The Fan

FADE IN:
EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - DAY
Two men in their late 20’s, PHILLIP and WALTER, take their seats in the upper deck of a football stadium. They are decked out in jerseys and hats supporting the home team.

PHILLIP(sarcastically)
Nice seats.

WALTER
Hey, they were free. Stop complaining.

The FAN comes up and sits in the seat directly behind them. He is a large, muscular black man in his late 40’s with thick glasses and a shaved head. When he speaks he has a deep, guttural voice reminiscent of an old blues man. He also sports the home team’s jersey. He leans down in between Phillip and Walter.

FAN
Hometown boys huh? Alright!

PHILLIP
Yep.

WALTER
Oh yeah.

FAN
We’re going to have a good game today. A GOOD game today! I can feel it.

PHILLIP
I hope so.

FAN
Hope? Boy you got to have faith! Faith I say!

He claps Walter on the back and leans back in his seat. Walter and Phillip exchange an “I hope it’s not going to be like this all game” glance.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - SAME
The home team runs out onto the field. The crowd rises to its feet and begins cheering.

EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - SAME
Walter and Phillip are on their feet, clapping for the team. The Fan jumps up from his seat.

FAN
Those boys are looking good. Looking good! State better look out today, they gonna get a healthy dose of number 33 today. All day. Number 33! A healthy dose!

The Fan leans down between Phillip and Walter.

FAN (CONT'D)
You feel me?

WALTER
A healthy dose?

FAN
That’s right. A healthy dose of number 33. All day. All day. Number 33 gonna be up in that ass all day!

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - LATER
The teams line up and kickoff. The home team gets the ball and lines up for a play. Number 33 scores a touchdown on a long run on the first play from scrimmage.

EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - SAME
After the touchdown is scored all of the people in Walter and Phillip’s section are giving each other high fives and chest bumping one another.

FAN
What’d I tell you? All day. Number 33 up in that ass all day. Sweep right, number 33. Sweep left, number 33. Between the tackles, number 33. Up that ass, number 33. All day. ALL DAY! What’d I tell you? Up! In! That! Ass!

Walter and Phillip give each other a pained look.

PHILLIP
All day?

FAN
All day! What I tell you?

WALTER
All. Day.

FAN
That’s right. All day!

Walter rubs at his eyes as if trying to relieve a tension headache. He looks at the game clock. 14:45 left in the first quarter. He peeks back at The Fan and sees a one seat buffer in every direction from the Fan except for the seats Walter and Phillip are sitting in. The Fan continues CHEERING (ad lib) as a fan, CHUCK, in front of Phillip turns around.

CHUCK
Worst seats in the house.

PHILLIP
Excuse me?

CHUCK
You got the worst seats in the house. You didn’t pay for those, did you?

PHILLIP
No, my buddy gave them to me.

CHUCK
He must hate you. What did you do, sleep with his sister?

PHILLIP
No, he just said he couldn’t come this week.

CHUCK
That guy never comes. I see different people in those seats every week. That guy must have a lot of enemies.

WALTER
It’s not that bad is it? Does he calm down at all?

CHUCK
He is calm. Wait ‘til they go on defense.

WALTER
What, it gets worse?

Chuck laughs to himself and turns to face the game.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - SAME
The teams line up and the home team kicks off to the visiting team. The visiting team lines up for a play.

EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - SAME
Walter looks at Phillip.

WALTER
How could it possibly get worse?

Phillip shrugs his shoulders. The Fan stands up behind them.

FAN
The I formation? Are you kidding me? They don’t respect you Mister Pendergast! They do not respect you!

WALTER(to Phillip)
Who is Mr. Pendergast?

Phillip shrugs his shoulders. Chuck turns around.

CHUCK
He’s the defensive coordinator. But his real name is Pendergrass. Not Pendergast. I don’t know where he came up with that one.

FAN
They do not respect you Mr. Pendergast! The I formation? That’s an insult to you, your momma and your hometown Mr. Pendergast! Don’t let them do that to you. You got to man up!

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - SAME
The visiting team runs a running play. It gains five or six yards.

EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - SAME
The Fan is going nuts in his seat.

FAN
Five yards! From the I formation? Mr. Pendergast you need to check your manhood at the door. You cannot let them do that to you. You cannot let them do that! You need 8 men in the box for that! 8 men in the box! All day baby, all day!

WALTER(to Phillip)
There’s no way he can keep this up all game.

CUT TO:

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - LATER
The clock shows 4:35 left in the 4th quarter. The home team is winning 47 to 6 and they have the ball.

EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - SAME
The entire section is empty except for Phillip, Walter and The Fan. The Fan has not lost one ounce of his venom as he yells at the game.

FAN
You know they were not looking for that number 33. A healthy dose of 33, that’s all you need. Take two number 33’s and call me in the morning. All day baby. All day. Mr. Pendergast, I hope you’re paying attention to this. That’s how you play. That, is, how, you, play, the, game!

He slaps Walter on the back.

FAN (CONT'D)
You can’t stop these boys! You cannot stop these boys! They run this. They control the game. You can’t control the game the way they do. No you can’t.

FADE OUT:

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - LATER
The clock hits 0:00 and the teams run off the field. The home team has won 54-6.

EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS “CHEAP SEATS” - SAME

Walter and Phillip get up to leave, they both look completely worn out. The Fan is still going strong.

FAN
Hell of a game boys. Hell of a game. A healthy dose of number 33. Eight men in the box. Mr. Pendergast finally got the respect that he was due. Hell of a game. Whooo!

WALTER
Yeah, hell of a game.

The Fan claps him on the back.

FAN
You take care now. Be good to yourself and your family. See you next week. Got a big game coming. Hell of a game. Got to get Mr. Pendergast the respect he deserves.

PHILLIP
Yes sir. We sure do. Catch you later.

FAN
Later boys.

Walter and Phillip leave the section.

INT. STADIUM CONCOURSE - SAME
Walter and Phillip walk through the stadium on their way out.

WALTER
Holy crap, I thought that dude would never shut up.

PHILLIP
He didn’t shut up. My voice hurts just from listening to him. I think I’m going to need to get some beer or something on the way home.

WALTER
Yeah, I can hit some of that with you. I think I’m more worn out than the players are. I can’t believe that guy.

PHILLIP
Yeah, I wonder what he is like when he’s away from football. Probably a nice, quiet dude who just goes to the football games to get it all out of him.

WALTER
Yeah, I bet he’s like a librarian or something.

They laugh.

CUT TO:

INT. GROCERY STORE - LATER
Walter and Phillip hold a 30-pack of beer and some chips as they walk toward the checkout counter of the grocery store. As they get closer, a loud, familiar voice echoes through the store. They round the corner and see The Fan at the checkout counter of a terrified looking CASHIER.

The cashier scans a package of Flintstones chewable vitamins.

FAN
A healthy dose of vitamin C in those there! A healthy dose! You know what I do with those things?

CASHIER
N-no.

FAN
I pop those things in my mouth for a HEALTHY dose of vitamin C. All day. All day baby. Vitamin C. That’s what it’s all about.

The cashier tries to scan an avocado. The UPC code is ripped so she must check the booklet for the code.

CASHIER
Hmm. The UPC’s not working.

FAN
Not working? You hear that Mr. Kumquat? That UPC does not respect you. No respect from the UPC. None whatsoever.

CASHIER
Umm, sir, this is an avocado.

The Fan gives her a blank look for an extended second. He then turns back to the avocado in her hand and starts yelling at it.

FAN
No respect for you Mr. Kumquat! Did you hear what she said? An avocado? You can’t put an avocado in the bag with the vitamin C. Ain’t nobody trying to make no guacamole ‘round here. No respect Mr. Kumquat! None. Gonna put my Flintstones vitamins next to you on the way home and we’re going to practice a zone defense, you hear me? I cannot believe the level of disrespect you have earned yourself from that UPC.

Walter and Phillip freeze in their tracks. Walter puts the beer down on the floor.

WALTER
I can’t do this.

Phillip puts his chips down.

PHILLIP
Me either.

They quickly walk out of the store to the fading sounds of The Fan talking to his groceries.

FAN
Two items in the bag. Two items! Got to get my healthy dose of vitamin C next to my good friend Mr. Kumquat and we are going to go home and respect each other. The UPC may not respect Mr. Kumquat but I sure as hell do. And the Flintstones vitamins respect the kumquat too. All day. All day baby. And all night. All day and all night.

THE END