, let me walk you to class.

Lisette takes his arm off of her shoulders as nicely as possible.

LISETTE
Uh, thanks Roses, but I got it. I’m a big girl now. You don’t have to protect me like you did when I was 12.

ROSES
All in a day’s work for your across the street neighbor. There are nefarious evildoers afoot as far as the eye can see.

He makes a grand gesture indicating the near-empty halls. Lisette opens a door and begins to walk into the classroom.

LISETTE
Yeah, but my class is right here. See ya.

JL walks up and grabs Roses by the shoulders, spinning him around to face the other direction.

JL
Class is this way, buckshot. Give it up anyway, she’s trying to swing on Jeff’s nutsatchels. You used nefarious in a sentence though, so good job. You get three Skittles and an atta-boy.

JL swats Roses hard on his rear end.

JL (CONT'D)
ATTA BOY! You’re gonna have to wait for the Skittles.

INT. CHEMISTRY CLASSROOM-DAY
MS. MANUAL, a 40-ish, straight-laced and bookish woman stands in front of the chalkboard explaining the day’s lesson. The room is totally silent until . . . Jeff bursts into the room, breathing heavily and carrying his books in one hand and his backpack in the other.

JEFF
Ms. Manual, you’re never going to believe what just happened. There was a guy out there just going on and on and on and on about how much he hated chemistry and all kinds of other bad stuff. Mostly about you, by the way. I told him I wasn’t going to tolerate that kind of nonsense and he hit me in my toe with his shoe. My toe! With his shoe!

Jeff animatedly starts to act out the fight he is describing.

JEFF (CONT'D)
So I was trying to defend your honor by whomping him all up in his grill with my backpack when my backpack broke and spilled my books all over the floor. You know how I feel about chemistry, it’s my favorite subject involving valence electrons and--

MS. MANUAL
Jeff, put your things down and come up to my desk, I want to show you something.

JEFF
Ma’am, yes ma’am.

Jeff smiles slyly and moves to the back of the class where he puts his books down at his desk next to WOODY, a Native American senior. Woody gives Jeff the Buffalo Clan handshake.

WOODY
Be careful dude, I think she might be having her ‘special time of the month’ or something.

MS. MANUAL
I heard that Mr. Woodson.

WOODY
See, she called me “Mister.” She’s not treating me like a minority today. Watch your back.

Jeff skips to the front of the class, stopping midway to talk to Susan.

JEFF
Hi Susan. Are you having a wonderful day today?

SUSAN
Uhh, I was.

JEFF
Awesome. Hey, would you like to have a wonderful night tonight to go along with your wonderful day that you were having until just recently? ‘Cause I know this really great restaurant that’s not too hard on the checkbook but really good for your tummy. Have you heard of the Taco Bell? To die for. Seriously. Me and you, some tacos, I’ll put on some mariachi music on my iPod, we can share headphones . . .

SUSAN
Not a chance.

MS. MANUAL
Jeff. Now!

JEFF
(to Susan, backpedaling)
Okay, but think about it. Free refills, you know.

Jeff turns and skips the rest of the way to the front of the class to Ms. Manual’s desk and stands next to a seated Ms. Manual. Jeff looks down at the open gradebook on the desk and points at it in disbelief.

JEFF (CONT'D)
Is that really his grade?! Woody, what are you doing? This class isn’t that hard buddy. You should totally be cheating off of me anyway dude. How are you pulling a 68 percent?

MS. MANUAL
Glass houses, Jeff. Look at your grade.

JEFF
70?! What?! How the f-f-fork? There’s no way I have a 70 in here. I got A’s on every test, I got A’s on every lab, I even got A’s on extra credit I didn’t need to do.

MS. MANUAL
Ahh, but what you somehow missed is the fact that every time you are tardy you lose 5 points, and I don’t have to tell you that every 5 points equals 2 percent of your grade because you are sooooo smart you already knew that.

JEFF
What?! When did this happen? No one ever told me about this.

MS. MANUAL
Oh, I must have announced that to the class on one of the days when you were, oh I don’t know, TARDY to my class. The world does not revolve around you Jeff.

JEFF
WHAT?! When did THAT happen?! No one told me about that either. This whole thing is a bunch of hoo haa hooey! I have an A in this class!

MS. MANUAL
No, you HAD an A in this class. Now you have a C. Barely. Welcome to the real world Jeff.

Jeff stomps back to his desk, mouths the word “motherfucker” at Woody.

WOODY
(whispering to Jeff)
Hey, I almost forgot to tell you. Every time you’re tardy to this class you lose 5 points. 70 percent, huh? Way to go, smartmouth.

JEFF
I’m going to stab you in the neck with your own face, prison stylee. At lunch. No more cheating off of me you son of a bitch. Besides, you sucked at it anyway. Fucking 70 percent.

INT. FLAGSTAFF HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM-DAY
A pep assembly for the basketball team. More than 1200 students crowd the gym. The members of the Buffalo Clan have staked out two rows in the front and center of the upper deck of the gymnasium. About fifteen other MEMBERS are also present, all dressed in the requisite bowling shirts of varying colors and talking among themselves instead of paying attention to the assembly. Jeff sits next to Derek, JL and Roses while Woody sits in the row behind them. Derek, Jeff and Roses all wear backpacks.

JEFF
Okay, so I don’t know if you know this or not, but Ms. Manual licks ass. Don’t know whose ass, could be a dude’s ass, could be a chick’s ass, all I know is that she licks ass. That rhymed. Hmmmm.
(thoughtfully)
She’s a sassy whore.

ROSES
So what’s up with your grade then? You gonna lose your scholarship?

JEFF
Man, I don’t know. I don’t think so. But how’s she gonna wait until my second semester senior year to try and give me my first C ever? I think I’m going to be on some serious extra credit here in the next couple of weeks. If I can get that up to a B I shouldn’t have to worry.

WOODY
Gotta wave that 4.0 goodbye, huh Jeff huh? Do you want a watch for your birthday? I’ll set it five minutes fast for you.

JEFF
Better than your 0.4 muthaknucka. Don’t think you’re going to escape the stabbing I promised you.

WOODY
I only kid because I care.

Woody reaches down and tries to hug Jeff. Jeff smiles and shrugs him off.

JEFF
I only stab because I like revenge.

DEREK
What’s this assembly for, anyway?

JL
Who knows? Is it over yet?

A couple of seconds later the general student body stands up and begins to file out of the gymnasium through two sets of double doors on the ground floor.

DEREK
Game time guys.

Derek, Jeff and Roses all stand so their backpacks are easily accessible to the Buffalo Clan members standing behind them. The members reach into the backpacks and pull out the egg launchers and begin firing eggs into the student body.

JEFF
Find me Ms. Manual. Where is she?

The egg launching continues at a frenzied pace. SCREAMS come from several girls as the egg barrage hits them.

WOODY
There she is dude. By the microphone.

JEFF
She’s mine!

Jeff pulls an egg launcher out of Woody’s hands. He locks his eyes on Ms. Manual and begins a SLOW MOTION emptying of his egg launcher while giving a classic Rambo scream.

JEFF (CONT'D)
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Derek and Roses immediately stop firing and display looks of extreme puzzlement. Jeff has spun 180 degrees from the general population and has blasted Woody with several eggs to the chest and face.

ROSES
(calmly)
Ummm, why would you do that?

WOODY
Yes! What the fuck?!

JEFF
Consider that your stabbing, slut. Ha haaaaaa! Time to make our escape, bitches.

In a well-rehearsed maneuver, the Clan Members pull the launchers from Jeff, Derek and Roses, pass them backwards through the ranks of other members and conceal them underneath a hollowed out floorboard in the upper level. Backpacks zip up and all tracks are covered.

DEREK
Woody, can you please throw the blame . . . NOW!

WOODY
You got it.

Woody grabs Jeff and Derek and gives them huge hugs, rubbing egg onto them. The three of them leap over the railing to the first level of the gym where pandemonium is still at a peak. The three of them treat the egg on their clothing as if it were blood.

DEREK
Why?! Whyyyyyyyyyyy!?

Derek grabs and rubs egg on as many people as possible to get the egg off of him. Woody does the same. Jeff makes a beeline for Ms. Manual, who is trying to herd students out of the double doors.

JEFF
Why would someone do that?! I was trying to show school spirit! Whyyyyyyy?!
Jeff falls to his knees in front of Ms. Manual and hugs her around the waist, getting egg all over her skirt. She is completely disgusted.

MS MANUAL
Jeff, get up. Now!

JEFF
(hysterical)
Whyyyyyyyyyyyy! Oh God! Why!?

CUT TO:
INT. LISETTE’S BEDROOM - DAY
Lisette walks into her girlishly decorated room. She takes three photos out of her backpack: the group shot of her with the Buffalo Clan, the shot of her with Jeff and the shot of her with Roses.

She takes the photo of her with Jeff and wedges it in the upper corner of her mirror. She takes the other photos and puts them on a corkboard filled with dozens of similar photos.

INT. VILLAGE INN RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Derek, JL, Roses and Woody sit at a round table with a couple of extra chairs available. Jeff comes walking up to the table, blatantly zipping his pants up.

JEFF
So that was fun. Did you guys order yet?

JL
No, not yet.

JEFF
Cool.

Jeff sits down in his chair and immediately YELPS in pain and falls out of his chair to the floor, holding his crotch and writhing in pain.

JEFF (CONT'D)
(in pain)
That sucked. Oh boy.

The WAITRESS walks up, puts five waters on the table and pauses when she notices Jeff on the floor.

WAITRESS
Is he okay?

WOODY
He who?

WAITRESS
The guy on the floor next to your table.

Woody looks under the table at Jeff.

WOODY
Oh, him. He’s fine. He does this all the time. Really.

Jeff claws his way back to his seat and winces in pain.

WAITRESS
Okay, well, I’ll be back to take your orders in a couple of minutes.

She leaves. Jeff rests his head on the table and takes some deep breaths.

DEREK
Sit on your balls again?

JEFF
Yes. Ask me a little louder.

OTHERS
(loudly)
Did you sit on your balls again!?

JEFF
Fuck off. Yes, and it very hurted.

ROSES
You’ve gotta stop going commando in those pants. And get some smaller balls. I think you can get some mail order from France. In bulk.

JL
So what are we doing tonight?

ROSES
There’s a 4-kegger at a house I know over by NAU. You guys want to check that out?

JL
Naw. Not really.

DEREK
I’m not in the mood to drink tonight really.

WOODY
Me either. I was just going to go back to my place and watch some Scarface. You guys down?

ROSES
Man, we did that last week.

WOODY
Yeah, but it never gets old to me.

ROSES
I’m headed to that party. I have to be more social and OH MY GOD look at those girl’s legs!

A very physically fit COLLEGE GIRL walks in and looks around as if she is looking for someone. Not seeing anyone she knows, she turns and leaves. The boys all turn to get a good look just before she leaves.

WOODY
Holy shit! That . . . was . . . AWESOME!

ROSES
That settles it. I’m in love. Those were the best lacrosse legs I have ever seen.

DEREK
Lacrosse legs? What the fuck are lacrosse legs? Can you get those in black?

WOODY
Yeah dude, what the fuck?

ROSES
Lacrosse legs. Like, it’s obvious she plays sports with legs like those.

JL
So why not call them ‘sports legs’ or ‘game legs’ or even ‘killer wheels man’?

ROSES
Because lacrosse is the sport.

JL
Do they even let girls play lacrosse? Don’t they just play field hockey or some shit like that?

ROSES
Lacrosse legs. That’s what I call them. Done and done.

WOODY
Great. Well guys, I’m going to take my football hand, grab this here H20 cup and put it up to my water drinking mouth and enjoy a tasty cold beverage. Cheers.

JEFF
Ooooh, be careful with that football hand, Woody. It’s not really meant for holding cups of water.

Susan and TWO FRIENDS come into the room with a HOSTESS and are seated right behind Jeff at a booth. Everyone can see her at the Buffalo Clan table except Jeff and they all roll their eyes at her entrance.

DEREK
Aw, shit.

JEFF
What? Wait. Do you smell that?

JL
Smell what?

JEFF
Susan.

Jeff turns quickly in his chair and sees Susan and her friends. He snaps back around in his seat.

JEFF (CONT'D)
(giddy)
She’s here. In the same room. She’s really really here.

DEREK
Jeff, calm down. Don’t do anything stupid.

JEFF
Who are you talking to? Stupid? Please. I just need to hear what she’s saying for a minute.

Jeff leans back in his chair to eavesdrop. Susan realizes he is listening in on her conversation and is very annoyed by this. He can’t quite make out the conversation so he scoots back a few inches. No luck. A few more inches. He leans back on two legs of his chair to get closer. He cups his hand around his ear to hear better. Finally.

SUSAN
. . . So my mom just shipped our houseboat up to Lake Powell and we’re going to have my graduation party up there. Do you think you can make it? We can--can I help you?

Susan turns to see Jeff’s head only inches from her own a little behind her line of sight. The legs on Jeff’s chair give way as he realized he has been spotted and he crashes to the floor. As soon as he hits the floor the waitress comes back to the Buffalo Clan table.

WAITRESS
(to Derek)
Is he still hurt?

DEREK
Nope. But his ego’s about to be.

Jeff clumsily extricates himself from his chair, which has somehow ended up on top of him.

JEFF
Faulty legs. Bad chair. Don’t know what happened. Red faced. Yikes.

He gets to his feet and picks up the chair.

JEFF (CONT'D)
Hi Susan.

SUSAN
Bye Jeff. Come on you guys, lets go someplace else.

She stands up and her two friends get up with her, sneering. The three girls walk past Jeff with their noses in the air. None of them look back. Jeff pushes his chair back to his own table.

JL
That went well.

JEFF
You’re telling me. She said my name. I’m so close.

WOODY
You’re retarded.

JEFF
She’s going to Lake Powell for her graduation party.

DEREK
So?

JEFF
So we have to go.

DEREK
You ARE retarded.

JEFF
Look, we graduate in what, a month? After this summer we’ll all go our separate ways. I know I’ll always be down with you guys, but some people, ahem, Susan, are most likely going to disappear from our lives forever--

ROSES
Not a moment too soon.

JEFF
--and I think we owe it to ourselves to put forth every effort to make sure we stay in contact with those who are important to us. That girl singlehandedly kept me showing up to school for the last 4 years, the least I can do is party with her at the lake to celebrate.

Derek, JL, Roses and Woody take a moment’s consideration.

ROSES
So you want us to accompany you to Lake Powell to crash Susan’s party after we graduate.

JEFF
Yes. Think how awesome a road trip that would be.

DEREK
It’s got trainwreck written all over it.

WOODY
(quickly)
I’m in.

JL
Me too.

Derek and Roses look skeptical.

JEFF
Look, we’ll roll up there the day we graduate, get a couple of hotel rooms, rent a boat and hang out on the lake for a week with our graduation money. At the worst you’ll have to wait outside the hotel room while I knock some shit loose from Susan. At the best you’ll learn to waterski and get a tan.

DEREK
Do I look like I need a tan?

ROSES
I do. I’m in.

JEFF
Come on, what’s the worst that can happen?

DEREK
Fuck it, I’ll go. For the trainwreck.

JEFF
Nice.

JL
(raising his glass)
To the trainwreck.

They all toast.

JEFF
Stop saying that.

EXT. VILLAGE INN RESTAURANT-NIGHT
The five boys come out of the restaurant and hang out in the parking lot for a few seconds. They part ways with the Buffalo handshake. Derek and Woody get into Derek’s car and drive off. Roses gets into his own car and drives away. JL and Jeff make their way to Jeff’s customized mid-size SUV. Near Jeff’s car, Lisette gets out of her car and walks up to Jeff.

LISETTE
Hey Jeff.

JEFF
Oh, hey Lisette. What’s up?

Lisette gives a look to JL and JL gets into Jeff’s car and watches intently through the windshield.

LISETTE
I was, ummmm, just wondering if maybe, ummmm, you might like to go to the Prom with me next weekend. If you don’t already have a date yet.

JEFF
(caught off guard)
Oh wow. I didn’t really plan on going, to tell you the truth. I’ve got so much other stuff going on. My grades are slipping, I’ve got a vendetta against a teacher I really need to work on and, ummm, my cat . . . has dandruff? Stuff.

LISETTE
(crushed)
Oh. Okay.

JEFF
But I’m flattered. Really. I wish I was going, ‘cause then I would go with you, maybe, among other people.

LISETTE
Other people?

JEFF
Look, its not coming out right. At all. I’m very flattered but I’m not going to the Prom. I’m sorry.

LISETTE
Okay. I understand.

JEFF
Look, I have to go, okay. And thanks, you just made my night.

Jeff gets in his car and backs out.

LISETTE
(under her breath)
You just ruined mine.

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT
Jeff and JL walk into a convenience store to get sodas and snacks.

JL
What was that all about?

JEFF
Oh, nothing. She just asked me to prom.

JL
No way! What’d you say?

JEFF
No. I told her no, that I had a bunch of other stuff going on and that I wasn’t going to prom.

JL
Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? Do you have eyes? Do you see the hotness and the heat and the overall warm temperatures of the girl who just asked YOU to prom? She’s fine, dude, FINE!

JEFF
Yeah, she’s pretty and whatever. But I can’t afford prom anyway. I have to save my money for Lake Powell after graduation. That’s way more important.

JL
I think, wait, yeah, I think I just quit being your friend. Yup. I did. You are way too stupid for me to hang out with. A girl as hot as Lisette asks you to prom and you tell her no. I really kind of want to kill you right now. Put you out of your misery.

The two of them approach the soda fountains. There is an “Out of Order” sign on the Mountain Dew nozzle.

JEFF
Don’t even worry about it, she’s not the one. Susan is. No Mountain Dew? Forget it. I can’t shop here.

JL grabs the biggest cup and begins to pour several different types of soda into his cup, seemingly at random.

JL
Don’t be such a bitch. Just grab a cup and start filling it. Mountain Dew isn’t the only drink. Oh, and don’t take this wrong bro, but Susan ain’t never going out with you. You’ve been after her for four years and whatcha got to show? Nothing. Give it up. Move on.

JEFF
I don’t want to get tied down before I get my chance with Susan. That’s all Lisette would do, tie me down.

Jeff grabs a cup and tries to get Mountain Dew from the broken nozzle. Nothing comes out. He keeps trying.

JL
She’s not a prison, dude, she’s a girl. And a hot one. You need to rethink your priorities.

JL finishes pouring his drink. He grabs Jeff’s cup from his hand and gives him his.

JL (CONT'D)
Here, try this.

He takes Jeff’s cup and begins to fill it with several different drinks like he did with his cup. Jeff takes a sip and after an initial skepticism decides it tastes pretty good.

JEFF
Hmmmm. Not bad.

JL
My own special recipe. Keep drinking, maybe you won’t be so stupid by the time you finish it.

JEFF
Look, if it makes you happy, I’ll call her if I don’t get with Susan before the end of our trip. How’s that?

JL
Don’t do it for me. Do what you like, just remember that she may not be there when you get back. You never know.

JEFF
A chance I’ve gotta take. This is four years in the making.

CUT TO:
INT. LISETTE’S CAR - VILLAGE INN PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Lisette sits in the driver’s seat and fights back tears. THREE GIRLS come from inside Village Inn to the parking lot. One of them recognizes Lisette’s car and knocks on the window.

GIRL #1
Hey Lisette, are you okay?

LISETTE
(composing herself)
Boy problems. You know how it goes.

GIRL #1
Yeah. Hey, I’ve got something to take your mind off of stupid high school boys. We know where a party is on NAU’s campus.

GIRL #2
Four kegger. Woooo-hoooo!

GIRL #1
Do you want to go with us?

LISETTE
It can’t be any worse than sitting here feeling sorry for myself. Okay, I’ll go.

INT. JEFF’S CAR - NIGHT
Jeff pulls up to JL’s house. JL gets out and leans in through the window.

JL
I’m going to go online now and book a room up at the lake.

JEFF
Cool. Let me know how much I owe you and I’ll float you some money.

JL
Aight. Hey Jeff. Think about what I said. Lisette. You know.

INT. DORM HALLWAY, NAU CAMPUS - NIGHT
A wild party taking up an entire hallway of the dorm is in full swing. People talk, laugh, dance and generally are inebriated. Lisette stumbles drunkenly down the hall. A very drunk RANDOM GUY runs up to her with a funnel and a tube in his hands.

RANDOM GUY
Beer bong!

Lisette does half of the beer bong, spills half on her clothes, and then drunkenly hugs Random Guy.

RANDOM GUY (CONT'D)
Uh oh. Looks like we’d better get you out of these wet clothes. My room’s upstairs.
Lisette grabs him by the face and looks him deep in his eyes.

LISETTE
I like your face.

He leads Lisette to the elevator.

CUT TO:
INT. DORM ROOM - MORNING
Lisette groggily wakes up in Random Guy’s bed. Her underwear are hanging from the light fixture on the ceiling next to Random Guy’s underwear. Her shoes are in the sink. Random Guy hangs off the bed with his head near a trash can. She quietly gets dressed and exits the room.

FOUR WEEKS LATER
INT. NAU SKYDOME - DAY
A graduation ceremony takes place. Among the faculty handing out diplomas on stage is Ms. Manual. As names are read by the PRINCIPAL students walk across the stage and accept their diplomas.

PRINCIPAL
Jeanne Simmons.

JEANNE SIMMONS accepts her diploma and walks from the stage.

PRINCIPAL (CONT'D)
Jeff Simons.

Jeff leaps onto the stage to accept his diploma. He shakes everyone on the stage’s hands as he crosses the stage. Just before he reaches Ms. Manual, he turns and raises his hands in triumph. A loud CHEER erupts from several places in the audience. As he brings his arms down from his victory pose, an egg falls into the palm of his right hand from the inside of his gown sleeve. He turns to Ms. Manual and gives her a big hearty handshake, smashing the egg into her palm. She tries to pull away but he keeps a firm grip and gently pulls her toward him so he can whisper in her ear.

JEFF
I can’t be stopped. 70 percent? Please. Full ride.

He kisses her sloppily on the cheek and runs from the stage, diploma raised.

CUT TO:
INT. NAU SKYDOME - CONTINUOUS
All of the students are seated in front of the stage.

PRINCIPAL
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the graduating class of 2010.

The graduates jump from their chairs, throw their hats high into the air and begin to hug each other with joy. In the confusion, Jeff and Susan hug each other. Susan quickly breaks the hug.

JEFF
(sober)
Hi. Congratulations.

SUSAN
Congratulations.

JEFF
Where are you celebrating tonight? I’m not hitting on you, by the way.

Susan smiles for the first time.

SUSAN
I’m heading up to Lake Powell to party on our houseboat. A bunch of us are going for the weekend. You’re welcome to come, I guess.

JEFF
Really?

SUSAN
Yeah. If you want. We’ll be up there until Monday.

JEFF
Okay, yeah, maybe.

Susan turns to leave.

JEFF (CONT'D)
Hey! What’s the name of your boat?

SUSAN
The Hindenburg. You can’t miss it.

JEFF
Hindenburg. Got it. Sweet name.

INT. JEFF’S HOUSE - AFTERNOON
Nearly 100 people crowd the front and back yards of the house. The Buffalo Clan graduates all walk around in their robes, celebrating. Lisette approaches Roses.

LISETTE
Roses, can I talk to you? In private.

CUT TO:
INT. BATHROOM - DAY
Roses sits on the toilet lid while Lisette stands and paces.

LISETTE
Okay, I’ve got a problem and you’re the only one who knows my dad the way I do, so I need your help.

ROSES
What’s up?

LISETTE
Well, I missed a period. I think.

ROSES
What, like on an English paper? School’s out girl, lighten up.

LISETTE
No. Biologically speaking, I think I missed a period.

ROSES
And?

LISETTE
And I think I might be pregnant.

ROSES
Pregnant. Right. You’re pregnant. Oh shit. Pregnant. Like with the babies and the crying and the pooping on themselves. Oh shit. Have you told your mom and dad yet?

LISETTE
No, just you.

ROSES
Have your boobs started growing yet? Do you need me to check?

LISETTE
Roses! No! This is serious. I think I’m pregnant and I don’t know how to tell my dad. I want to practice on you since you’ve known him since we were kids.

ROSES
Okay, okay. Here, I’ll pretend to be Poppa Lisette.

Roses looks directly at the camera.

ROSES (CONT'D)
Wow, my first real acting experience. Awesome. Okay let’s do this.

LISETTE
Okay. Here we go. Dad, I --

ROSES
(yelling)
Call me sir goddammit! I will not have this kind of insubordination taking place among my offspring. Go to your room young lady and don’t come out until you realize just how important I am. I’m the most brilliant police psychologist in the whole world. Bang zoom!

LISETTE
Roses, please!

ROSES
Okay, sorry. Just a little artistic license on my part. Artistic license, oooh, big words. Hooray me.

LISETTE
Okay, be serious now. Dad, I-

Roses draws air into his lungs and raises his finger in preparation for another tirade.

LISETTE (CONT'D)
(cutting him off)
Sir! I have a problem.

ROSES
What are you doing in here? Go away, I’m busy being smart. Leave me alone.

LISETTE
Roses!

ROSES
Okay, how can I be of assistance to you, dear daughter? Fruit of my loins. Biological result of my good times, ummmmmmm, veggie of my wedgie?

LISETTE
I have a problem. I think-

Roses gets up and puts his arm around her shoulder.

ROSES
And what’s this I hear about you having a problem?

LISETTE
Okay, I went to this party at NAU, right.

ROSES
You are correct. Go on.

LISETTE
And I kinda got really drunk.

ROSES
Illegal consumption. Go on.

LISETTE
And I ran into this guy, I don’t know his name or anything.

ROSES
Mysterious stranger. Proceed.

LISETTE
And, we kind of had sex, I guess.

ROSES
Statutory rape. And?

LISETTE
And I think I might be pregnant.

ROSES
Illegitimate child. Anything else?

LISETTE
No, that’s about it.

ROSES
Well, good work Lisette. Disappointed, disappointed, disappointed. You are in deep dookey? You know how I know?

LISETTE
Experience?

ROSES
No! Hell no! I know because I’m brilliant! I’m a genius. I’m the most important psychologist in the world. Bang zoom! And don’t you forget it. Now leave me alone, I’m going to do something spectacular with my cerebrum. Vanish!

LISETTE
You really think he’ll act like that?

ROSES
No, it’ll be more along the lines of . . . YOU WHAT! WITH WHO! Where is he?! I’ll castrate him! Then shoot him! Then castrate him again! Arrrrrrgghh! I’m gonna punch myself in the face!

LISETTE
No way. Well, maybe way. Oh shit. I’m in so much trouble.

ROSES
Honestly, it could go either way, but I lean toward the castration route myself.

A cowbell RINGS from downstairs.

ROSES (CONT'D)
Oooh, that’s for me. Gotta go. It’s time for me to make the special announcement.

LISETTE
What special announcement?

ROSES
THE special announcement. Let’s go.

CUT TO:
INT. JEFF’S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Jeff, Woody, JL and Derek stand on a platform in the middle of the room. All of the partygoers gather around the platform. The Buffalo Clan members put their hands up to quiet the crowd.

JEFF
We have a special announcement to make.

DEREK
A VERY special announcement. And we’re gonna make it, so pay attention.

WOODY
What we have here is a very special announcement about to be made, so adjust your schedule books accordingly.

JL
Please keep in mind that this announcement is, in fact, special. That means your expectations should be high. Please raise them.

JEFF
But only if you don’t mind.

JL
Well naturally. Raise them only if you have nothing better to do.

DEREK
But if you did have something better to do, you wouldn’t be here waiting for us to make our very special announcement. So raise those expectations.

WOODY
Do what he says. He’s black you know.

DEREK
That’s right. I am black. And I’m a black man who is about to make a very special announcement.

Roses walks into the room and jumps up onto the platform with the others.

ROSES
(to Woody)
What’s going on, Wood?

WOODY
We’re about to make the announcement.

ROSES
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a special announcement to make, and when I say special, I’m not playing around. So pay attention.

WOODY
(to Roses)
We already told them that.

ROSES
Oh, sorry.

Roses turns to the audience.

ROSES (CONT'D)
I’ve just been informed that you all already are aware of the special announcement about to be made. Please disregard my last statement. We can now go on with the announcement. Not the normal one, but the special one. Go ahead.

JEFF
Okay, it’s time to do the special announcement.

DEREK
(to the crowd)
Are you guys prepared to hear it?

CROWD
(annoyed)
YES!

DEREK
(to Jeff)
I think they’re ready dude.

JEFF
Okay, the special announcement. Can somebody give me a drumroll?

JL, Derek, Roses and Woody all look around on the platform. Woody leans to Jeff.

WOODY
There’s not a drumroll to be found. Do it a cappella.

JEFF
Okay. Let me concentrate here for a second. And, the announcement.
(a beat)
We’re leaving. Bye.

WOODY
Yeah, bye. Have a nice day.

They all wave, jump off the platform and head to the front door.

JL
Bye, see you later.

DEREK
Have fun without us.

WOODY
Au revoir. Auf weidersehen.

ROSES
Damn that sounds goofy coming from a Navajo.

WOODY
Eat a dick up Roses.

They close the door behind them, leaving everyone in the living room shocked. A beat, everyone goes back to partying. Lisette heads for the door, camera in hand.

EXT. JEFF’S DRIVEWAY - DAY
Lisette snaps several candid photos of Jeff as he walks to his car. She gets everyone’s attention.

LISETTE
Hey guys. Group photo.

The five boys pose for a group photo, then Jeff, Woody and JL get into Jeff’s car. Roses and Derek get into Derek’s car. Lisette runs up to the passenger side of Derek’s car. Roses gets out to talk to her.

LISETTE (CONT'D)
Where are you guys going?

ROSES
I can’t tell you. I’ve taken a holy Buffalo vow of silence.

LISETTE
You can tell me. I won’t tell anyone.

ROSES
Sorry.

LISETTE
Pleeeeeeeeeease?

ROSES
Your lovely feminine wiles will do you no good, though a naked boob might help. Nipples go quite far in my book.

LISETTE
Roses!

ROSES
Forget it then. This information is for me to know and for you to not know.

LISETTE
Pretty please?

ROSES
Without a boob in full view there is nothing I can do, so save your breath woman. You will get no information from me. It looks as if I have the upper hand here. I alone control things. I am the one in charge here.

Jeff HONKS his horn and raises his hands as if to ask what is taking so long.

ROSES (CONT'D)
Ooop. Gotta go. Bye.

LISETTE
Bye.

ROSES
Promise you’ll talk to your father.

LISETTE
I promise.

ROSES
(whispering)
We’re going to Page. Lake Powell. Shhhhh. Don’t tell anyone. I expect my private boob show when I get back.

Roses winks at Lisette and then gets into the car with Derek and they drive off, following Jeff. Everyone in the cars waves back at Lisette.

INT. JEFF’S CAR - DAY - MOVING

JEFF
We are free! Yes!

JL and Woody give whoops and hollers of joy. After whooping and hollering for several seconds, the boys eventually get tired of making so much noise and just look at each other and sigh.

JL
That was fun.

WOODY
Yeah. We should do that again.

JEFF
Sounds like a plan.

They whoop and holler again, reaching a crescendo that sounds like a full-blown Mexican fiesta and eventually simmers down to sighs again.

WOODY
We should graduate every day.

JL
Yeah. I wonder if Roses and Derek are having as much fun as we are.

CUT TO:
INT. DEREK’S CAR - DAY - MOVING
Derek and Roses sit in silence except for some music playing on the car stereo. Roses stares out the window for a few seconds before looking at the stereo.

ROSES
This music sucks. Who is this?

DEREK
You suck. You’re not allowed to comment on my music.

ROSES
Yeah, but this sucks.

DEREK
You have no taste.

Derek’s cellphone RINGS. He answers it.

DEREK (CONT'D)
Hello?

The Mexican fiesta from JL, Jeff and Woody. Derek holds the phone out so Roses can hear it. He lets the fiesta go on for several seconds before he hangs his phone up. Roses looks at Derek then at the radio, then at the phone.

ROSES
I fucking hate those guys.

DEREK
Me too.

ROSES
I hate this music, too.

DEREK
Eat a dick up, Roses.

ROSES
Why do people keep saying that to me?

DEREK
Because it’s fun to say. You should try it.

ROSES
Okay. Eat a dick up Derek. Hey, that is fun to say.

DEREK
Wrong! The correct turn of phrase is eat a dick up Roses. Not Derek. Roses. Big difference. Huge difference, actually.

ROSES
Interesting.
(a beat)
Hey, can I use your phone?

DEREK
What’s wrong with yours?

ROSES
Nothing, I just don’t have your mom’s number on mine and I want to call her to ask her what my balls taste like.

DEREK
You motherfucker.

ROSES
Exactly.

DEREK
Shut your lips.

EXT. GROCERY STORE PARKING LOT - DAY
Jeff sits on the back tailgate of his car, putting energy drinks into a cooler full of ice. JL sits on the other side of the cooler, snacking on an apple. Woody, Derek and Roses walk up to them holding bags of groceries from the store.

ROSES
Hey Jeff, can I ride with you?

JEFF
Why?

ROSES
Because Derek won’t let me call his mom to ask what my balls taste like. I need to know in case another girl asks.

DEREK
Trust me, your balls are going to go quite a long time in this life before they ever get a chance to be tasted.

WOODY
Yeah, I bet they’re virgin flavored.

ROSES
Oh, fuck off Woody. Your balls haven’t even dropped yet.

JEFF
Great. This is fun. You guys ready to take off? We have a two and a half hour drive ahead of us.

ROSES
I’m ready. I’m riding with you.

JEFF
Sorry, my car’s full.

ROSES
Oh yeah, I forgot to show you guys something.

He reaches into Derek’s car and pulls out a duffel bag. Inside the bag is a bottle of Southern Comfort whiskey.

ROSES (CONT'D)
Check it.

He displays the bottle proudly. The others are not impressed.

WOODY
Where the hell did you get that?

ROSES
My older brother gave it to me when I was a freshman. I’ve been saving it for four years.

JEFF
Keep that shit in Derek’s car. I don’t want anything to do with that.

ROSES
Come on guys. Four years!

JL
Wait until we get to Page. I’ll think about hitting that with you.

DEREK
Yeah, maybe in Page.

ROSES
Well then, let’s go to Page so I can finally crack this bitch open.

He jumps into Derek’s passenger seat and all of the others go to their respective seats in their respective cars and drive away.

INT. DEREK’S CAR - DAY - MOVING
Roses stares out the window in boredom, clearly not liking the music Derek is playing on the stereo. He grabs Derek’s iPod and begins scrolling through the songs.

DEREK
If you change the song you die.

ROSES
I die?

DEREK
Don’t you ever listen to Chris Tucker?

ROSES
Yeah, but this isn’t a radio. It’s an iPod.

DEREK
You’re playing with fire, dude.

ROSES
What’re you going to do to me? Kick me out of your car?

CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY 89 NORTH OF FLAGSTAFF - DAY
Derek’s car pulls out of the dirt on the side of the road. When the dirt clears, we see Roses standing next to the highway.

ROSES
(screaming at Derek’s car)
This isn’t funny Derek! It’s NOT FUCKING FUNNY!

INT. ARTHUR FIELDING’S DEN - DAY
Several psychology books crowd the shelves of the den. Certificates marking graduation from prestigious colleges adorn the walls alongside certificates of achievement for the Flagstaff Police Department. This is the sanctuary of a very important man.

Lisette works on the computer, downloading pictures and printing copies of her photos. Her father ARTHUR, a well-dressed man in his mid 40’s walks in.

ARTHUR
Hello honey.

He kisses her on the forehead and looks at the pictures on the screen. All of them are of Jeff.

ARTHUR (CONT'D)
What are you doing?

Arthur picks at a piece of lint in her hair. He smooths her hair lovingly.

LISETTE
Just downloading some pictures I took.

ARTHUR
Who’s the boy?

LISETTE
That’s Jeff.

ARTHUR
Jeff who? Jeff BOYFRIEND?

LISETTE
Jeff Simons. He’s just a friend of mine.

ARTHUR
A friend, huh? Looks like he might be more than a friend. Looks like someone has an obsession.

Arthur picks another piece of lint off of Lisette’s shoulder. He smooths her shirt where he picked the lint off.

LISETTE
I’m not obsessed daddy, just . . . crushing.

ARTHUR
Crushing? You have a crush on this boy? Does he know about it.

Arthur reaches into his desk and grabs a lint brush. He brushes the back of Lisette’s shirt. She pays it no mind.

LISETTE
Yeah, I think he does.

ARTHUR
Well, has he done anything about it?

LISETTE
Not really.

ARTHUR
Well then he’s an idiot. A big, goofy-looking idiot. With very poor taste in women.

LISETTE
Thanks daddy.

Arthur turns to leave.

LISETTE (CONT'D)
Daddy?

ARTHUR
Yes?

LISETTE
I have to talk to you and mom about, um, something important.

ARTHUR
Important, huh? Can it wait a few? I have a meeting in a little while down at the station.

LISETTE
Sure, it can wait.

ARTHUR
How about we go out to dinner tonight, just the three of us.

LISETTE
Okay daddy.

EXT. HIGHWAY 89 NORTH OF FLAGSTAFF - DAY
Roses stands pathetically by the side of the highway.

INT. DEREK’S CAR - DAY
Derek drives with an evil smile on his face. His phone RINGS.

DEREK
Hello.

JEFF
(V.O.)
Hey, why’d you stop back there?

DEREK
Oh, nothing major. I just kicked Roses out of my car.

JEFF
(V.O)
WHAT?

DEREK
I kicked him out of my car. He wouldn’t stop fucking with my radio.

JEFF
(V.O.)
Derek. Come on man. Seriously?

DEREK
Yeah. Rules are rules.

JEFF
(V.O.)
Dude. We’ve got a schedule to keep.

DEREK
(sighing)
Okay. I’ll go back and get him. We’ll meet you guys at the hotel. But if he touches my iPod again he’s definitely walking.

CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY 89 NORTH OF FLAGSTAFF - LATER
Roses sits angrily next to the highway. He stands up when Derek’s car pulls up to him. Derek opens the passenger door.

DEREK
Now, what lesson did we learn today?

ROSES
You’re a dead man!

Derek pulls his car forward so Roses can’t get in.

DEREK
What’s today’s lesson?

ROSES
That you’re a fucking asshole!

DEREK
Wrong answer.

Derek pulls his car forward again.

ROSES
Wait wait wait. Okay. Lesson learned. Let me in.

DEREK
And what was the lesson we learned?

ROSES
Don’t mess with your radio even though it’s really an iPod and technically not a radio.

DEREK
Congratulations! You earned a ride to Lake Powell! See, learning can be fun.

ROSES
(unhappy)
Hooray.

Derek picks up his phone and dials as he drives off. Jeff answers the phone.

JEFF
(V.O.)
Hello?

DEREK
The white sauce is back in the casserole. I repeat, the white sauce is back in the casserole.

JEFF
(V.O.)
What are you talking about?

DEREK
I picked up a hobo on the side of the road that looks like Roses. Only time will tell if I made the right decision though.

ROSES
Fuck off, dude! That’s not even funny.

JEFF
(V.O.)
Tell that hobo to watch his language.

DEREK
Watch your language, hobo. Nobody likes a hobo with a potty mouth.

ROSES
Stop calling me a hobo.

DEREK
Okay. Nobody likes a vagabond with doody lips.

ROSES
Vagabond? What the hell is a vagabond?

JEFF
(V.O.)
Yeah, I’m going to hang up now. You kids have a fun rest of your drive.

DEREK
I can assure you we won’t. See you up there.

Derek and Roses give each other sideways looks and drive in silence.

EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT - LATE AFTERNOON
Jeff, JL and Woody pull suitcases and duffel bags out of the back of Jeff’s car. Derek parks next to Jeff’s car. Roses gets out before the car even comes to a full stop and gets right in Jeff’s face.

ROSES
I’m not riding with him anymore.
(to Derek)
I’M NOT RIDING WITH YOU ANYMORE!

Roses stomps off, following Woody to the hotel room. Derek gets out of his car smiling. JL and Jeff stay behind to talk to Derek.

DEREK
I didn’t think he’d get that mad.

They all put their hands on their hips and look out at the beautiful landscape in front of them. They all sigh for a long beat.

DEREK (CONT'D)
Ah well.

JL
Yup, tough shit. Life goes on. I’m hungry.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - AFTERNOON
Derek, Jeff and JL walk into the hotel room. Roses and Woody are both stretched out on both of the queen sized beds in the room.

JL
Oh hell no! I got a bed. I put this room on my card.

WOODY
First come first served man. You shoulda got here earlier.

JL
Dude, I made the reservations for this place.

WOODY
Then you should have reserved an extra bed for yourself.

ROSES
Yeah, we got here first. We get the beds.

JL, Jeff and Derek share a look that says, “we’ll see who gets the beds.”

JL
Okay. The beds are yours.

DEREK
Let’s go get something to eat.

ROSES
That’s the first smart thing you’ve said all day.

Roses and Woody get up. Just as they do, Jeff hits Woody in the back of his legs with his duffel bag, knocking Woody to the floor on his hands and knees.
WOODY
What the fuck?!

JL steps on Woody’s back and does a Superman dive across the room onto the far bed.

JL
Ah HA!
Roses sees what is happening and makes a quick lunge to get back on his bed. He is a split second too late and lands on top of a spread-eagled JL.

JL (CONT'D)
Too late sucka! The bed is mine.

Jeff and Derek both dive onto the bed Woody left open.

JEFF
Safe!

Woody jumps up.

WOODY
What the hell dude?

JL and Roses jockey for position on the bed. JL finally gives Roses some space and they both claim their spots, leaving Woody as the only one standing.

WOODY (CONT'D)
Once again, the white man takes my rightful place away from me. You guys suck.

DEREK
Survival of the fittest, dude.

WOODY
Are we gonna get something to eat or what?

JL
Yeah, okay.

JL, Derek and Jeff get off the beds and walk to the door of the hotel room. Roses sprawls on the bed.

ROSES
I’m not going anywhere. This bed is mine. Bring me back some food.

JL
I’m not bringing you anything.

JEFF
Come on Roses. Let’s get some dinner.

Roses grabs the sides of the bed in a death grip.

ROSES
I am not moving. This bed is mine.

JEFF
Suit yourself.

Jeff turns and leaves. JL, Woody and Derek pause for a second and then follow Jeff out the door.

WOODY
Later, dummy.

INT. NICE RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Lisette, Arthur and TRINA, mother of Lisette and a very pretty woman in her early 40’s, are eating dinner at a nice restaurant. Lisette looks distressed and clears her throat.

LISETTE
I need to tell you guys something. Something important.

ARTHUR
Honey, everything you say is important to us.

He leans over and brushes her hair with his hand, mussing her hair a bit. He runs his fingers through her hair trying to fix what he messed up. He can’t get it quite right so he starts to use both hands to fix her hair.

TRINA
Honey, stop playing with her hair. We’re in public.

ARTHUR
I know. I know. But that one piece there is messed up.

TRINA
So let it be messed up.

ARTHUR
But we’re in public. Appearances are very important.

Lisette takes a very deep breath and closes her eyes as if summoning strength.

TRINA
They’re not that important.

ARTHUR
All I’m trying to do is make sure our daughter is presentable in a public situa--

Lisette puts down her fork.

LISETTE
I’m pregnant.

ARTHUR
--tion. Excuse me?

LISETTE
I’m pregnant.

ARTHUR
What kind of pregnant?

TRINA
Oh dear.

ARTHUR
What kind of pregnant are you? Exactly?

LISETTE
Ummm, I--

Arthur retains as much composure as possible in the public situation, resulting in a barely controlled rage bordering on tantrum.

ARTHUR
Whatkindofpregnant?!

LISETTE
Dad, calm down. Please.

ARTHUR
(increasingly agitated)
Whatkindofpregnant?! Whatkind?!

LISETTE
Pregnant. With child. I think I am pregnant.

ARTHUR
Right.

Arthur folds his napkin neatly into a square and dips the napkin in his water. He dry heaves a couple of times and begins wiping his face down with the wet napkin.

TRINA
Honey, calm down.

Arthur dry heaves again.

ARTHUR
I’m calm. Right as rain. Isn’t that the saying? Right as rain?

Arthur dips his napkin in the water, saturates it and squeezes the water from his napkin over the top of his head.

ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Is it hot in here? Just me, huh? Okay.

Another dry heave.

ARTHUR (CONT'D)
I think I should probably go. Something doesn’t feel right.

LISETTE
Daddy, I--

Arthur holds up a finger and stops her sentence. He reaches over and grabs the one hair that was out of place on her head and pulls it out at the root.

LISETTE (CONT'D)
Ouch!

ARTHUR
Got it. Ha ha! Perfect.

A WAITER comes to the table.

WAITER
Is everything okay here?

ARTHUR
Oh yes, yes. You wouldn’t happen to have a door somewhere. A door that leads, you know, outside of here. A door to outside.

WAITER
A door to outside? You mean like the front door?

ARTHUR
Yes. Or a back door. Or a side door. Or a roof hatch. Something that leads outside.

WAITER
The front door’s right over there.

ARTHUR
Great. Thanks. I’m going to go walk through it and see if it works.

WAITER
I can assure you it does. Both ways even.

ARTHUR
Nice. Just what I’m looking for.

Arthur kisses Trina and Lisette on the cheek and makes for the door.

ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Don’t wait up for me.

Lisette and Trina sit in stunned silence as Arthur leaves. After a beat they both shrug their shoulders and continue eating.

TRINA
You’re not really pregnant are you?

LISETTE
I haven’t taken a test yet, but my period is almost a month late.

TRINA
Oh dear.

LISETTE
Is daddy going to be okay?

TRINA
I hope so. He probably just needs some time to cool off.

EXT. BUSY STREET-NIGHT
Arthur walks down the street in a daze, talking to himself.

INT. RESTAURANT-NIGHT
Jeff, JL, Derek and Woody enjoy a nice meal.

CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL ROOM-SAME
Roses holds the death grip on the edge of the bed with one hand. With the other, he reaches into his duffel bag and grabs the bottle of Southern Comfort.

ROSES
Looks like I’ll be the only one enjoying this.

He cracks the bottle open and takes a swig that burns his throat. He recovers and takes another swig. The A/C unit on the wall suddenly CLANKS and shuts off.

ROSES (CONT'D)
What the hell was that?

CUT TO:
EXT. PUTT-PUTT GOLF COURSE-NIGHT
Jeff, JL, Derek and Woody play a round of miniature golf, laughing and joking the whole time.

CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL ROOM-SAME
Roses is pooled in sweat, holding the death grip on the bed. A little less than half of the bottle of Southern Comfort is gone from the bottle sitting on the nightstand. Finally:

ROSES
Ahh! I can’t take it.

He dials 0 on the hotel phone.

ROSES (CONT'D)
Hello, this is room 217. I think the A/C unit went out. Can you send someone to fix it? I’m dying in here.

EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT-LATER
Jeff, JL, Derek and Woody exit Jeff’s car. They walk to the room.

WOODY
All hail the putt-putt golf champion. Bow to my mad skills.

DEREK
Dude, you cheated the whole damn game.

JL
Yeah you did. All hail the putt-putt golf cheating champion. I would get you a trophy but I don’t think I could find one of a guy writing down the wrong score fourteen times.

WOODY
I didn’t write down the wrong score fourteen times.

JL
Okay, fifteen. My bad.

WOODY
You’re just jealous. It’s okay to admit it.

JL
Yeah. I’m jealous of your ability to putt a ball through a clown’s mouth and then write down the wrong numbers on the scorecard.

DEREK
I’m going to warn the accounting professors at NAU to watch out for you.

They reach the hotel room door and walk in.

INT. HOTEL ROOM-SAME
Three oscillating floor fans cool the room. Roses is passed out on the bed, the empty bottle of Southern Comfort clutched to his chest.

JL
That asshole drank it all.

JEFF
What the hell is going on here? What’s wrong with the air conditioning?

Jeff walks to the A/C unit and bangs on it. Roses wakes up, drunk.

ROSES
Hi guys! Something’s wrong with the air. It’s hot. All of it is hot.

Roses takes his shirt off.

ROSES (CONT'D)
So hot in here.

DEREK
Whoa dude! Keep your clothes on.

ROSES
It’s hot and the air is broken. And the conditioning is broken too. I’m hungry.

Woody tosses him a bag.

WOODY
We brought you some breadsticks. I tried to bring you more but I ate it all. Sorry.

Roses tears at the bag and eats ravenously.

ROSES
Yummy.

INT. POLICE STATION-NIGHT
Arthur sits at his desk. He pulls up information on Jeff Simons and writes down Jeff’s home address.

ARTHUR
Gotcha.

Arthur calmly closes up his office and walks out.

CUT TO:
INT. LISETTE’S LIVING ROOM-NIGHT
Lisette and Trina wait on the couch, worried. When the clock strikes 11 PM Arthur walks through the door.

LISETTE
Daddy!

ARTHUR
I thought I told you guys not to wait up for me.

LISETTE
We were worried about you.

ARTHUR
Worried, why? I’m perfectly fine. I was just informed by my 17-year-old daughter that she is pregnant. I think I have a right to spend some time by myself to clear my head.

LISETTE
Daddy, I haven’t even taken the test yet. I’m not even really sure if I’m pregnant or not.

ARTHUR
Lisette, whatever happens, you will still be my baby girl and I will love you. I just needed some time to process that.

TRINA
Are you sure you’re okay Arthur? You seem a bit . . . off.

ARTHUR
Right as rain. I looked it up. Right as rain. Now, let’s all go to bed, shall we?

Lisette hugs Arthur and they walk upstairs together. Trina stays back in the living room, slightly concerned.

INT. HOTEL ROOM-NIGHT
Roses is passed out on the bed again. Jeff, JL, Derek and Woody watch a baseball game on TV.

WOODY
This game sucks. Let’s do something.

DEREK
Do what? Nothing’s open this late.

WOODY
I know.

Woody goes into the bathroom and gets a can of shaving cream. He puts a large amount into Roses’ hands and begins tickling his nose with a shoelace.
Roses slaps at his face to alleviate the itch, smearing shaving cream all over his face. The others laugh hysterically.

DEREK
Wait, I’ve got one.

Derek grabs some tweezers out of his toiletry bag and a quarter off the night stand. He holds the quarter with the tweezers, finds some matches in the night stand and lights a match underneath the quarter.

JL
What are you doing?

DEREK
I’m hooking this bitch up. Light me another match.

Derek lights enough matches to make the quarter blazing hot, then he drops the burning quarter on Roses’ forehead. Roses snatches at it with his shaving cream covered hands but never really wakes up. More hysterical laughter from the boys. JL grabs another quarter and hands it to Derek.

JL
Do another one.

CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL ROOM-LATE NIGHT
Derek and Jeff sleep soundly while sharing a bed. Derek is under the covers and Jeff sleeps on top of them. Woody sleeps on the floor in between the two beds. JL and Roses share a bed with JL under the covers and Roses on top, his face still covered in shaving cream.

An oscillating fan blows over all 5 of them.

Roses drunkenly gets out of bed and stumbles around the room. He tries to open the front door but finds it locked. He stumbles back into the main part of the room and stands behind the fan. He unzips his pants and begins peeing into the fan.
The fan sprays his urine over the others in the room. Jeff slowly comes to his senses when he realizes his face is getting wet. He licks his lips a couple of times before making the connection between the taste and the situation. He jumps out of bed.

JEFF
What the FUCK!

The others immediately wake up. They scramble to get out of the line of fire.

JEFF (CONT'D)
ROSES! What the fuck are you doing?!

Roses, still half asleep and fully drunk, continues peeing in the fan.

ROSES
Stop staring at me!

DEREK
Stop pissing in the fan you dumbshit!

ROSES
Why are you yelling at me? Stop looking at me!

JL
Roses!

ROSES
You’re embarrassing me! Stop it! I have to pee. Leave me alone.

WOODY
Why don’t you go to the bathroom for that?

ROSES
This is the bathroom. Why are you in here?

JL
This is the fucking hotel room!

ROSES
Stop yelling at me! I’m trying to pee.

DEREK
You’re a dead man.

CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL ROOM-MORNING
Jeff and JL sleep on the floor by the front door of the hotel room. Derek sleeps on the chest of drawers and Woody sleeps sitting up in one of the chairs.
All of the sheets and blankets from the beds are in a large pile in the center of the room, tied tightly into a knot at the top. Roses is nowhere to be seen.

EXT. JEFF'S HOUSE-MORNING
Arthur pulls up in his car, walks to the front door and knocks. Jeff’s mother, VIVIAN, answers the door in a bathrobe and severe bedhead. She obviously had a wild night.

VIVIAN
Can I help you?

ARTHUR
Good morning ma’am. My name is Arthur Fielding, I am a detective with the Flagstaff Police Department.

He flips out his badge.

ARTHUR (CONT'D)
I’m looking for Jeff. Is he here?

VIVIAN
Jeff? Is he in some sort of trouble?

Arthur absentmindedly puts his hand on his hip and taps the butt of his gun.

ARTHUR
Oh, nothing we can’t take care of. He is a possible witness for a case I’m working on. I just wanted to touch base with him.

VIVIAN
Well, he and his friends went to Lake Powell for the week. Or weekend. He didn’t really say how long he’d be gone.

ARTHUR
Is he out on the lake?

VIVIAN
Oh no. They got a hotel room somewhere up there. Would you like his phone number? Or would you like to leave yours so I can have him give you a call?

ARTHUR
No ma’am. I already have his number. Guess I should have called before I came over.

Arthur pulls out the sheet he printed at the police department and looks it over.

ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Hey, is he still driving that black SUV of his?

VIVIAN
Yes he is. He’ll be driving that until he graduates college unless he wins the lottery.

ARTHUR
Great. Thanks for the information. I’ll look him up when he gets back into town.

VIVIAN
You’re welcome. Have a nice day.

Arthur goes back to his car and peels out.

INT. HOTEL ROOM-MORNING
The pile of bedsheets moves slightly a couple of times. A pause. Something inside tears at the sheets trying to get out. Roses is trapped inside.

ROSES
Guys! Guys! Let me out!

Jeff slowly wakes up. He gets JL, Woody and Derek up quietly. They surround the pile of sheets.

ROSES (CONT'D)
Guys! Come on! It smells like piss in here! Let me out!

JEFF
Sorry Roses, we are heading out for breakfast. Do you need anything?

ROSES
Let me out of here!

Roses fights violently to get out of the sheets to no avail.

JEFF
Okay, well, if you think of anything, give us a call. See ya.

Jeff walks over to the door and opens it.

JL
You sure you don’t need anything?

ROSES
Let me out!

DEREK
No can do, buckshot. Breakfast awaits. Denny’s Grand Slam. No waiting around for that.

ROSES
Let me out! You know how I feel about Denny’s. Don’t you dare go there without me.

WOODY
Okay Roses, we’ll meet you there then.

Jeff, JL, Derek and Woody walk to the front door and act like they are leaving. They close the door without exiting. They hold back giggles while they try to maintain silence. Roses fights with the sheets. Finally he gets a leg out, then slowly extricates himself from the covers. He looks up to see everyone laughing at him.

ROSES
Dude, that shit isn’t funny. I could have died in there.

WOODY
You could die anywhere. Why not do it in the safety of a sheet cocoon?

ROSES
It smelled like piss in there. Did you guys pee on me?

DEREK
You’re lucky to be alive right now, don’t bring up bad shit. You pissed on all of us last night you drunk asshole.

Derek points to a fan that isn’t working.

WOODY
Yeah, you used that as a toilet. How exactly did you graduate high school?

ROSES
I did not use that as a toilet. Come on.

Derek pulls out a cell phone and shows Roses a video of Roses peeing into the fan. The video cuts off just as the fan oscillates in Derek’s direction.

DEREK
You’re lucky my phone still works. Otherwise you really would be dead.

ROSES
Ummm. Oops.

DEREK
Yeah, oops. Like when I sent that video to your mom last night at three in the morning.

ROSES
How do you have my mom’s--

DEREK
Don’t ask questions you don’t really want to know the answers to. She likes to play hide the pickle, what can I say?

ROSES
You don’t have her number.

DEREK
Let’s see. You tell me her number and I will see if it matches the one I sent that video to.

Roses rattles off a phone number. Derek enters the numbers into his phone while Roses isn’t paying attention.

DEREK (CONT'D)
What were those last two again?

ROSES
Seven seven.

DEREK
Yeah, that’s what I thought. Aaaaand SEND!

Derek makes a big show out of pushing the send button on his phone.

DEREK (CONT'D)
Now she is really getting that video. And you, sir, are an idiot.

ROSES
No!

INT. ROSES’ MOM’S KITCHEN-SAME
PHYLICIA, Roses’ mother, a prissy woman in her late 40’s, holds a chihuahua as she watches her maid, CARMELITA do the dishes.

PHYLICIA
No Carmelita, you have to rinse those off before you put them in the washer. Before.
Her phone vibrates. She pulls it out of her purse and opens the video message.

ROSES
(V.O., on the phone)
Stop staring at me! You’re embarrassing me! Stop!

She drops the phone and the dog and dramatically crumbles to a heap on the floor.

CARMELITA
Senora? Ay!

The maid runs over and slaps Phylicia hard across the face.

CARMELITA (CONT'D)
Wake up misses. Wake up.

Two more hard slaps across the face do nothing to wake her up.

INT. HOTEL ROOM-SAME
Roses runs to Derek and grabs him by the shoulders.

ROSES
Tell me you didn’t! Tell me you didn’t send that to my mom!

Derek holds up his phone and shows Roses the screen which reads: MESSAGE SENT.

ROSES (CONT'D)
Dude, you just torched me. My mom is going to kill me.

DEREK
Don’t worry about it dude. Why don’t you grab a shower so we can go get breakfast.

ROSES
Don’t worry about it? My mom is not a “don’t worry about it” type of person. When she sees that she is going to have a fit. If she doesn’t call me in two minutes I’ll be surprised.

DEREK
So don’t answer your phone for a couple of days. Just send her a text message to let her know you’re okay and forget about it until we get back home. It’ll blow over.

ROSES
Yeah, my mom will not be ignored.

JL
Well, she’s going to have to be ignored because you smell like piss. Hurry up and take a shower so we can eat.

ROSES
Alright, I’m going. But if my mom calls, don’t answer the phone, okay?

JL
Okay. Hurry up.

INT. ROSES’ MOM’S KITCHEN-SAME
Carmelita slaps Phylicia two more times across the face. Phylicia slowly comes to.

CARMELITA
Hello miss. You fall down.

PHYLICIA
What happened? Why am I on the floor.

CARMELITA
You fall down. Drop dog.

The dog runs up and licks Phylicia in the face. She grabs him and stands up.

PHYLICIA
Well why did I fall down? I don’t remember.

Carmelita grabs Phylicia’s phone and hands it to her.

CARMELITA
Something on phone.

PHYLICIA
Oh yes. The phone message. My brilliant, wonderful son, newly graduated from high school, preparing to face life head on by peeing into a fan. It’s obvious he got his father’s genes.

She dials the phone.

PHYLICIA (CONT'D)
We’ll just see what he has to say for himself.

INT. HOTEL ROOM-SAME
Roses is in the shower. JL, Jeff and Woody stand outside the door, each holding two buckets of ice. Derek stands behind them with Roses’ phone. The phone RINGS.

DEREK
Oh shit, it’s Roses’ mom. Should I answer it?

JEFF
I have an idea. Answer the phone on three. One. Two.

Jeff bursts through the bathroom door, JL and Woody close behind him.

JEFF (CONT'D)
Three!

Derek presses the answer button on the phone and holds the phone up. Jeff, JL and Woody dump their buckets of ice over the top of the shower curtain.

ROSES
Oh motherfuckers! You shit eating eaters of other people’s shit. You fucking whores! You filthy, filthy slut bitches. What the fuck!

Derek makes a show of pushing the END button on the phone.

DEREK
Mission complete.

CUT TO:
INT. ROSES’ MOM’S KITCHEN-SAME
Phylicia is on the floor in a dead faint.

EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT-MORNING
Derek, JL, Woody, Jeff and Roses walk to their cars in the parking lot. Roses plays with his phone while he walks.

ROSES
Please tell me you guys are done punking me. I apologized for last night. What else do you want from me?

DEREK
Oh, I think we’re pretty much even. I will call a truce if you will.

ROSES
Hey, I never wanted a war in the first place. Definitely a truce.

JEFF
Truce.

JL
Truce.

WOODY
I slept on the floor last night because of you, fuck you. Okay, now I’m over it, truce.

ROSES
Hey, how come it says I have a 24 second phone call with my mom this morning? I never talked to my mom.

DEREK
I don’t know. Maybe you peed on your phone last night and it’s messed up.

ROSES
Damn, I hope not. My mom’ll kill me if anything happens to this phone.

WOODY
Yeah, probably, huh?

ROSES
You have no idea. No idea.

EXT. HIGHWAY 89 NORTH OF FLAGSTAFF-LATE MORNING
Arthur drives past a sign that reads: LAKE POWELL 96 MILES.

INT. ROSES’ MOM’S KITCHEN-MORNING
Carmelita slaps Phylicia awake.

PHYLICIA
Again?

CARMELITA
Again.

PHYLICIA
It’s not even 10 yet. He’s on pace for a new record. Time to nip this in the bud.
Phylicia dials Roses’ number on her cell phone.

INT. DEREK’S CAR-DAY-MOVING
Roses’ phone rings. He looks at it in terror.

ROSES
Dude, my mom’s calling.

DEREK
You should answer it, see how she’s doing.

ROSES
I can’t. She’s going to kill me.

DEREK
Through the phone? Come on. Sack up and answer that.

ROSES
Dude, this is bad. You have no idea.

DEREK
Put her on speakerphone. Let me hear how bad this is.

ROSES
You asked for it.

Roses puts his phone up on the dashboard and takes the call.

ROSES (CONT'D)
Hello?

PHYLICIA
Who is this?

ROSES
This is your son.

PHYLICIA
Which son? The one who graduated high school with a 3.8 grade point average or the son that took a video of himself drunkenly peeing into an oscillating fan?

ROSES
Umm-

PHYLICIA
Or is it the son who called me to scream profanities into my ear? Filthy slut bitches? Shit eating eaters of other people’s shit?

ROSES
Shit eating what? When did I-

PHYLICIA
Is this the son I raised? The son who resorts to potty humor both physically and verbally?

ROSES
No mom, I-

PHYLICIA
Can I tell you a story?

ROSES
Uh oh.

DEREK
What?

Roses shakes his head, he knows what’s coming.

PHYLICIA
A little over eighteen years ago I went into labor. Just an ordinary labor that ordinary women have when their body decides to shove something the size of a cantaloupe through a hole the size of a ping pong ball . . .

DEREK
(whispering)
Your mom was tight, nice.

Roses punches Derek in the arm.

PHYLICIA
So nothing special really. Have you ever tried to poop out a cantaloupe son?

ROSES
No mom.

DEREK
(whispering)
Your mom said poop. Ha ha!

PHYLICIA
Well, let me tell you, you wouldn’t be able to do it without a gallon of morphine. But did I get an epidural? No way. My baby boy was not going to come into this world drugged out. I didn’t even ask for a Tylenol.

ROSES
Thanks mom, I appreciate that.

PHYLICIA
So my ordinary labor, my completely natural and drug-free labor went on. And on. And on. For thirty seven hours it went, the whole time with the doctor begging me to take an epidural to ease the pain. And for thirty seven hours I refused out of love for my baby boy.

ROSES
I can’t tell you how much I want to thank you for that.

PHYLICIA
And then, after thirty seven hours of labor, my baby finally made his way through my vaginal canal--

Derek and Roses both grimace at the word “vaginal.”

PHYLICIA (CONT'D)
--and came into the world.

Derek pats Roses on the back.

DEREK
(whispering)
Good job buddy.

PHYLICIA
But along the way, after thirty seven hours of labor and no drugs, what did my lovely bouncing baby boy decide to do along the way?

DEREK
(whispering)
How many hours was it again? I don’t think she mentioned that.

PHYLICIA
He decided to rip me open on his way out. He ripped me open! From the pee-hole to the asshole! I had one giant hole down there to do everything with thanks to my wonderful son.

Derek is completely disgusted.

DEREK
(whispering)
Please tell me she got that fixed.

PHYLICIA
Your dad, of course, thought it was hilarious. He called me Crotchclops for years afterward.

ROSES
I thought you got that fixed.
(whispering, to Derek)
He still calls her that, but it all makes sense now.

PHYLICIA
Don’t interrupt me. Of course I got that fixed. They sewed me up with what felt like 12 gauge baling wire and sent me on my way. So you can imagine my dismay when I received not one but TWO horrifying messages from my son today. It just goes to prove that you haven’t grown out of being a pain in my ass after all these years.

ROSES
Mom, I-

PHYLICIA
A giant pain in the ass. Have you ever been ripped from your peehole to your asshole son?

ROSES
No ma’am.

PHYLICIA
Would you like for me to make that happen for you? So you can see what it feels like?

ROSES
No ma’am.

PHYLICIA
Then let me make it perfectly clear to you. If I EVER receive another video message or phone call like the ones I received earlier today, you will be the recipient of the type of injury that only Oprah can heal. Do you understand me?

ROSES
No ma--I mean yes ma’am.

PHYLICIA
Good. Now, what are you boys up to today besides giving each other golden showers and using filthy language?

ROSES
We’re just going out to breakfast. Denny’s.

PHYLICIA
Ooh, Denny’s. Get yourself a Grand Slam and never, EVER send me a message like the ones you sent again.

ROSES
Will do.

PHYLICIA
Love you.

ROSES
Love you mom.

They hang up their respective phones.

DEREK
Ohhh, Roses loves his mommy.

ROSES
Dude, stop.

DEREK
Hey, I love her too. Especially that giant hole she has in her crotch. Sometimes I put on scuba gear and go throw my boomerang around in there.

ROSES
Why do you need scuba gear for that?

DEREK
Of all the questions in the world you could ask, is one related to scuba gear really the one you think is important at this point?

EXT. DENNY’S RESTAURANT-MORNING
Jeff, J.L., Derek, Roses and Woody walk out of the restaurant. Roses rubs his belly in satisfaction.

WOODY
Crotchclops huh? Roses, you should really send her a thank you card.

JL
Or a sympathy card.

JEFF
We should send her one of those.

DEREK
Good idea, stop off somewhere so we can get one.

JEFF
No can do. We’ve got a time line to keep. Gotta go check out Susan’s party on her boat.

DEREK
You sure you want to do this?

JEFF
It’s what we came here for, isn’t it?

WOODY
Not me. I came to get pissed on in the middle of the night by a big goofy white boy. Mission accomplished. I can go home at any time and be okay with it.

JEFF
I’m going to that party. You guys don’t have to come, but that’s really all I care about at this point.

JL
I already told you, I’m in this for the long haul.

JEFF
Alright.

EXT. HIGHWAY 89 NORTH OF FLAGSTAFF-SAME
Arthur drives past a road sign that reads: LAKE POWELL 22 MILES.

INT. LISETTE’S LIVING ROOM-SAME
Trina sits on the couch, reading a gossip magazine. Lisette walks into the room carrying a golf bag.

LISETTE
Hey mom, have you seen dad?

TRINA
No honey. I think he had to work this morning.

LISETTE
I thought he had the weekend off. We were supposed to go to the driving range this morning.

TRINA
Hmm. He left pretty early. About 7 or so. Maybe you should call him. See where he is.

Lisette pulls out her cell phone and dials.

INT. ARTHUR’S CAR-SAME
Arthur’s cell phone rings. He looks at the caller ID and answers it by putting it on speaker phone.

ARTHUR
Hey honey. How’s my little baby doing?

The thought of a baby hits him.

ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Baby. Baby? Ugh.

LISETTE
(V.O.)
Hey daddy. Where are you? We were supposed to go hit some golf balls this morning.

Arthur slaps his hand on the steering wheel.

ARTHUR
Oh no! I completely forgot, Lisette. I’m so sorry.

LISETTE
(V.O.)
Where are you? It sounds like you’re in a car.

ARTHUR
I am. I had to work on a case. I probably won’t be back until later tonight. I’m on the road right now and will be for a while. I’m sorry honey.

LISETTE
(V.O.)
Where are you?

ARTHUR
Nowhere important. I’m just--SHEEP!

A flock of sheep covers the highway in front of Arthur’s car. He slams on his brakes, fishtails across the highway and crashes into the ditch, causing his driver’s side window to shatter. Arthur is unhurt but slightly dazed.
The OnStar system in his car activates after a few seconds.

ONSTAR REP
We’ve just received notification of a front end impact. Are all the passengers in the vehicle okay?

LISETTE
(V.O.)
Daddy? Daddy? Are you okay? What are you talking about sheep for?

ONSTAR REP
Is everyone okay in the vehicle?

ARTHUR
I’m okay. There were sheep in the road. Millions of sheep in the road.

Arthur searches for the cell phone he dropped in the accident. When he turns to look in the backseat he comes face to face with a goat. They stare quizzically at each other for a long second.

LISETTE
(V.O.)
Daddy? What just happened?

Arthur loses the staring contest.

ARTHUR
Honey, stay on the line, I can’t find the phone. There were sheep in the road. And now there’s a goat in my car.

ONSTAR REP
We’re notifying the proper authorities and sending them your way on US 89 20 miles south of Page, AZ. Is this your location?

ARTHUR
Yes, it’s my location. Roughly. Lisette, honey, stay on the line, I can’t find the phone.

LISETTE
(V.O.)
Daddy, what are you doing in Page? Why is there a goat in the car?

ONSTAR REP
Do you need an ambulance sir?

ARTHUR
No ambulance. Just a tow truck.

LISETTE
(V.O.)
An ambulance?! Mom! Dad needs an ambulance.

ARTHUR
Honey, I don’t need an ambulance. I’m fine. Tell your mother I’m fine.
Arthur finds the phone and holds it to his ear.

LISETTE
(V.O.)
Mom! Dad just wrecked his car!

Arthur cringes at the volume of the speakerphone next to his ear.

ARTHUR
Lisette, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.

ONSTAR REP
The tow truck has been notified. Please call back if you need anything.

TRINA
(O.S.)
We’re coming honey!

ARTHUR
(answering OnStar Rep)
Okay, thank you.
(to phone)
No! Don’t come. Don’t worry. I’m fine. Just a little dustup. Nothing to worry about.

A sheep pokes its head into the driver’s side window and bleats in Arthur’s ear.

EXT. BOAT DOCK-MORNING
Jeff, JL, Derek, Roses and Woody walk along a dock and check out names of boats as they go along.

WOODY
Do you think we should have called first? It seems like it might be kind of early to just show up unannounced.

JEFF
Hell no. It’s never too early for a graduation party. Plus, I don’t have her phone number. Every time I got one from her she always wrote one down that started with 555. Either that or the time she gave me a 1-800 number.

Derek stops in his tracks and sizes Jeff up.

DEREK
You called it, didn’t you?

Jeff hangs his head shamefully.

JEFF
Yeah. It was a gay chat line.

DEREK
And did we make some new friends?

JEFF
A couple.

ROSES
WHAT?!

JEFF
Hey, those guys were cool. And helpful. A lot more helpful than you guys.

JL
More helpful than we are? We drove 3 hours to another city so we could help you walk down a random boat dock looking for a girl that doesn’t even like you on a boat that probably doesn’t even exist. What could be more helpful than that?

JEFF
How about a little emotional support, huh? Did you ever think of that?

All five of them stare at each other.

WOODY
(completely serious)
Jeff, do you need a hug?

JEFF
What? No. No I don’t need a hug.

JL
It sounds like you do you big queen.

JEFF
Fuck you.

JL
Oh, you’d like that wouldn’t you? Come here so I can give you a big old south of the border man-hug.

JEFF
Hey, if I hit you with a stick will candy fall out of you? That’s really the only kind of contact I want to have with you right now.

JL
Of course candy will fall out of me. What kind of Mexican do you think I am? I’m delicious.

JL holds his hands out for a hug. Jeff walks in like he’s going to hug him but turns and farts loudly on JL’s leg instead. He runs away down the dock.

JEFF
Oops. Eggs for breakfast. You know how it goes.

JL is furious and gives chase. Woody, Roses and Derek fall apart with laughter. JL quickly gains on Jeff.

JL
You fucker. That shit ain’t funny.

JEFF
That wasn’t shit. Yet. I’ve got a peeping turtle. Stop making me run, it’s going to come out. Then you’ll all be sorry.

Jeff dodges JL comically, staying just out of reach. JL reaches a foot out and kicks Jeff’s heel, causing him to trip over his own feet and hit the ground. JL stands over the top of him in victory.

JL
Remember this? The People’s Elbow!

JL takes a couple of steps back, taps his elbow two times in an homage to WWE Wrestler “The Rock” and stomps toward Jeff. Just before he drops the elbow on Jeff, he spies something OS and points.

JL (CONT'D)
Hey, is that the Hindenburg?

Everyone turns to look at a houseboat at the end of the dock. It has “The Hindenburg” painted garishly on the back and is decorated for a party, complete with streamers and balloons.

Jeff jumps to his feet and runs frenetically to the boat.

JEFF
This is it guys! Let’s do it!

EXT. HIGHWAY 89 NORTH OF FLAGSTAFF-DAY
Arthur dejectedly watches a tow truck pull his car out of the ditch, the goat still by his side. The TOW TRUCK DRIVER, a good old boy in his early 60’s, smirks at Arthur and the goat as he works the controls.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER
Looks like you made yourself a friend there.

Arthur looks at the goat disparagingly.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER (CONT'D)
Be careful now. Love blossoms in some strange places. I might hear wedding bells in your future.

The tow truck driver is overly entertained by his own joke.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER (CONT'D)
How fast was you going anyway? You know they got speed limits out here. Posted on the signs and everything. Black numbers on a white background. Maybe you’ve seen something like that?

ARTHUR
I was going the speed limit. I was driving and the sheep just appeared in the road.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER
Ah, the old sheep in the road magic trick. Goddamn that David Copperfield. Causes more accidents than he’s worth. You know I caught his show once in Las Vegas. Took the missus.

ARTHUR
Oh yeah?

TOW TRUCK DRIVER
Didn’t do a thing with sheep though. Lotta doves, some girl running around in her skivvies, no livestock though. Maybe he’s branching out. New territory. Always good to diversify, I guess.

Arthur’s car is pulled free of the ditch.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER (CONT'D)
Excuse me for a second.

The tow truck driver walks to the fence on the side of the road and starts urinating. Arthur watches incredulously.

ARTHUR
You just going to do that in front of God and everybody?

The tow truck driver looks over his shoulder as he finishes. He zips up.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER
God already knows what I’ve got going on down there, and if you’re everybody, it looks like we have that whole overpopulation problem licked, don’t we?

He hops in his truck.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER (CONT'D)
You riding with me or do you want to stand here until God and everybody else shows up to give you a ride and talk about my lack of manners?

Arthur gets in the passenger side of the truck.

ARTHUR
Looks like we’re stuck with each other.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER
Don’t I know it.

EXT. BOAT DOCK-MORNING
Jeff leads JL, Derek, Woody and Roses to the Hindenburg. Jeff is giddy. The boat is strewn with empty beer cans and empty bottles of liquor. A party happened here last night.

JEFF
Susan! Susan! Is Susan here?!

Jeff knocks on the back railing of the houseboat, rattling the railing. An attractive woman, MICHELLE, Susan’s mother, stumbles out of the houseboat dressed only in a revealing bikini. She has the hangover of all hangovers.

MICHELLE
Can I help you? Oh God!

She runs to the side of the boat and vomits over the edge. All of the boys grimace.

WOODY
(under his breath)
Dude, she’s hot.

Derek hears him and gives him an “are you kidding me?” look. Michelle hangs over the edge until she gains her composure.

MICHELLE
Oh God and baby Jesus. This is a bad one. This is a bad one.

She turns to the boys.

MICHELLE (CONT'D)
How can I help you?

JEFF
Um, I’m looking for Susan. She said she’d be here.

MICHELLE
Nope. She wasn’t invited.

JEFF
Wasn’t invited? Wasn’t this supposed to be her graduation party?

MICHELLE
Yeah. She’s graduating from my house, so it’s my party. That girl is no fun. No fun at all.

Michelle reaches into a cooler and pulls out a beer. She cracks it open and takes a long swig.

MICHELLE (CONT'D)
Ahh, hair of the dog. You want one?

She offers up a beer. Woody jumps over the railing and grabs it.

WOODY
So, is it just you on this boat? Is your husband here?

MICHELLE
Husband? Ha! This is his boat, well, it used to be his boat. I got it in the divorce. Can I ask you something?

WOODY
Sure.

MICHELLE
Who the fuck names their boat after a blimp that crashed and killed a bunch of people?

WOODY
I was wondering the same thing.

DEREK
I think we all were.

MICHELLE
An asshole, that’s who. An a-s-s hole. You know how they say opinions are like assholes and everyone has one?

DEREK
Yeah.

MICHELLE
Well, my ex had two assholes. One is in his ass, and the other is the rest of his body. Susan loves him though, of course. Wants to be just like him.

Woody gestures to all of the empty liquor bottles.

WOODY
So, did you do all of this?

MICHELLE
Oh no. Not even close. I brought a few of my friends with me. They know how to party.

WOODY
Boy friends?

MICHELLE
Nope. No boys allowed.

Derek elbows Roses as if to say, “Hell yeah!”

WOODY
Hot.

Michelle looks him up and down, sizing him up.

MICHELLE
How old are you?

WOODY
Eighteen.

She turns to the rest of them.

MICHELLE
You boys all eighteen?

JL
Yeah.

She turns back to Woody.

MICHELLE
You know how to steer a boat?

WOODY
Just like a car, only bigger and slower, right?

MICHELLE
Basically.

WOODY
Yeah, I can do that.

MICHELLE
We need someone to drive us to another spot somewhere more secluded. The sheriff came by last night and told us we were too loud.

WOODY
Oh no.

MICHELLE
Oh yes. And we all want to do some sunbathing today, and we still have a boatload of liquor left, so we need somebody to drive us out there.

WOODY
I can definitely do that.

JEFF
Hey, I hate to break this up, but can you tell me where Susan is?

WOODY
Dude, come on.

MICHELLE
Susan’s in Tucson.

JEFF
Tucson?!

JL
What?!

MICHELLE
Yeah, at some kind of leadership camp or pre-college something or other. The U of A, I think.

JEFF
You are her mom, right?

MICHELLE
Yes.

JEFF
Her real mom?

MICHELLE
She lived in my womb and everything. 9 months, just like the books said she would.

JEFF
So how can you not know where she is and what she’s doing?

MICHELLE
Does your mom know what you’re doing?

JEFF
Of course.

MICHELLE
She knows you walked up to a random boat looking for a girl who is on the other side of the state?

JEFF
Well, no, not so much. But she knows what city I’m in.

MICHELLE
Exactly. I know she’s in Tucson, but I don’t know exactly what she’s doing. I signed something for a dorm for her. Huachuca or something like that.

Jeff turns away.

JEFF
Shit. She did it again.

MICHELLE
Did what, honey?

JEFF
She fucking blew me off again.

MICHELLE
What was your name?

JEFF
Jeff.

MICHELLE
Jeff what?

JEFF
Jeff Simmons.

MICHELLE
Jeff Simmons, huh? Can’t say she ever talked about you. At least not to me.

DEREK
No surprise there.

MICHELLE
She was into some guy named Randy. Kind of an douchebag. Preppy guy. Wore a lot of designer clothes. I think he probably ironed his underwear, to be honest. Plus, Randy. Really? Is there a worse name you could name your kid? I can’t think of one. Of course, Randy is her father’s name, so that explains a lot. Did I mention that his entire body is one big asshole?

JEFF
I can’t believe I let her do this to me again. Fuck!

MICHELLE
Jeff, trust me, she’s not your type. Time to pack it up and move on.

JEFF
How do you know she’s not my type?

MICHELLE
Because if she was, she’s be here instead of Tucson. Sorry, I’m not one to sugarcoat things. Just pack up and move on to some other girl. You’re a good looking guy, you shouldn’t have any trouble. Go play the field. Get your dick wet.

JEFF
Get my--what? Look, Susan is the one. The one.

MICHELLE
Oh, I doubt that.

JEFF
She’s always been the one.

MICHELLE
Jeff, you’re in the wrong city for a reason. I think you’ll find that if you keep after her you will always be in the wrong city.

JEFF
Not today. Come on guys, we’re going to Tucson.

WOODY
Um, Jeff, I don’t think I will be joining you on that mission.
(to Michelle)
You really need a driver?

MICHELLE
Absolutely.

JEFF
Woody? What’s up?

WOODY
Dude, I can’t pass this up.

Woody steps out of Michelle’s line of sight and cups his “boobs”, licks his lips and mouths the words, “She’s fucking hot.”

JEFF
Woody, I thought we were in this together. Road trip for the boys. Male bonding and all of that stuff.

WOODY
Yeah, and it was fun. But I think it ends here. Besides, it was just a road trip to find your girl. What would have happened if she had been here. Wouldn’t it be over?

JEFF
Yeah, but--

WOODY
So mine is over. No offense buddy, but how often does something like this come along?

JEFF
But the trip isn’t over yet.

WOODY
Mine is. At least with you guys.

DEREK
I don’t blame him.

ROSES
Me either.

JEFF
JL? Any opinion?

JL
I can’t say I blame him either. Part of me wants to stay to see what happens here, to be perfectly honest.

DEREK
Yeah, what if someone’s top accidentally falls off?
(to Michelle)
That ever happen on this boat?

MICHELLE
More times than I like to admit to.

Woody does a Tiger Woods fist pump behind Michelle.

JEFF
Fine. You guys all stay here and party with the hot mom. I’m going to go find her daughter.

MICHELLE
Do you want me to put in a good word for you? Anyone who calls me a hot mom is okay in my book.

JEFF
No thanks, I get the feeling it might not be worth much.

MICHELLE
And you would be right. Stop chasing rainbows Jeff. There’s never a pot of gold at the other end. Just heartache.

She holds up her beer.

MICHELLE (CONT'D)
This is all I have left of my rainbow chasing. Now all I chase are sunsets. I know those are always going to come.

JEFF
Look, Susan’s mom, I appreciate--

MICHELLE
Michelle.

JEFF
Michelle. I appreciate the sage advice and all, but this is one rainbow that needs to be caught.

Jeff turns to leave.

JEFF (CONT'D)
If you guys want to stay, I don’t blame you. This isn’t your obligation anymore. This is all me.

Derek and Roses look at each other meaningfully and give each other a fist bump.

ROSES
I think we’re going to stay.

DEREK
Yeah dude, sorry.

JEFF
Fine. Like I said, it’s my thing now.

JL looks wistfully at the boat. He turns to Jeff.

JL
Jeff, you’re my boy.

Jeff looks defeated.

JL (CONT'D)
So I’ll roll with you. Luckily I have my rainbow catching shoes on. We’ll catch you guys later. If anyone’s top falls off I expect a full report, including pictures and video if you can get it.

WOODY
You got it.

JL strides purposefully down the dock in front of Jeff towards the car. Derek and Roses jump over the railing onto the boat and grab beers. They wave goodbye to Jeff.

DEREK
Good luck man.

ROSES
Yeah, good luck. Let us know how it goes.

WOODY
Call us when you get there.

Jeff walks to catch up with JL.

JEFF
Thanks buddy.

JL
You owe me HUGE. Massive. Like, think of the biggest thing you have ever thought of in your life, then double it, then triple it, then add four, no wait, five, then multiply that by your birth year. Then, you might be getting close to how big you owe me.

JEFF
How about an atta-boy and two full packs of Skittles.

JL
Done. Lucky for you I like Skittles almost as much as atta-boys.

EXT. AUTO REPAIR SHOP-DAY
The tow truck pulls up with Arthur’s car in tow. It pulls to a stop and Arthur steps out of the passenger seat, talking on his cell phone.

ARTHUR
(into phone)
No, I’m in Page now. At an auto repair shop. I don’t know. Where are you? Well, I’ll just wait here for you, I guess.

The tow truck driver walks up.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER
You got somewhere to go? You want me to drop you off somewhere?

ARTHUR
No, my wife is coming. I’ll just wait here for her, I guess.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER
You want a soda pop or something?

ARTHUR
Yeah, actually. That sounds pretty good.

The tow truck driver pulls out a few dollars from his wallet.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER
Great. There’s a convenience store across the street. I’ll take a Pepsi cola. Get yourself whatever you want, my treat.

Arthur looks at the tow truck driver in disbelief, he couldn’t really expect him to fetch a drink for him.

ARTHUR
Really?

TOW TRUCK DRIVER
Oh yeah. It’s the least I can do considering what I’m going to charge you to get your car roadworthy again.

Arthur weighs his options and decides a free drink is better than nothing. He turns to walk across the street to the convenience store. The tow truck driver pulls another dollar out of his wallet.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER (CONT'D)
Oh yeah, if they have any Chocodiles I’ll take one. Those things are one of mankind’s greatest achievements, if you ask me. Get one for yourself. Taste the magic.

ARTHUR
A Chocodile will never pass these lips.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER
Well, the word just did. You might as well shove a real one in the other direction, just for something different.

ARTHUR
Not a chance. But I’ll bring you a Pepsi cola.

Arthur bounds across the street to the convenience store.

INT. JEFF’S CAR-MORNING-MOVING
Jeff in the driver’s seat. JL in the passenger seat.

JEFF
Dude, I can’t thank you enough.

JL
Hey, you’re my boy, I couldn’t leave you hanging.

JEFF
But I wouldn’t blame you if you did. Susan’s mom was pretty hot.

JL
Yeah, and she’s at her sexual peak. You just remember what I gave up the next time you ask me to do anything.

JEFF
That reminds me, I want to know how far it is to Tucson from here. Can you see where the U of A is on your GPS?

JL
(deadpan)
Go fuck yourself. How about that?

EXT. HOUSEBOAT-NOON
Michelle walks Woody, Roses and Derek through the steps to releasing the houseboat from the slip.

WOODY
So, where are your friends? Are we going to leave without them?

MICHELLE
Oh no. They’re probably up top. Probably already sunbathing.

DEREK
Are you sure? I haven’t seen anyone else on this boat.

MICHELLE
Oh, they probably just went up the back staircase. Once we get going we can all go up there.

She runs her fingers down Woody’s shoulder.

MICHELLE (CONT'D)
Unless, of course, someone needs help steering the boat.

WOODY
No, I can do it.

Derek stands behind Michelle and pantomimes oral sex while fondling the balls with both hands. He points to Michelle and Woody.

WOODY (CONT'D)
Oh, wait. Maybe I do need some, um, help. Or something.

MICHELLE
We’ll just have to see, won’t we.

EXT. AUTO REPAIR SHOP-DAY
Arthur walks across the street towards the shop with an armful of treats from the convenience store. He hands a bottle of soda and a Chocodile to the tow truck driver.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER
I see you got yourself a Chocodile. Couldn’t resist, could you?

ARTHUR
Well, they were buy one get one free. Figured free was a price I could pay to try something, so here we are.

Arthur puts his soda and other various snacks down and holds the Chocodile at arms length, inspecting the package.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER
I never met a package that was as filling as the food inside it. You don’t read it, son, you eat it. Cheers.

The tow truck driver unwraps his Chocodile and taps Arthur’s. Arthur unwraps his treat and takes a bite. It is heavenly.

ARTHUR
Wow. Wow!

TOW TRUCK DRIVER
Good stuff, huh? Bottoms up.

The tow truck driver stuffs the rest of his Chocodile into his mouth. Arthur does the same.

ARTHUR
Holy jeez this is good stuff. I’ll be right back.

Arthur takes off in a run to the convenience store across the street.

INT. TRINA’S CAR-NOON-MOVING
Trina drives with Lisette in the passenger seat. Jeff’s car drives past going the other direction on the highway.

LISETTE
That was Jeff.

TRINA
What honey?

LISETTE
That was Jeff’s car. Heading back to Flagstaff.

TRINA
What was he doing up here?

LISETTE
Graduation party, I thought.

TRINA
Well why was your father coming up here? Oh no.

LISETTE
Do you think--?

TRINA
Get your phone.

Lisette gets her cell phone out of her purse. She dials a number.

INT. JEFF’S CAR-SAME
Jeff’s phone rings. He hands it to JL.

JEFF
See who that is.

JL
It’s Lisette.

JEFF
What the hell is she calling me for?

JL answers the phone.

JEFF (CONT'D)
Wait, don’t--

JL
Hello. No, this is JL. No. Not that I know of, why? Okay. Well, see you later.

JL hangs up.

JEFF
What was that?

JL
She wanted to know if her dad did anything to you.

JEFF
That’s weird. See, I told you something was wrong with that girl.

Jeff’s phone BEEPS with a text message. JL opens it. A photo of a topless Michelle doing a beer bong with the funnel up near Woody’s face and the nozzle through Woody’s unzipped fly. JL registers what he is missing. He takes a long, deep breath as he looks at the photo.

JL
Jeff, when we stop I am going to kill you. I’m going to kill you until you are dead and then I am going to continue killing you until I am dead.

CUT TO:
EXT. HOUSEBOAT-NOON
Michelle finishes the beer bong like a pro to WHOOPS of encouragement from Roses and Derek. She gets up and high five’s Woody.

MICHELLE
Now that’s how it’s done, boys. Who’s next?

ROSES
I’ll go, but I’m not drinking it out of Woody’s crotch.

MICHELLE
Well, we’ll just have to find a different crotch for you to drink out of.

Michelle puts the funnel in between her breasts and runs the funnel through the front of her bikini bottoms. Woody fills the funnel with beer.

ROSES
Bottoms up.

Roses does the beer bong, coughing most of it up over himself.

MICHELLE
Oh, amateur!

DEREK
Booo! Boooo!

The door opens behind Michelle. ANGELA, a beauty similar in age and stature to Michelle, walks through the door in a bikini.

ANGELA
You didn’t start the party without us did you?

MICHELLE
I found some friends. This one is going to drive us out to a more, ahem, secluded place.

ANGELA
Oh, I can hardly wait.

MICHELLE
Where’s Donna?

ANGELA
She was showering. She should be out in a second.

DEREK
You mean there’s more of you?

ANGELA
Oh yeah. Wait until you meet Donna. She’s going to blow your mind.

The door opens behind Angela and Michelle, DONNA, aka MS. MANUAL, walks up behind Angela wearing only a towel. The boys are out of her line of sight as she walks up and plants a sensual kiss on Angela’s lips.

MS. MANUAL
Did I hear my name?

ANGELA
Yes. Michelle made some new friends.

She presents Derek, Roses and Woody to Ms. Manual. All of their eyes widen in shock.

WOODY
Ms. Manual?!

ROSES
Fuck yeah! I knew you were a slut.

MS. MANUAL
Oh my God!

Ms. Manual turns to run into the houseboat. Her towel gets caught on Angela’s nails and falls off. Derek snaps a picture on his cell phone at the perfect moment. Roses does the same a second later.

DEREK
Money shot.

WOODY
Holy shit.

MICHELLE
You know her?

WOODY
Know her? She was my chemistry teacher. I hate that bitch.

ROSES
Nice boobs though.

WOODY
Yeah. I would have paid more attention if I’d have known she was packing those things in her arsenal.

MS. MANUAL
(V.O. through the door)
Get the fuck out of here! Get out!

DEREK
Yeah. She’s not happy.

MICHELLE
You guys should probably leave.

ANGELA
You guys should definitely leave.

The door pops open and Ms. Manual pokes her head out.

MS. MANUAL
Get the fuck off this boat!

Derek snaps another photo of her screaming at them.

DEREK
This is going in the scrapbook.

Roses jumps the railing, followed soon after by Derek. Woody hesitates.

WOODY
Thanks ladies. It was fun while it lasted. I hope we didn’t mess up your sweet topless fun too much.

MICHELLE
Bye boys. Tell Susan I said hi if you see her.

Woody stares wistfully into Michelle’s eyes.

WOODY
We’ll always have Lake Powell.

MICHELLE
Get the fuck out of here, I’ve known you for all of what, thirty minutes?

WOODY
Parting is such sweet, sweet sorrow. Seriously, I want to cry right now.

MICHELLE
Woody, go.

WOODY
Can I see your boobs again? For old times sake?

Michelle pulls her swimsuit back, grabs Woody roughly by the head and motorboats herself with Woody’s face.

WOODY (CONT'D)
(with face in cleavage)
Vroom! Vroom!

Michelle pulls Woody’s face away and pushes him toward the dock.

MICHELLE
Now go.

WOODY
Good God I fucking love you.

MICHELLE
Go!

Woody jumps the railing and the boys run up the dock to the parking lot. Derek holds his cellphone reverently as he runs, looking at the picture he took.

DEREK
Jeff is going to shit when he sees this.

EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE-NOON
Arthur walks across the street to the auto repair shop, his hands full of Chocodiles. His phone RINGS. He fumbles with the treats and loses a couple of them. He kicks them across the road to the repair shop as he answers his phone.

ARTHUR
Hello. What? No I didn’t do anything to him. Why would you think-- It doesn’t matter. Just come get me. I’m at the repair shop. What do you mean what repair shop? I’m at THE repair shop. Seriously, you can’t miss it.

Arthur hangs up the phone and picks up the treats he kicked across the road. He dusts them off before he hands them to the unknowing tow truck driver.

ARTHUR (CONT'D)
I got these for you. To say thanks for, you know, picking me up from the sheep fields and, well, putting up with me.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER
You got these for me? Maybe you’re okay after all. You never know, you might just get a good client discount if you keep this up.

INT. JEFF’S CAR-NOON-MOVING
JL’s phone BEEPS with a text message. JL opens the message, it is the picture of Ms. Manual, topless. JL’s jaw drops.

JL
Holy shit!

JEFF
What?

JL
Ms. Manual’s tits.

JEFF
Shut up.

JL
Serious. Look.

He holds the phone up for Jeff to look at.

JEFF
That’s not Ms. Manual.

JL
Yeah it is. It’s totally her.

JEFF
Call those fuckers. Find out what the hell is going on.

JL’s phone BEEPS again.

JL
Oh, we got another one. Yeah, that’s definitely her.

JEFF
Save those things. Those are going up on the alumni site when we get home.

JL dials the phone and puts it on speaker.

ROSES
(V.O.)
Hello?

JL
What the hell is going on over there?

ROSES
(V.O.)
Where are you guys?

JL
About 30 miles south of Page. Why?

ROSES
(V.O.)
Wait for us in Flagstaff. We’ll tell you there.

JEFF
I’m not stopping in Flag. We’re heading straight to Tucson.

ROSES
(V.O.)
Just, when you stop to get gas, fuck around a little bit. Take a dump together or fondle each other’s little nutty sacks. We’ll catch up to you.

JL
Alright. I’ll call you when we stop.

JL hangs up the phone.

JL (CONT'D)
Heading straight to Tucson huh? You really that bent on talking to that bitch?

JEFF
Easy dude. She’s not a bitch.

JL
She’s a total bitch. I don’t get why you keep defending her, and chasing her. If it was me, she’d be a ghost by now.

JEFF
Yeah, well, I’m not you. She’s better than the way she acts lately.

JL
What do you mean lately? She’s been a bitch since freshman year.

JEFF
Yeah, well, she and I go back a bit further than that.

JL
What the hell are you talking about?

JEFF
I never said anything to you guys, but she and I were really good friends back in 8th grade.

JL
Shut the fuck up.

JEFF
Nope. I’m serious. Before any of us started hanging out, Susan was one of my only friends.

JL
How did that happen?

JEFF
When I first moved out here between 7th and 8th grade I literally didn’t know anybody. Like, nobody. I used to spend my lunch hours in the detention room because I knew I could just sit in peace and quiet and not have anyone make fun of me for sitting alone while I ate.

JL
You did not.

JEFF
Swear to God. I did that for the first three weeks of school. Finally the lunchtime detention teacher caught on that I didn’t belong there and he kicked me out. I think he thought something was wrong with me.

JL
I think there’s something wrong with you and we’ve been friends for almost 4 years.

JEFF
So anyway, the first time I ate lunch alone at lunch I went outside and was sitting by a tree down by the lake they use for earth science. I heard some girl chanting and making noise and stuff so I went to investigate.

JL
Chanting?

JEFF
Turns out it was a girl practicing for cheerleading tryouts. Susan. I’ll never forget the way she looked that day. Sunlight glistening off her hair, cute little shorts, tank top. She had a-

JL
She’s a bitch, dude!

JEFF
Not that day. She was so embarrassed that I saw her. I told her that she didn’t have to worry about me telling anyone because I didn’t know anyone in school anyway. Her secret was safe with me.

JL
Such a nice boy.

JEFF
So she asked if I would help critique her, maybe give her some tips or whatever to work on. I was like, hell yeah, I’ll watch you do the splits anytime.

JL
You didn’t say that.

JEFF
I didn’t say it, but I thought it. Anyway, she worked on her routine and I gave her a couple of constructive criticisms or whatever because my oldest sister was a dance teacher while she was in college, so I knew some stuff. We met out there every day for a week. Kind of like our little secret place. She even brought me lunch a couple of days. Snack packs.

JL
So what happened?

JEFF
I ate them.

JL
No, not the snack packs. With you guys. What happened?

JEFF
Well, she made the cheerleading squad. Kicked ass. I watched her do it. I snuck in and hid behind the bleachers.

JL
You’re a fucking psychopath, dude.

JEFF
Man, you just don’t know. I know it was a long ass time ago and I should let it go but . . . I can’t. I just can’t.

JL
Did you guys ever hook up or anything?

JEFF
No. She made the team, gave me a hug and said thanks for all my help and then never looked back. Never even really acknowledged me after that. Every once in a while she would say hi to me in the halls, but only if no one was around.

JL
Let me guess, you went to every game she cheered at.

JEFF
Absolutely. I even started playing football my freshman year because I knew she’d be at every game. Cheering me on. Remember that move she did with the little splits and the twist thingy?

JL
(wistfully)
Yeah, that was a good move.

JEFF
Yeah, that was mine. Well, not mine, but I taught it to her. Saw my sister doing it in dance class. She never gave me credit for it.

JL
So this is all about her giving you credit for her signature cheer?

JEFF
No. This is about her acknowledging the fact that we spent a perfect week together. Even if it was in 8th grade. It still counts. It was the best week of my life.

EXT. AUTO REPAIR SHOP-DAY
Arthur sits outside of the repair shop, his face shows signs of chocolate from the Chocodiles. A pile of empty wrappers sits next to him.

Trina and Lisette pull up in Trina’s car. Lisette jumps out and gives Arthur a hug.

LISETTE
Oh daddy, I’m so glad you’re alright.

ARTHUR
I’m fine honey. Right as rain, just like I said.

TRINA
So, would you like to explain why you are up here, or should we make our own assumptions?

ARTHUR
What kind of assumptions? I’m just up here following up on a lead for a case.

TRINA
Would that case have anything to do with Jeff Simons?

Arthur is caught by surprise. That was his secret.

ARTHUR
Jeff who? Simmons?

TRINA
Simons. You heard me. We all know that’s why you’re up here.

ARTHUR
No, no. I’m here for--

LISETTE
It doesn’t matter anyway. We saw Jeff driving the other way. Headed back to Flagstaff.

ARTHUR
What?!

LISETTE
He was headed back towards Flagstaff.

ARTHUR
Call him right now.

LISETTE
Why?

ARTHUR
(controlled rage)
Callhimrightnow! Callhimrightnow!

LISETTE
Daddy, you’re scaring me.

ARTHUR
Honey. I need you to call him right now. For his own safety.

LISETTE
Why? Is he in some kind of trouble?

ARTHUR
He’s in the worst kind of trouble and only I can protect him.

Lisette weighs her options. He’s never lied to her before. She dials the phone.

ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Put it on speaker.

INT. JEFF’S CAR-NOON-MOVING-CONTINUOUS
Jeff’s phone rings. He hands it to JL to answer.

JEFF
Can you get that?

JL answers the phone and puts it on speaker.

JEFF (CONT'D)
Hello?

LISETTE
(V.O.)
Jeff, it’s Lisette.

Jeff shakes his head, slightly annoyed.

JEFF
Hey Lisette.

LISETTE
(V.O.)
Sorry to bother you, but my dad is here and he says you might be in some kind of trouble.

EXT. AUTO REPAIR SHOP-SAME
Arthur, Lisette and Trina stand near Trina’s car.

ARTHUR
(whispering to Lisette)
Ask him where he is.

LISETTE
Where are you?

JEFF
(V.O)
I’m about 40, 45 miles outside of Page on my way back to Flagstaff. What kind of trouble am I in?

Arthur grabs the phone from Lisette.

ARTHUR
The worst kind of trouble. You made the biggest mistake of your life when you got my daughter pregnant.

JEFF
(V.O.)
When I did what?

ARTHUR
Shut up! I’ll be seeing you. Prepare to reap the whirlwind.

Arthur hangs up the phone.

ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Let’s go.

TRINA
You’re not going anywhere. I’ve got the keys.

Arthur walks over to the driver’s side of the car, pulls a key out of his wallet and gets in the car, starting it.

ARTHUR
In or out. I’m leaving. I’m going to catch that son of a bitch.

TRINA
You don’t even know what you’re chasing, Arthur.

ARTHUR
Oh yeah. Does a black SUV with a license TLH-444 ring a bell?

Trina looks at Lisette. Lisette nods slightly.

TRINA
(grasping for anything)
You wouldn’t leave without us.

ARTHUR
Your choice.

Arthur pulls away, peeling out on the pavement.

INT. JEFF’S CAR-SAME
Jeff looks at JL in alarm.

JL
What the hell was that all about?

JEFF
Dude, I don’t know, but that doesn’t sound good.

Jeff’s phone RINGS. JL looks at the number.

JL
Lisette.

JEFF
Again? What the fuck?

JL answers.

JL
Yeah.

LISETTE
(V.O.)
Jeff, I’m so sorry. My dad thinks you got me pregnant and he’s coming after you. You need to hide or something. I think he might be a little bit crazy.

JL
A little?

LISETTE
(V.O.)
Look, I’m sorry. I never meant for anything like this to happen, but you need to do something. He’s nuts.

JEFF
Lisette, I’m going to Tucson, nothing your dad can do will stop me from doing that.

LISETTE
(V.O.)
What are you doing going to Tucson? I thought this was the big party you had planned.

JEFF
Susan’s in Tucson. I need to talk to her.

LISETTE
(V.O.)
Susan, huh? Like always?

JEFF
What do you mean ‘like always?’

LISETTE
(V.O.)
Never mind Jeff. Look, he knows what car you’re driving. He knows your license plate and everything. You need to do something. I don’t want you to get hurt.

JEFF
Hurt?

LISETTE
(V.O.)
He’s a cop. He’s trained. He has a gun. And the ability to use it. Please, do something to protect yourself. He just left Page, so you have a little bit of a head start.

Jeff and JL exchange a look.

JEFF
Okay, I’ll think of something. Thanks for calling.

JL hangs up the phone.

JL
What the hell?

JEFF
I have an idea. Call Derek.

EXT. AUTO REPAIR SHOP-SAME
Trina and Lisette stand helpless in the parking lot. The tow truck driver comes out from the repair shop holding the front bumper to Arthur’s car.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER
Have either one of you ladies seen a feller out here eating Chocodiles?

TRINA
Chocodiles?

LISETTE
Yeah, that’s my dad.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER
Where’d he go?

TRINA
He took my car and left without us.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER
(shocked)
He didn’t?!

TRINA
He did.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER
Why that no good-- I knew there was something wrong with that feller the first time I laid eyes on him.

TRINA
Well, he’s a dead man walking right now. Or driving, I guess.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER
Well, the reason I ask is that that there car he wrecked isn’t really in too bad a shape.

Trina looks the bumper up and down slowly.

TRINA
(smart aleck)
Oh, obviously.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER
This here is just a bumper. Don’t have nothing to do with the way the car drives. Just for looks, and to protect the rest of the car for when you go running into stuff like your husband did.

TRINA
What exactly is wrong with the car then. Besides the bumper in your hand.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER
Just a couple of flat tires and the alignment is off, that’s all.

TRINA
So how long of a wait are we looking at?

TOW TRUCK DRIVER
Well, if you don’t want this thing attached right now, all I have to do is get some money from you and we can send you on your way.

TRINA
Done. How much do I owe you?

EXT. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT-DAY
Jeff and JL sit on the hood of Jeff’s car, bored. Derek, Roses and Woody pull up in Derek’s car, park next to Jeff and get out.

DEREK
What’s up man?

JEFF
Got a problem. Apparently Lisette’s dad is after me or something.

WOODY
For what?

JEFF
Getting her pregnant.

WOODY
When did you fuck her? Nice work dude! Except for the whole pregnancy thing. What are you, an idiot?

JEFF
I didn’t do anything to her.

WOODY
Part of me wants to give you a hug for finally getting with a girl who knows you exist and part of me wants to punch you in the lip with a golf shoe for not wearing a rubber. Did you learn NOTHING in sex ed?

JEFF
Woody, I didn’t do anything to her. We never even hung out.

WOODY
Why not, dude?

ROSES
Because he’s an idiot and he has been for four years.

DEREK
Has it only been four years?

ROSES
Well, that’s as long as I’ve known him. It could be longer.

JEFF
Dude, fuck off.

ROSES
Jeff, how long have you been an idiot? Only four years?

JEFF
I said fuck off, dude.

WOODY
Did you do her or not? And as far as I can tell, the over/under on you being an idiot is an even 13 years.

JEFF
No, I didn’t do her. And 13 is not an even number. You might want to look into that.

WOODY
Why didn’t you do her?

ROSES
Because she’s not Susan.

WOODY
Did he do Susan?

DEREK
Of course not.

JEFF
It doesn’t matter why I didn’t do anything with her.

DEREK
Couldn’t get it up, could you?

JEFF
Really? Is this where this conversation is going?

DEREK
All I’m saying is that if you put me in a room with her, she’d come out with at least a set of twins. Probably triplets.

JEFF
Okay, I get it, I’m an idiot for not getting with her. But the bottom line is, her dad thinks I did and he is out to get me, according to Lisette. So, Derek, let me see your car keys.

Derek flips Jeff his car keys. Jeff flips his keys to Derek.

DEREK
What’re these for?

JEFF
For driving my car. We’re trading cars.

DEREK
Why?

JEFF
Because Lisette’s father, the cop, knows what car I’m driving. I am going to Tucson to talk to Susan and I don’t need him tracking me down. I’ll get this all settled after I get back, but right now I need to get to Tucson as fast as possible.

WOODY
But we were going to go to Tucson, too.

JEFF
So follow me in my car. If he, by some miracle, catches up to us, you guys can be a decoy and lead him somewhere else.

ROSES
Do you ever have any ideas that don’t somehow have the possibility of turning into a train wreck? What’s your five-year plan? To work for Amtrak?

JEFF
Look, it’s a simple diversion. If he doesn’t catch up to us, no harm, no foul. If he does, we just split directions and I can do what I have to do and then meet up with you and smooth everything over.

Derek, Roses, JL and Woody give each other a resigned look. Might as well not even try to fight this battle.

DEREK
You’re going to need gas. I’m not paying for that shit.

EXT. JEFF’S HOUSE-LATER THAT DAY
Arthur pulls up in Trina’s car. Vivian does yard work in the front yard. Arthur gets out of his car.

VIVIAN
Hi officer. Did you get ahold of Jeff yet?

ARTHUR
No ma’am I didn’t. You wouldn’t happen to know where he is do you?

VIVIAN
Yeah, he just called a few minutes ago. He left Page for some reason. Said he’d be in Tucson tonight. Seems like a lot of driving if you ask me.

ARTHUR
Do you have any idea why he would go to Tucson?

VIVIAN
No idea. Probably after some girl though. Hormones, you know.

ARTHUR
Oh believe me, I know all about it.

VIVIAN
Would you like his phone number? Maybe you can find out from him where he’s going.

ARTHUR
You know, why don’t I get that from you?

EXT. INTERSTATE 10 NORTH OF TUCSON-LATER-CONTINUOUS
Jeff drives Derek’s car with JL in the front seat while Derek, driving Jeff’s car, follows with Roses and Woody in the passenger seats.

Arthur’s car speeds up behind Jeff’s car and gets right on his tail.

ARTHUR
Gotcha, punk.

Derek indicates Arthur’s car behind them to Roses, who grabs his phone and makes a call.

ROSES
Jeff, there’s somebody right on our tail.

JEFF
The exit is coming up. You guys go right at the light, we’re going left.

ROSES
What should we do?

JEFF
Just occupy his time for a little while. I’ll catch up to you.

Trina’s car pulls up behind Arthur’s car. Lisette dials the phone. Trina grabs it from her.

ARTHUR
Hello?

TRINA
Back off Arthur. We’re right behind you.

ARTHUR
How did you--?

TRINA
You’re in more trouble than you can possibly imagine. Do not make it worse.

ARTHUR
Sorry honey, I’ve gotta do what I’ve gotta do.

He hangs up the phone. Jeff and Derek pull off on their exit. The light stays green as Jeff turns left and Derek turns right. Arthur follows Derek to the right. Trina follows Arthur.

TRINA
(to Lisette)
Call him again.

Jeff watches the other three cars turn right in his rearview mirror.

JEFF
Looks like we’re home free.

JL
So now what?

EXT. RESIDENCE HALL-AFTERNOON
Jeff parks the car in front of the hall. He and JL get out and go inside.

INT. RESIDENCE HALL-AFTERNOON
Jeff and JL walk up to the front desk and catch the attention of a female RESIDENT ASSISTANT.

RESIDENT ASSISTANT
Can I help you?

JEFF
Yeah, I’m looking for someone.

RESIDENT ASSISTANT
Someone in particular, or just someone at random?

JEFF
Um, her name is Susan?

The resident assistant looks at the computer to look up her name. Jeff and JL look around the lobby.

RESIDENT ASSISTANT
Does this Susan have a last name? Her name is Susan . . .?

Jeff sees a girl who looks a lot like Susan from the back.

JEFF
Susan!

The resident assistant doesn’t look up from the computer.

RESIDENT ASSISTANT
Susan Susan is her name? Are you kidding me?

JEFF
Susan!

RESIDENT ASSISTANT
Okay, I get it, Susan Susan. Stop yelling.

The girl in the lobby turns around. It is Susan. She sees Jeff and her shoulders drop in disappointment.

JEFF
Susan.

Jeff walks over to Susan. The resident assistant looks up from her computer.

RESIDENT ASSISTANT
Where does he think he’s going?

JL
He found who he’s looking for.

RESIDENT ASSISTANT
Susan Susan?

JL
Yep.

RESIDENT ASSISTANT
His girlfriend?

JL
Nope. The best thing that never happened to him. You a fan of trainwrecks?

RESIDENT ASSISTANT
Can’t say I’ve ever seen one.

JL
Well, you’re about to.

CLOSE ON JEFF AND SUSAN
JEFF
How are you, Susan?

Susan is not pleased to see him.

SUSAN
How’d you find me?

JEFF
Your mom.

Susan rolls her eyes at the mention of her mother. Jeff is surprisingly pleasant about the whole situation. Susan shows guilt.

SUSAN
Look, I--

JEFF
Wait, before you say anything, can I just apologize?

SUSAN
Apologize? But I’m the one who lied to you and--

JEFF
I came to apologize. For harassing you all through high school. I must have made your life terrible. I just came to tell you that it’s done. I’ll never bother you again. It’s over.

SUSAN
What’s over? What did we ever have?

JEFF
Nothing. And we never will have anything. I thought I could make something out of us, but I know I can’t. Finally. So I came to tell you I’m sorry for making your life hard.
(an afterthought)
I’m sorry I made my life so hard.

Susan stares at Jeff, not sure what to make of this revelation. Jeff extends his hand. Susan shakes it.

JEFF (CONT'D)
Good bye. And thank you.

SUSAN
Thank you.

Jeff turns to leave.

SUSAN (CONT'D)
Hey.

Jeff stops.

SUSAN (CONT'D)
See you at the ten year reunion?

Jeff turns to look at her. He takes her in with his eyes then shakes his head.

JEFF
Not a chance. It’s been nice knowing you.

Jeff turns and walks toward JL. The resident assistant is disappointed.

RESIDENT ASSISTANT
I didn’t see any kind of train wreck.

JL
Yeah, me either.
(to Jeff)
What the hell happened? I was waiting for fireworks. How’d it go?

Jeff looks back at Susan as she walks away.

JEFF
It’s gone. She wasn’t worth it.

RESIDENT ASSISTANT
They never are.

Jeff and JL both look at her sideways.

JEFF
Let’s go. We need to see what Derek and those guys came up with.

CUT TO:
EXT. OLD TUCSON MOVIE STUDIOS PARKING LOT-SAME
Derek pulls into a parking space and he, Woody and Roses jump out of the car and run into the old west theme park.

Arthur and Trina pull into the row of parking from different directions and they both go for the same spot, smashing into each other at low speeds half in and half out of the spot. They both jump out of their cars.

ARTHUR
Your fault!

TRINA
Your fault!

Arthur throws the keys at Trina and runs into the theme park. Trina throws both sets of keys at Lisette and gives chase.

TRINA (CONT'D)
Clean this mess up Lisette.

INT. OLD TUCSON MOVIE STUDIOS-SAME
Derek, Woody and Roses finish paying their entrance fee and run into the main part of the park.

WOODY
What do we do?

DEREK
I have no idea, I never even knew this place existed.

ROSES
I’ve been here before. Come on, this way!

Roses leads them off to their left. After a few seconds, Arthur finishes paying for his ticket and comes into the main part of the park. He looks around for a second before running off to his left. Seconds later, Trina does the same thing.

EXT. CACTUS MAZE-SAME
Roses leads Derek and Woody to an extensive maze where the walls are made out of eight foot high cacti. The entrance is a set of swinging saloon doors. Roses bursts through the doors and Derek and Woody follow close behind.

WOODY
What is this?

ROSES
Don’t touch the walls.

INT. CACTUS MAZE-SAME
Roses leads Derek and Woody to the end of a corridor of cactus walls.

DEREK
A maze? Really? What the hell?

ROSES
Don’t worry, I know the way out. Hopefully that guy behind us doesn’t.

WOODY
So lead on. I don’t really know why we’re running, but I don’t think I want to get caught.

Arthur bursts through the swinging doors of the maze, spotting them. Derek goes one way, Roses another and Woody a third. Arthur spins in his tracks for a few seconds before deciding to chase Roses.

Derek’s phone RINGS while he runs through the maze. He answers and immediately runs into a wall.

DEREK
(into phone)
Ouch! Motherfucker!

JL
(V.O.)
Hey, sorry. Where are you?

DEREK
I’m in a fucking cactus maze.

There is a long moment of silence.

JL
(V.O.)
You’re in a what?

DEREK
A cactus maze. What else would I be in?

JL
(V.O.)
Obviously. And where is this maze?

DEREK
Old Tucson Movie Studios. Get your asses over here and talk to this guy. I have a bad feeling about this situation.

JL
(V.O.)
We’re en route.

DEREK
(inspecting the cactus spines in his backside)
Bring some pliers. Tell Jeff he owes me HUGE!

Derek hangs up the phone just as Roses and Arthur run by them. Arthur sees Derek and gives up the chase on Roses and turns to Derek. Derek sprints off the other direction.

EXT. OLD TUCSON MOVIE STUDIOS PARKING LOT-SAME
Lisette parks both cars at the end of the parking lot and runs toward the front gates.

INT. CACTUS MAZE-SAME
Roses, Derek and Woody dodge attempts by Arthur to catch them while Arthur dodges attempts by Trina to catch him until all of them are exhausted and hopelessly lost in the maze.

EXT. OLD TUCSON MOVIE STUDIOS PARKING LOT-LATER
Jeff slowly pulls his car into a parking space. He and JL get out and nonchalantly walk to the front gates.

INT. OLD TUCSON MOVIE STUDIOS-SAME
Jeff and JL stand in the main entrance of the theme park. JL spies a sign and points it out to Jeff.

JL
Cactus maze is that way.

JEFF
Wow. I thought Derek was full of shit. But there it is.

Jeff and JL walk to their left.

EXT. CACTUS MAZE-SAME
Lisette stands by the exit of the Cactus Maze, apprehensive about going in. Jeff and JL walk up. Lisette sees them.

LISETTE
Hi Jeff. JL.

JEFF
Hi Lisette.

Jeff and Lisette stand silently and avoid making eye contact. Finally JL is fed up with it.

JL
So, anything strange happen to either of you guys today?

JEFF
Ummm--

JL
Anybody threaten to kill you Jeff? Anybody in your family doing anything strange Lisette?

LISETTE
Ummm--

JL
The reason I ask is, well, we’re all standing outside of a cactus maze in Tucson when earlier today I was at Lake Powell and I gave up hanging out with a boatload of naked women to be here with you. So I just wondered if there was something happening here.

There is a girlish SCREAM from Roses inside the maze.

JL (CONT'D)
See? That’s not normal. That is not normal behavior. Go ahead. Talk it out.

LISETTE
Jeff, I am sooooo sorry. I can’t even tell you how sorry I am.

JEFF
What’s happening here? All I know is that your dad wants to kill me because he thinks I got you pregnant.

LISETTE
I don’t think he really wants to kill you. Maybe castrate, but not kill.

Jeff and JL both flinch at the word “castrate.”

JEFF
Lisette, please don’t ever say that word around me again.

LISETTE
Honestly, I don’t know what he wants. But I do know that he isn’t in his right mind ever since I told him I might be pregnant, so--

JEFF
Might?

LISETTE
Yeah, I’m not sure or anything. I haven’t taken a test or gone to the doctor.

JEFF
So why did you tell him you might be pregnant?

LISETTE
Because I might be. I try to tell my parents everything.

JL
Even if it means you’ll end up standing outside of a cactus maze in Tucson, Arizona?

LISETTE
Especially if it means I’ll be standing outside of a cactus maze in Tucson. This was my ultimate plan. It’s worked out perfectly, don’t you think?

Jeff turns to Lisette and puts his hands on her shoulders, facing her. She swoons the tiniest bit at his touch.

JEFF
Lisette, I know you didn’t make this happen on purpose but we’ve got to find a way to make this right for me, my friends and, most importantly, my balls.

He takes his hands off of her shoulders. She puts her hands on his shoulders the same way and looks in his eyes.

LISETTE
Jeff, I will make this right. I promise you that.

JEFF
Good. I believe you.

Lisette leaves her hands on his shoulders, not wanting to take them off. Derek bursts through the exit doors with Arthur hot on his trail, both of them covered in cactus spines. Arthur stops dead when he sees Lisette and Jeff.

ARTHUR
You! Get your hands off my daughter!

Jeff looks at his hands, they aren’t touching Lisette. He holds them up for Arthur to see.

ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Okay, well, get your shoulders off of my daughter’s hands!

JEFF
Can do.
Jeff kneels down slightly, disengaging Lisette’s hands from his shoulders, then takes a giant step back.

ARTHUR
Now, it’s time to pay the reaper.

LISETTE
Wait, daddy!

Arthur lifts his shirt tails to reveal a police issue weapon. At that moment Woody and Roses fly through the exit doors and barrel Arthur and Derek to the ground.

WOODY
Oh, that thing sucked!

Lisette grabs Jeff’s hand and pulls him away towards the Haunted Mine ride.

LISETTE
Come on, this way!

Jeff hesitates for a second and then runs with her. JL follows close behind. Derek scrambles to his feet, grabs Woody and Roses and pulls them along with him toward the mine ride. Arthur reaches for their feet as they run away but he misses all of them. Trina barrels through the exit door and trips over Arthur, landing in a heap next to him.

TRINA
Arthur!

ARTHUR
Oh shit!

Arthur gets up and gives chase to the others. Trina grabs for his feet but also barely misses. She gets to her feet and follows.

EXT. HAUNTED MINE RIDE-DAY
Jeff and Lisette jump into the short line just before a large group of people get in line. Jeff and Lisette get a car on the ride within a matter of seconds.

Derek, Roses and Woody mix in with the large group of people and try to maintain a low profile so Arthur doesn’t notice them. Arthur gets in at the end of the line and notices them immediately. Another group of people get in line before Trina gets in line, cutting her off from Arthur.

Arthur cuts in line a few spaces, approaching Derek, Woody and Roses and making them quite nervous.

ARTHUR
Excuse me. Excuse me. Got an emergency here. Thank you. Looking for my daughter, that’s all. Thanks. Thanks again.

When he gets to near grabbing distance of Derek, he tries to cut again. Derek turns to the people between him and Arthur.

DEREK
You don’t have to let him do that. See?

Derek points to a sign that reads: LINE JUMPING WILL RESULT IN REMOVAL FROM PARK.
There is an uproar from the people in line that sends Arthur back to his starting point. Derek stands his ground smugly. Arthur stares Derek down, only stopping when he feels Trina doing the same thing to him.

INT. HAUNTED MINE RIDE-DAY
Jeff and Lisette sit in a car on the ride as it goes through the motions of a typical scary ride at a theme park. They don’t notice most of the scary situations as they talk.

JEFF
Sooooo . . . fancy meeting you here. Any new developments in your life? Done any traveling?

LISETTE
Oh, you know, just your standard driving across the state a couple of times. Nothing to write home about.

JEFF
Good. Good. Seen any good movies lately? Gotten pregnant or anything?

LISETTE
Jeff, I am so sorry about all of this. I can’t even put it into words.

JEFF
Care to tell me how this all happened?

LISETTE
Well, remember the night I asked you to prom and you totally rejected me?

JEFF
I didn’t totally reject you, I just-

LISETTE
Totally rejected me.

JEFF
Totally rejected you. I guess. I’m sorry. I don’t know where my head was at.

LISETTE
I do. Not on me. And that’s okay. Anyway, I went to a party at NAU that night, got really drunk, like, unbelievably drunk, I never drink, by the way, and I ended up hooking up with some random in the dorms there.

JEFF
I hate randoms.

LISETTE
Yeah, tell me about it.

JEFF
You do that sort of thing a lot? Drunk, partying, doing, um, stuff?

LISETTE
You’re not going to believe me, but that was my first time for all of that stuff.

JEFF
All of it?

LISETTE
All of it.

JEFF
You hit the jackpot then.

LISETTE
You have no idea.

EXT. HAUNTED MINE RIDE-DAY
Woody and Derek push Roses out of the way and get on a car and enter the ride. Roses goes to get on the ride but Arthur jumps the barrier and grabs him.

ARTHUR
You’re coming with me.

Roses screams girlishly but Arthur manhandles him out of the ride and into the middle of the dirt main street.

INT. HAUNTED MINE RIDE-DAY
Jeff and Lisette in their car.

JEFF
Care to tell me a little about your dad?

LISETTE
Well, he’s not normally a lunatic. Actually, he’s a pretty nice guy. I think he just flipped when I told him about the pregnancy.

JEFF
And how exactly did my name come up in all of this?

LISETTE
A few hours before I told him, he came into the room and saw me downloading a few pictures of the two of us and--

JEFF
A few?

LISETTE
A lot, actually.

JEFF
Like how many? Five? Ten?

LISETTE
Like forty.

JEFF
Forty pictures of us? I only remember taking one or two with you.

LISETTE
Most of them are just you.

JEFF
You didn’t Photoshop your face in or anything?

LISETTE
No, nothing like that. I know it sounds weird, but I am not crazy.

JEFF
I don’t know, look at your role models.

LISETTE
Jeff.

JEFF
Lisette, I’m kidding, I’m kidding.

LISETTE
You think I’m crazy. Great.

JEFF
Not crazy. Just . . . strung up. Believe me, I know all about that.

LISETTE
You do?

JEFF
Tell me, how many dates have you gone on since you started liking me?

LISETTE
Well, none.

JEFF
No way! Didn’t anybody ask you out?

LISETTE
Oh yeah. A few guys did. But I didn’t want to go out with just anybody. I wanted to go out with you.

JEFF
Wow.

LISETTE
What? See, you think I’m crazy.

JEFF
No no no. That just reminds me of something this guy I know did.

LISETTE
What did he do?

JEFF
He completely ignored a beautiful, intelligent, sort of crazy girl because he was completely strung up on someone who barely even knew he existed.

LISETTE
Oh, so that’s cool, you barely knew I existed. That’s good for the ego.

JEFF
No, don’t take it wrong. We talked about you a few times.

LISETTE
You who?

JEFF
Me and JL. In fact, we talked about you that night that you, um, you know, did your stuff with the random at NAU.

LISETTE
And what did you talk about?

JEFF
Just about how hot you are and how dumb I was for not hooking up with you and going to prom and whatever.

LISETTE
Really?

JEFF
Yeah. Ask JL. He’ll tell you what a dumbass I am. Sometimes he’ll tell me and I’m not even asking. He does that. Kinda wish he’d stop, actually.

LISETTE
Except?

JEFF
Except I keep doing stuff that makes him call me a dumbass.

LISETTE
He’s a smart guy. I’d go with his assessment.

JEFF
I do from time to time. It’s when I don’t that the name calling starts. Lisette, can I ask you something?

LISETTE
Sure.

JEFF
When this is all over, all of this . . . whatever we’re doing down here is over, would you like to--

The car they ride is bursts through the doors of the end of the ride, thrusting them into bright sunlight. In front of them, Arthur has Roses in a vicious headlock in the middle of the dirt street. Lisette and Jeff jump from the car and head toward Arthur and Roses.

EXT. OLD TUCSON MOVIE STUDIOS MAIN STREET-SAME
Arthur has Roses in a headlock in the middle of the street. A crowd gathers, keeping its distance. Jeff and Lisette approach at a sprint.

LISETTE
Daddy! Let him go!

Arthur sees Lisette with Jeff and stands Roses up in a hostage position, hiding behind him. Arthur plucks a cactus spine from his leg and holds it perilously close to Roses’ ear.

ARTHUR
You move away from my daughter or he gets it.

ROSES
Jeff, do something! I like my ears! I use them for hearing and holding up my sunglasses. Don’t let him hurt my ears.

JEFF
Roses, have you tried escaping from his evil clutches?

ARTHUR
Evil?

ROSES
Yeah, see.

Roses makes a feeble attempt at getting out of Arthur’s grip. Arthur doesn’t even break a sweat keeping him in check.

ROSES (CONT'D)
He’s really strong.
(to Arthur)
You’re really strong.

ARTHUR
Thank you.

ROSES
He’s like a robot or one of those guys you see on TV bending skillets with their bare hands.
(to Arthur)
You ever do that? Bend a skillet with your hands?

ARTHUR
Never tried.

ROSES
I bet you could. Ugh, so strong.

JEFF
Don’t worry Roses, I’ll do something.

ROSES
Hurry!

Jeff searches his pockets and pulls out a Q-tip. He takes a flying leap at Arthur.

SLOW MOTION
Jeff flies through the air several feet off the ground, looking Arthur in the eye. Arthur meets his gaze. Jeff looks off to one side and makes a face as if something very interesting is over there. Arthur turns to look.

While Arthur looks, Jeff replaces the cactus spine with the Q-tip and lands behind Arthur in a dive roll. Arthur plunges the Q-tip into Roses’ ear and throws him to the ground. Roses screams in pain.

ARTHUR
Wrong move, tough guy. Now it’s your turn.

Roses flails in pain on the ground. He pulls the Q-tip from his ear with a yelp. There is a huge gob of earwax on the Q-tip. Roses lets out a sigh of relief.

ROSES
Hey! I can hear again in this ear. My hearing must be 20/20 again.

He tosses the Q-tip underhand at Arthur.

ROSES (CONT'D)
Thanks bro.

Arthur dodges the Q-tip with a look of disgust. He pulls a butterfly knife out of his back pocket and opens it with an impressive flourish and brandishes it at Jeff.

ARTHUR
Say goodbye to your goods and services, fuckface.

He turns the knife in the sunlight, catching the light and blinding Jeff.

ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Glint glint. Glint glint. Ha ha!

Arthur lunges at Jeff with the knife. Jeff does several spinning ballet kicks, dodging the knife thrust and drawing applause from the crowd. Woody, Roses, JL and Derek look at Jeff in a mixture of awe and disgust.

WOODY
What the fuck was that?

JL
Was that ballet?

WOODY
Are you kidding me?

DEREK
I don’t even have words for that.

WOODY
Is that why you weren’t in weight training last semester?

JEFF
Susan took ballet, alright?

WOODY
Our friendship is officially on probation right now. Spring something else like that on me and we’re going to put you on suspension.

JEFF
Dude, Susan in a leotard. Just picture that for a second.

Woody looks wistfully off into the distance, imagining Susan in a leotard.

WOODY
Nah, you’re still on probation.

Jeff looks at Lisette, who looks a little hurt that Jeff mentioned Susan. Jeff turns to her.

JEFF
But don’t worry Lisette, I bet you look amazing in a leotard, too.

ARTHUR
Don’t you dare imagine my girl in anything.

JEFF
Imagine her in nothing. No problem.

ARTHUR
Why you--

Arthur takes the knife and throws it at Jeff. All of the people in the crowd look upwards as . . .

. . . the knife sails over a two-story building behind Jeff.

JEFF
Wow. You suck dude.

Arthur lets out a primal SCREAM and rushes at Jeff with his hands in the ready position to strangle him.

SLOW MOTION
Arthur runs at Jeff. Jeff takes three steps back and two steps back to his left like a football placekicker. He licks his index finger and holds it up to test the wind. When Arthur gets in range, Jeff runs forward and unleashes a thunderous kick into Arthur’s groin that lifts him off his feet.

JEFF (CONT'D)
Pow! Ha ha!

Arthur’s mouth opens in a voiceless exhale as he flies through the air. Derek runs by and throws a breath mint into Arthur’s open mouth.

DEREK
A gift from me.

Arthur lands face down in the dirt. He gasps for breath. Jeff walks up and down the crowd of people, high-fiving random people and generally being cocky. He makes his way over to Lisette and Trina.

JEFF
Sorry about your dad’s, you know, junk and stuff. It had to be done though.

LISETTE
Do you think he’s okay mom?

TRINA
He wasn’t going to be using that stuff for a long time anyway, so it’s probably best.

JEFF
Trust me, it’s nothing that an ice pack and a good psychiatrist can’t get in check.

Two STUNTMEN, dressed in full cowboy costumes, come out of the crowd and help Arthur to his feet. When Arthur gains his senses, he grabs a six-shooter from one of the stuntmen’s gun belt and points it at Jeff’s back.

Everyone in the crowd holds their breath as Arthur squeezes two shots off at Jeff. Jeff buckles a little bit when the shots go off. He holds on to Lisette for support. She looks at him in terror.

LISETTE
Jeff! Jeff!

Jeff looks up at Lisette with a pleading look on his face that turns to embarrassment. Lisette looks at Jeff with a look of concern but that look also makes way to a look of embarrassment.

SECURITY GUARDS plow through the crowd and pounce on Arthur. They turn to find Jeff but he is nowhere to be seen.

CUT TO:
EXT. OLD TUCSON MOVIE STUDIOS RESTROOMS-DAY
Jeff and Lisette sprint to the restrooms. They run neck and neck.

LISETTE
Headed to the bathroom?

JEFF
Oh yeah.

LISETTE
Me too. What for?

JEFF
Unexpected bowel movement. And you?

LISETTE
It feels like my monthly visitor might have just shown up.

JEFF
That’s great! Better late than never.

LISETTE
Yeah, I’m pleased.

They reach the restrooms.

JEFF
Well, see ya.

LISETTE
Yeah, see ya.

EXT. OLD TUCSON MOVIE STUDIOS MAIN STREET-SAME
The crowd has dispersed and the Security Guards have Arthur hog-tied face down in the middle of the street. Trina walks over to Arthur.

TRINA
I don’t know for sure, but I’m guessing family counseling might be a good idea at some point. Oh, and by the way, those were blanks in that gun, you idiot.

ARTHUR
Tell them to let me go. I have to get that kid.

TRINA
Looks to me like he got you.

ARTHUR
Tell them to let me go!

TRINA
Arthur, shut your face.

She grabs him by the feet and drags him toward the bathrooms. Derek, Roses, Woody and JL walk behind and laugh and make fun of him. Jeff comes out of the bathroom wearing only one sock.

DEREK
Jeff, you’re alive. So good to see that you are immune--
(leans over to talk in Arthur’s face)
--to blanks!

ROSES
Yeah, what kind of dumbass tries to shoot someone with blanks? What kind of a moron goes around--

ARTHUR
If you finish that sentence I will guarantee that you’re the first one I’m coming after when they let me out of this.

ROSES
Sir yes sir. I would like to take this opportunity to formally apologize for any pain or hurt feelings my light-hearted fun-making may have caused you or your lovely family.

ARTHUR
I’m still coming after you, dipshit.
(to Jeff.)
Hey, sperm donor, what’s with the one sock?

JEFF
Oh, that. Well, they were almost out of toilet paper. I had to be resourceful in there. It got ugly, but I think I’m going to be okay.

JL
Oh shit! Did you--?

JEFF
Yes I did. I’m not proud of it, so let’s just not dwell on it, shall we?

ROSES
They were blanks dude.
(to Arthur)
Blanks!

JEFF
I know that. Now.

JL, Derek, Roses and Woody break off into a little group to make fun of Jeff.

WOODY
I would shake your hand, but not until you dip your whole body in a big thing of Purell.

DEREK
Don’t lie, you know you stuffed that sock in your crotch to make it look like you’re packing something for Lisette.

ROSES
Yeah, you’re supposed to give her a tube steak, not a tube sock. Does your mom know you suck at life?

JEFF
Hey, no props on that kick? That was some game-winning shit there.

JL
Aww, you kick like a girl. And not in a good way.

WOODY
Are you trying out for the Rockettes any time soon?

Lisette comes out of the bathroom and walks up to Trina.

LISETTE
(whispering)
Mom, do you have anything in your purse? I’m starting my period.

TRINA
Did it really honey?

LISETTE
Yeah.

TRINA
That’s great. I think I have something.

Trina digs in her purse. Arthur clears his throat.

ARTHUR
Excuse me? Did I hear correctly? Did you say your period is here?

LISETTE
Like the end of a sentence, daddy.

ARTHUR
Do you mean to tell me that I chased that boy completely across the state and got kicked in the nuts for no--OW!

Trina kicks him OS and shuts him up. She hands Lisette a hygiene product and gives her a hug.

TRINA
Quiet dear, we’re having a moment.

ROSES
So what do we do now? Is the vacation over?

JEFF
No way. It’s just beginning. Besides, I have an idea.

ROSES
Oh yeah, what is it?

JEFF
Well, I saw it in a western once, I just thought we should try it.

CUT TO:
EXT. DESERT LANDSCAPE-SUNSET
Seven horses ride off into the sunset. Lisette rides next to Jeff. Derek, Roses, JL and Woody ride in the middle. Trina rides on the end, dragging something that looks suspiciously like the hog tied Arthur behind her horse.
THE END.